giantlawnmower

Maybe It's Because I'm Half A Londoner...

2012-01-12T00:38:00.000Z

It's been a while (as usual). My blog came up today in conversation and suddenly I had this urge to write a really annoying, long rambling blog post. Yay for you guys!

I've come to find it very strange essentially living in two places. I think it's one of those things you never really consider having much of an impact when you dream of going to university. You might imagine being homesick but that's not really what I'm talking about. It's like I'm constantly readjusting to living here and then before I know it I'm back there again.

I don't really feel it so much here at Warwick. I guess that's because it's still so new and everyone is in the same boat and there is something so *me* about my room here. Obviously I didn't paint the walls or anything but it feels like my room in a really liberating way: I think I'd find it hard to feel not at home here. And also, it's different here because work is so stressful but my friends are so chilled out that it completely balances; there's no pressure to be cool and go wild, we can just stay in and play board games and eat After Eights.

However, going home for Christmas felt really strange. I didn't feel weird the two times I came back to London before Christmas; I think because I was always in such a rush and my mind was so much still *here* that I didn't have time to settle in. But I found it quite hard over Christmas.

It felt so unlike the life I remembered at home, mainly because I had nothing to do. I mean, obviously I had work to do but I was never actually going to do any of it. There were, like, actual changes. My mum was working, which she hasn't been for ages, and it was weird. And my dad was on holiday for most of the time I was home so he was around in the day which isn't usual. Not that I didn't like it that way round but it was just odd.

Maybe it was me: I felt like, very slightly, a different person and I associate that person with this room, this home rather than London home. There were things I was used to talking about, jokes I was used to making, food I was used to cooking which suddenly made no sense anymore. I felt like I had to get in the London mindset almost, remember what I did here and what I liked. Remember the London private jokes and the London references.

But then, really soon, I relaxed into it. I went to Arthur's, spent new year at 'our' house, watched copious amounts of TV on my laptop, watched a Moffat TV show with the Self family and it all came back to me. And it was nice to be back, to see everyone and not have to do anything for myself. But five days back here and I feel like I've been here for weeks. I've gone from doing nothing to having so much to do I have to write myself lists and stick to 'write this many words a day or you can't sleep' rules.

By the end of next week, I'll have no deadlines for a month, I'll be turning 20 really soon and I'll finally be able to relax and enjoy my degree again. But right now it's stressful and it's making me miss London.

*sigh* This blog made no sense and was pointless. Maybe I'll hate it so much once it's posted, it will inspire me to write another one so it is not at the top of the page. We'll see.

PS: This whole blog might be the result of me writing a horrible, long, scary essay about physical space and its meaning in The Magic Toyshop. It's made me very aware of my sense of space.

An Insight Into My First Two Weeks At University

2011-10-17T01:57:00.001+01:00

While obviously everyone has an entirely different Freshers Week/Fortnight experience, mine I think has been especially unique. There are lots of examples I could cite in order to prove this point: the post-night out snacking on smoked salmon and quail eggs, the fact we've very rarely gone out as a group (or out at all), the fact that we call our common room the Atrium and that our most exciting evenings of Freshers week were dressing two of the boys up in drag and watching Bridget Jones (at the boys request).

But I want to discuss this evening, exactly two weeks after my first night and my only truly drunken Freshers memory - falling spectacularly down the stairs at the SU. I got back from the Literature Societies Pub Quiz (which my team won, by the way, cash prize and everything) and Fi (my neighbour in the house) just got back from a weekend seeing some friends in Leeds. We arrived to the sight of a homemade croquembouche made by two of my other housemates Georgie and Hugo while we'd been out. After devouring that (and sending a hurried Tweet to @BritshBakeOff) we began to discuss the Fact Board.

So the Fact Board needs explaining. On our first night, we christened our common area 'The Atrium' because it sounds more regal and fancy. We began discussing how we'd decorate over the year, including a bust of Hugo and a large house plant on our plinth. Then we decided on a fact board which would display the one major fact we could all agree on: 'Both Kenan and Kel are alive and well'. Afterwards, once we actually put a bit of paper with that fact up, others started appearing. But none rhymed quite as well as the first fact.

When I got back today, I decided to write the facts out nicely and, in doing so, we decided to write them all out like rhymes. For example, 'Roger the Cabin Boy was not a character from Captain Pugwash' became 'Roger the Cabin Boy, oh golly gosh, was not a character in Captain Pugwash'. Then we got cocky and decided to write the last fact out in limerick form. The last fact in itself needs some explanation: the boys bought a poster of a girl on a tennis court with her skirt tucked into her pants so her bum shows. When we discovered how long ago it was shot, we began to wonder if she was dead. And so the fact was added to the board: 'The tennis girl isn't dead but the photographer is.'

Cut to 40 minutes (no exaggeration) of trying to turn that into a limerick. This included frantic Googling to find his name and then reading over five obituaries, texting Dominic to ask for words that rhyme with 'bum' and several drafts, this was the result:

'There was a young lady from Brum,
Who had a fantastical bum,
While holding a racquet
Her squeeze chose to snap it,
To cancer he'd later succumb.'

Then Luke (another housemate, who makes frequent appearances on the same notice-board with a list of his funniest quotes) decided to prove how easy it was to write haikus and then limericks. On this limerick, Luke said 'This could get published, you know.' So here I am, publishing it.

'I loved to play with my lego
I liked to eat lots of Jell-o
I splashed in a puddle
Mum gave me a cuddle
Now I'm grown up [sic]'

We laughed, a lot. More even that at his contributions to the previous poems. So I decided to prove my worth as the English student in the house and contribute an analysis of the poem, drawing on all my knowledge of poetry forms and language.

'Beautiful subversion of the limerick form in order to discuss the hardships of growing up. The last line brings the joyful rhythm to an end, as the narrator's youth is shattered by the harsh reality of adulthood and it's inherent responsibilities.'

It's gone up on the fridge for everyone to see.

Results Day

2011-08-18T12:58:00.000+01:00

I thought today, of all days, I might actually write a personal blog. It is a year ago today (or tomorrow if you want to be pedantic) that I awaited results and then got them. I guess it's natural to feel reflective: people are talking and Tweeting almost exactly the same things I was last year. At this point in my life, I feel I am especially qualified to talk about the highs and lows of this day. So, with this in mind, I am going to write a message to the two camps of A-Level result holders there will be by the end of the day: the pleased and the disappointed. And yes, the disappointed get a much longer note; my sympathy lies, ultimately, with them.

To the pleased,
Congratulations! When I finally got my place at Warwick in March, I felt relief like I never have in my life. It's overwhelming, to have something which before had been a scary possibility on the horizon you tried not to want too much become your reality. But you'll be fine. You deserve your place and you've earned it. A-Levels are fricking hard, ignore what the papers say. If you've got through them and got to where you want to be, then enjoy it! You can start reading those books from your reading list and buying supplies and spend hours trawling the student union website, without feeling like you're tempting fate.

Well done!

To the disappointed,
Hi. So all the things I am going to say in this message are going to be repeated to you over and over and over: teachers, friends, parents, friends of parents, strangers you meet etc. But I'm going to say it anyway. Because it is all good advice. When people were saying this to me last year, I nodded my head and (while accepting that it was probably all true), it made nothing any better. But now, looking back on it, I'm glad I heard it then. It normalises things, I think, makes you feel better to know those clichés are all true. There's comfort in that and, right now, I know you could do with some of that.

Results day was, probably, the worst day of my life. I know that is simply proof that my life has been both short and incredibly sheltered but it was. You can spend a whole year telling yourself (and everyone who shrugs off your worries with a 'you'll be fine') that you shouldn't get your hopes up, that there is work still to be done. But it's only human to invest in the future you have come to expect for yourself. And to be upset when you lose it. Now disappointed is a loose term: it may simply mean you've had to go to your second choice over your first, a readjustment in itself. Today, however, for so many it will mean not going at all this year.

So I am going to postulate that not going this year could be a good thing for you. And am going to conveniently avoid to mention the fact the fees are going to triple next year.

Whether you have to retake or not, this year is going to be about work. Another application (either back to university or, heaven forbid, the world of work) seems utterly daunting and is as dull and mindless as you remember. But the disappointment will allow you to truly assess how much you *really* wanted it in the first place. All decisions about A-Levels and UCAS are made so quickly that sometimes, people make mistakes. Better to realise that now than later. The idea now that I was ever going to study History is enough to make me laugh - how could I have ever thought I wasn't an English student? Maybe I'd have been fine studying History (deep down, I know I would have been) but I think I"ll be better than fine with English. But my desire for Warwick has been a constant and if this letdown does nothing but fuel your desire for one course, one place, one subject, then let that fuel you. That determination will get you through the year and, hopefully, get you what you want.

And maybe you never knew how determined you were. I certainly didn't. While I may have no career ambition (at the time of publication), there was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to do everything possible to be going to university this September. But it turns out failure, as perceived by yourself, sucks. It demoralises you and reaffirms every worry you had about yourself in the first place - that you didn't deserve the places that you got, that you don't work hard enough, that everyone makes more sense than you all time, that there's no point. The cliché, however, does stand. Failure's when you learn the most about yourself. I never thought of myself as persistent or able to bounce back from problems or resourceful or responsible. And this year, I've been all those things. I worked hard and I got what I wanted and even, shockingly, held down jobs! It's scary but nothing is better than coming out the other side knowing nothing but your own determination and hard work have got you what you wanted all along. Nothing. And maybe you'll have to change what you want, lower your expectations. But there's nothing like a setback to humble you and I bet you'll have achieved more by the end of the year than you feel like you will right now.

And think about this. A gap year is a good experience. I never wanted one, never expected to have one. I may be terrified about the fact that I have to write English essays again after a YEAR but in many ways it's been great for me. It's given me the time to reflect on my choices, think things through and you will not be disadvantaged, in any subject, to be a year older with an extra year of experiences (especially if one of those is success in the face of adversity). But this year has been great in another way: in the immediate aftermath of results day, I learned the true value of my friends, and an extra year spent with them has been nothing but a joy. And new friends! Man, new friends. They've been awesome too. If all your friends are off, use this as an opportunity to prove to yourself you can make new friends, something you might not have had to do since you were four. (I did not do enough of this at college, possibly my only regret from this year as it means friends is something I'm still stupidly nervous about).

Basically, cry and curl up in a ball and numbly nod along to all this advice. And then work hard and get back to where you want to be. I guarantee you, when you finally get there, you'll appreciate so much more. And, at the end of your impromptu gap year, hopefully you won't be looking back anymore. I know if someone told me I could go back, go to Cambridge but lose this year, I'd say no. That's all you can ask for in life. And to learn that lesson is something you might not be so lucky to learn at your first year of university.

Good luck!

I am a terrible human being

2011-05-16T17:54:00.003+01:00

So, not that anyone has been checking, but it has been almost 9 months since I updated this blog. 9 months! What the hell?! I mean, it's probably because my life has been so exciting. Take a look.

- I went to Lansdowne College and did a whole Government and Politics A-Level in one term. Then I got an A*. So that was a lot of work.

- I reapplied to university, this time for English Literature. I got into 4 out of 5, after another interview at Warwick, and accepted a place there.

- As The World Turns ended. That was pretty heartbreaking.

- I went to see Kelly Stoltz at the Borderline as well as Jonathan Richman and Johnny Flynn at The Luminaire, my favourite music venue which has now shut down.

- I went to a family wedding in Scotland and learnt some super-cool cèilidh dancing (which, I would like to add, I was much better at that many of the 'truly' Scottish people).

- I gave blood twice, one time which went well and one time which was quite horrible.

- I bought six teefury t-shirts.

- I completed NaNoWriMo and tried (but failed again) to complete ScriptFrenzy.

- I started, and completed, watching The Office (US version) and am now something of an addict. I also watched the first season of Mad Men.

- I got a Tumblr in order to waste time when I should have been revising for exams.

- Some family came down to London (aunt, second cousin, Scottish people etc.) and I got to hang out with them and do awesome touristy stuff.

- I went to a party and was really boring but made some awesome friends called Geek Corner. And, despite IT NOT BEING A RUSE AND NO ONE NEEDING TO LEAVE THE ROOM, there is this guy...

- I had Christmas at home.

- I went to see The Room three times.

- I turned 19.

- I went to St. Ives for a long weekend - soaked in the awesome, had the best meal of my life, had the whole guest house to myself and so preceded to do a lot of loud dancing late at night.

- Tried and failed to be a part of a collaborative vlogging project.

- Got many jobs, mostly looking after other people's children but sometimes looking after handbags as well.

- Voted Yes to AV (after much, much deliberation).

- Lost most of my friends to all four corners of the globe.

When I put it like that, see, you might be mistaken for thinking the reason I have been so bad at updating my blog is because I've been so busy. The real reason is... I don't know what the real reason is. I don't think it's the busy thing - since exams have ended especially there have been plenty of days where I've done less than nothing and could easily have written this exact blog post.

And also don't think it is because I haven't had enough things to blog about. I could have blogged about my brief foray into private education or the last ATWT or the decision to make Maxxie a girl in the American Skins or why I can consistently win NaNoWriMo but not ScriptFrenzy. I even drafted some of these, left them to ferment on my desktop for days but to no avail.

Maybe the answer, weak though it may be, is that you just forget. It's just as easy to get out of the rhythm of blogging as it originally was to get into it. Or maybe, much like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen for years, you quickly get to the stage where there's too much to catch up on. But I tried, and at least now maybe I'll remember about this blog.

And, if not, at least you know where my Tumblr is now. :P

BEDA #29/30/31 - Goodbye Cruel World

2010-08-31T23:57:00.000+01:00

So, this is it guys. I know I've missed a couple of days out but it was all pretty standard holiday stuff: saw a great White shark, got a Catcher In The Rye t-shirt, ate my first clam, drinks at a gay bar with my parents, watched the Prime Time Emmy's (and was mostly pleased) a second Peanuts bobblehead... the usual.

So what have we learned this month? Well...

- I write more when I'm taking part in an externally, preferably Internet, organised writing event.

- The reason I thought I wasn't good enough for Cambridge was because I wasn't.

- America has a lot of wasteland that I can describe very badly.

- Baseball is awesome.

- I really, really like Dr Reid Oliver but I want Nuke endgame.

- John Green is awesome.

- I am too socially awkward for YouTube gatherings.

- It's not a good idea to get a tiny piece of headphone stuck in your laptop.

- I am definitely an atheist.

- When your friends get mugged at gun-point, it's scary.

- Harry/Severus slash is awsome.

- Nothing good happens after 3am, even my blog posts.

- I always feel better with a plan.

- I am very bored a lot of the time.

That's it. August over. I have an epic (possibly too strong a word) plan for next year I intend to blog about soon. Thanks for reading!

BEDA #28 - Plymouth, America And Bobbleheads.

2010-08-29T05:38:00.003+01:00

BEDA #29 - Plymouth, America And Bobbleheads

So I'm tired, again. Holidaying really takes it out of you.

Today we went out to Plymouth, the place where the Mayflower landed. We got the train from South Station to Plymouth Station which turned out to be miles out of town. Like, properly far away. The old train sheds were falling down, the Walmart was shut up and everyone who got off the train got straight into a car. We hailed this local bus and went in a massive circle all around town. We passed through about eight outlet malls and everyone else who got on the bus knew the driver well enough to kiss his cheek as they got off.

It was weird. It reminds you that most of America is dead space between populated areas. Highways and out-of-town furniture stores and big yellow traffic lights. It looks exactly like you want it too as well; orange wasteland with scrubby green trees, bright blue sky and smoking black road.

Finally we were in Plymouth town. They had this waterside festival on which was like Queens Park Day times one hundred. Most of the stalls were kid orientated but we did manage to pick up a Red Sox bobblehead.

The bobblehead story is one of those family private jokes that I assume siblings share but, as an only child, I can only talk about with my parents. Basically my mum had a Yankee bobblehead that I broke as a child. About the only thing I ever broke so it became quite a big deal. So glad to have a replacement - and I carried it around all day like some weird form of punishment.

So we went on the Mayflower II and a boat ride around the harbour and then back on the train. I fell asleep a little bit but I woke up in time for some good food. There were a lot of screeching women but otherwise a very nice place.

I am going to fall into bed now - I've wacthed all the OnDemand episodes if 30 Rock so I know it's sleeptime.

BEDA #27 - Hot Day, American Restaurants And Trout Fishing In America

2010-08-28T05:06:00.008+01:00

Greetings! I'm too tired for a long post because today was boiling hot. And it's only gonna get worse. It's the kind of sun that can give you a headache even when it's behind you. At least there's a lot of water around to breeze it up.

Before we got out I finished my book 'Trout Fishing In America'. It was definitely the most American book I have ever read. It was very strange but not alienatingly so, and the narrator had a genuine and unique voice. It was one of those books filled with ideas and strong images which will haunt me forever. I'm reluctant to recommend it though because I can see it's strange enough that most people would not like it.

So we started the day by booking a trip to Cape Cod; I am so excited to go! Then we went to the public gardens and got on a swan boat. It was powered by one poor college student pedalling but it didn't last very long. There was a boy in front of us telling inappropriate jokes very loudly. His dad tried to distract him by pointing out ducks and taking about a trillion photos of him.

Then we wandered around Beacon Hill, a very beautiful part of Boston. It was exactly what you want New England to look like. And I got to order a grilled cheese in a cafe - I felt so American! Then my mum bought a Red Sox Christmas decoration - and we're back to tourist. Then did a quick shuttle boat trip to get a look at the harbour, which displays a beautiful skyline.

Then we went to an American restaurant. And I mean really American. Like neon signs and dimly-lit bar with bottled beet and free re-fills if coke. It served Boston Beans and lobster rolls and cheeseburgers. The background music was stadium rock and the TV screens were showing the Red Six game (which I got quite hooked too) and high school American football. It was perfect: especially when the waitress gave us free clam chowder because we'd never had it.

Now it's OnDemand time. Until tomorrow fair readers, until tomorrow.

BEDA #26 - Freedom Trail, Sunshine And As The World Turns

2010-08-27T05:23:00.005+01:00

Hello all! The sun came out in Boston today so we took the opportunity to do the Freedom Trail, which traces a route between the oldest and most historic parts of Boston (and often the US) including many related to the American War Of Independance. We started at the blah blah blah; if you wanna list, Google it. Yes, it was all very interesting and picturesque but much more importantly I watched my first full episode of ATWT. Here is the liveblog what I wrote during it.

-----------

Watching a whole episode of As The World Turns for the first time. Liveblog!

- Reid is so cute with his little OCD ways.

- Luke - could you be more obvious? Although you have a fair point...

- Since when were Will and Gwen in town?

- I don't know how any of the people are related. Whose Gwen's mum? Whose Will's mum? And why are they staying with Emily?

- I've always liked Henry. But am I supposed to be happy about him and Barbara or creeped out?

- Also, did not know Paul was her son. I need some kind of Oakdale family tree. Although it's a bit late now.

- Oh, Barbara is Will's mum too. So Paul is his brother.

- Wait, Paul is Henry's brother too?! So much incest in this town.

- Just because Chris wants to lie to his partner-person doesn't mean he should force or expect Reid too.

- Luke advising people to let people worry about them?! Shocker (!)

- Reid is sweet but a bad liar. Just tell Katie!

- It's weird to watch this in decent quality.

- Reid has the cutest facial expressions. I just wanna pinch his cheeks.

- I feel tension between Barbara and Emily. Power struggle for Paul's affection.

- How often have Henry and Barbara been on/off?!

- Those are some seriously shocked and awed faces.

- Also, Will and Gwen have been in town and not met up with Luke? Rude...

- There are A LOT of adverts. And they are weird. Do they have to read out the possible side-affects of nasal spray? It makes it sound scary.

- Way to attempt to cheer everyone up Emily. It's a bit like doing a cheerleader routine at a wake.

- What's Fairwinds?!

- 'You're in and out of heels.' That did make me lol.

- The show is ending soon Paul. I doubt there's enough time for them to marry AND divorce.

- You tell him Reid!

- It's not all your fault Luke. Chris is acting like a twat. I do not like him.

- I've always liked Will and Gwen. They're the Nathan and Haley of Oakdale.

- That was one sunshine smile Luke.

- Very true Henry. No one in Oakdale should be casting stones.

- What, so Barbara is about to marry her ex-husband's son? To give Paul his credit, that is weird.

- They do have to read out all the possible side-affects. How do they ever sell medicine?!

- Dear Activia, 'desserty' is not a word.

- Luke and Noah are still together in the bumper. That's so sad.

- Ooh a political ad. That's weird to see.

- Wait, Parker is Will's brother too?! This show makes my head spin.

- So Hal is Parker's dad? The cop who got shot on the job? Or did I make that name up?

- Aw Reid, how romantic (!)

- Okay, they are really cute.

- 'The whole enchillada'? That's some beautiful, elegant imagery there Reid.

- Man, another kiss and a half!

- Cockblocked by a rattle, that's a new one.

- 'To be continued...' That sounds like the kind of thing someone says before they die.

- Your sunshine smile's not bad either Reid.

- Is this pre-school just on the road in Old Town? Is there anything Oakdale does't have? An airport, a hospital, multiple daycares, a university... not bad for a small town.

- Emily doing adverts?! Ha ha ha.

- There was a really sudden lighting change...

- Gwen is totally the voice of reason.

- Luke has a good mock-serious face. A worse lie-to-Katie face though...

- The Bold and The Beautiful looks way worse than As The World Turns. Why isn't it cancelled?!

- Surely Chris is not gonna keep lying!

- Who's John Dixon?!

- Why are Henry and Barbara living at The Lakeview?

- Henry, I don't think you're allowed to withdraw marriage proposals.

- Wait, I still don't know who John Dixon is?!

---------

So there you have it. See you tomorrow for something a little more cultural. Maybe.

BEDA #25 - More Rain, Baseball Fanatic And Big Breakfast

2010-08-26T03:54:00.005+01:00

Greetings from Boston. Again. Although today feels like the first real day. Got a really good night's sleep; because I'm in the master bedroom I have the massive bed. It's more than kingsize. It's the perfect jetlag remedy.

Then onto breakfast. We went into a diner we passed last night and I had a breakfast called 'Emergency Room'. Two pancakes, three scrambled eggs, three sausages, home fries and White toast. It sounds like a lot (and it was), it was not as bad as the one below it called 'Intensive Care' which included a 10oz sirloin steak. The diner was called Mike's and it was awesome. Might buy a t-shirt if we back.

It had rained all night and so yesterday's Red Sox match was called off. We though todays might be as well but they had to play because they go away tomorrow. So it was a doublehitter and we were at the first afternoon game. It was really fun. The game is exciting and the crowd was mixed with a good atmosphere. I got quite into it, might keep following it if from a distance. I have a baseball cap and badge now as well. You can see I'm a diehard fan.

More rain meant we ran into an Irish pub, the only place that would let me in without ID. Then we went to a really nice bistro where I had the best carbonara ever. And then lemon tart. Heaven.

I'm tired so I'm feeling a couple of OnDemand TV shows and an early night. No idea what tomorrow will bring, only that it will be American.

BEDA #24 - Arrived, Settled In And Jumbo Sized

2010-08-25T03:29:00.007+01:00

Woo hoo Boston baby!

It's very exciting. The plane wasn't as painful as I thought it night be. Turns out my ability to not sleep despite being really tired helps me fight off jetlag. We didn't have our own TV screens so I had to watch Bounty Hunter. It was bad. But I did get to watch 30 Rock, The Office and two episodes of Parks And Recreation. So, not all bad.

Got into Boston to pouring rain. Bit of a shame but the buildings are still beautiful and New-Englandy. We did some wandering around and it's really America. Diners and 7-11s and those crazy Skittle flavours.

The apartment is nice too - my parents gave me the master bedroom because it has it's own TV and all the Harry Potter books. I've already TiVoed the next Luke/Reid episodes. Everything is massive though, the cups are like bowls and the armchair makes me look like a midget. He's also left a lot of personal photos around which is kinda awkward.

Red Sox tomorrow - will update then.

BEDA #23 - Boredom, Boston And Books

2010-08-24T02:12:00.003+01:00

So life has returned to relative normality after the panic of the last few days. I have a plan and I have awesome friends. Sorted. So now things are back to being boring and therefore I have nothing really to blog about today. Well, I am flying to Boston tomorrow.

But now there's a lot of pressure on Boston to be a brilliant holiday. More brilliant than it had to be before. When I get I'll have literally hours before I have to register at college (I kind of like that I get to say 'college' now rather than 'school'. It's a step up, if not the one I was expecting). Then three days before I actually start learning all over again. And then four months in which to do an entire A-Level.

So basically it's going to be hectic. So hectic I'm not sure about my ability to complete NaNoWriMo (but I'll see how I feel, no promises!). So Boston needs to be good and really relaxing and really fun all wrapped into one. I am very excited.

The other thing about this trip is that it'll give me chance to read. The most exciting thing about (hopefully) having some time off next year is that I can read loads of books. And especially if I wanna study English, that is a major plus. I'm bringing five books, two very short, two medium and one quite long. They are: Trout Fishing In America, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The Secret History, Wonder Boys and Silence.

So yeah, Boston. Hopefully I'll have something to report tomorrow. And because of the time difference, I have no idea if the posts will come up on the right days. Or if I guarantee to get them up at all. Either way, see you soon!

PS: I am very excited to watch ATWT on a real TV! I hope this apartment has TiVo because I doubt we'll be in at 2 on Thursday. I may be excited enough to Liveblog.

BEDA #22 - New Plan, The BBC And Boston

2010-08-23T03:16:00.003+01:00

Sorry BEDA I nearly forgot about you, hence the updating at 3am. Today has been both eventful and non-eventful.

I have a plan for next year - I'm going to do an entire Government and Politics A-Level in 4 months. The college think I can do it and are willing to help so I'm going to go for it. It takes the pressure off for results because I'll know for sure by March, I'll have more than six months to do something more interesting and I've always worked better under pressure.

And I think I'm definitely going to apply for English. I love History but applying for it again would involve applying to many of the same universities and I think a fresh start will be better. It'll throw up some different places, which will hopefully get me excited about going again, and it's subject I equally love and enjoy.

I do want to have a tiny mini rant about the BBC. I was watching an old Have I Got News For You on iPlayer (because, shockingly, there's nothing on at 2am) and Quentin Letts was a panellist going on about how the BBC should make more Lark Rise to Candleford and less Jonathon Ross (you can tell it's old then). I am very defensive of the BBC generally but surely we can all see what's wrong with that statement - a broadcaster cannot constantly broadcast shows that everyone likes, especially when it's a national broadcaster whose remit is to provide something for everyone. The BBC does a lot more work than anyone gives it credit for and if this government cuts it the way it has always threatened to do no-one will be sorrier than us to see it go.

Back to real life. Now, with a plan, I think I can finally relax. I'm going to go to Boston, watch the in-flight movies, enjoy myself (I'm finally getting excited) and even though I have no time really between coming back and starting I'll be so pleased to get it out of the way.

BEDA #21 - Good Friends, Good Food And Good Films

2010-08-22T01:32:00.003+01:00

It's amazing how quickly I can get back into the routine of doing nothing. Except I'm not doing nothing because a little bit of me (the bit that, considering I've only had two days) hasn't quite come to terms with it all yet and so is always worrying about my uncertain but slightly less murky future.

I have an informal interview at a college tomorrow. No idea what will come of it but I imagine they will be very informative and helpful, and be able to answer the myriad of questions I have. Like, does it look bad to apply for a different subject? How can they trust the predicted grade of a subject I've never done before? You know, general panicking stuff.

I do have awesome friends though. Like really awesome. I had a great evening with Charlotte and Alice where we chatted about all our lives and ate Indian food and home baked cookies and watched Gosford Park (one of my favourite movies). I love having people in my life where there's no pressure and we can be honest and it's easy and fun. But it's not just my best friend people - everyone has been great about giving advice if they can and wishing me well and shooting V's at the system along with me.

I think my parents are more freaked out than me because, like me, they don't know what's going on it the future and they just want me to be happy and on track again. They're looking up colleges and printing out questions and talking about ringing up their (albeit limited number of contacts) to get me something to do when I'm not studying which will enrich my application/CV.

Basically, it's done now. It still smarts a little but it's fading fast. I'll be very glad when it's gone; thankfully, I'm sure Boston will be the perfect medicine.

BEDA #20 - Mac Is Back, Philosophical And Victorian Women

2010-08-21T02:30:00.004+01:00

I am finally speaking to you, again, from the glorious Mac the MacBook. She (named after Mac from Veronica Mars) is in pristine working order; I had almost forgotten how much I used her until she was back. Wow, life is better.

And I'm getting better at the 'seeing things in perspective' stuff. I've talked to a lot of people and they've all be saying basically the same things: that I'm not stupid, that it's not the end of the world, that in a few years this will be a distant memory, that it's an opportunity to think things through, everything will eventually turn out fine. And this is all good and true advice and I'm getting better at seeing it like that.

But it comes and goes. It is slightly hard to admit that the massive life change you were preparing for and, indeed, incredibly excited about is not happening. And the way it is not happening (and the scaremongering news surrounding it) makes you feel, albeit temporarily, as if it is never going to happen.

Essentially I have turned into the heroine of a Victorian romance novel. Most of the time I am well-spoken, calm, measured in my emotions and angry at a society which is not permitting me to do what I want. And the other half of the time I am so overcome with emotion I want to take to my bed with smelling salts in one hand and an embroidered handkerchief in the other.

I have three options (assuming, and I have been told essentially to assume, the Cambridge pool is a no go):

1. Keep the grades I have (A*, A, C) and apply... wherever will take those grades. Essentially somewhere which will take you with a C meaning that you might as well not have worked for the A and A*.

2. Re-do the Spanish unit which is an E. That would involve going to a college, probably from January to June and hopefully getting my grade up to an A. The plus side is it would not feel like giving up but the down side is I kind of feel like giving up.

3. Start and finish a completely new A-Level in a year. It would mean, essentially, I couldn't get a job (unless I went to night-classes which would make predicted grades and therefore UCAS difficult) or do anything but more studying. However, it's not Spanish.

So yeah. If I pick 2 or 3 (and let's be honest, I will) I'm going to have to go to some kind of private sixth form college who can provide this with some guarantee of results (which considering all of this, I would really like). I don't really want to but then the only way this situation is going to improve is to work my way out of it. It might be depressing (and it is) but it's necessary. And I don't deserve to go to university if I'm not willing to fight for it.

BEDA #18/#19 - Nerves About Results Well Justified

2010-08-20T01:52:00.005+01:00

So not in a brilliant mood for BEDAing. But I wasn't yesterday either so I didn't and two days of not updating is a dangerous slope to go down.

I'll just say this: today could not have gone worse for me. It was a disaster which has, essentially, left me with a year of my life I didn't want to spend here doing the stuff I am now going to be forced to do, whatever that turns out to be.

And I appreciate that, once the disappointment of getting in NOWHERE has receded I'll be fine and probably wax lyrically about how this gap year helped me find myself or whatever. For a start, it looks like English is the way to go. Can't fault those UMS marks.

So yeah, in the future I'll probably look back on this year with fondness. But in the end, I didn't want it. And I really wish I didn't have to do it.

There really is nothing make failure to make you feel like a failure.

BEDA #17 - Banking, Panicking And Nuking

2010-08-18T02:43:00.004+01:00

Well, today was a day much less eventful than yesterday. I woke up in bed with Charlotte (read into that however you will) and when I got home there were *more* builders in my house fixing the guttering of something. Then I went to the bank and took out £800 to pay my dad back for interrailing.

I was going to talk about panicking for results, which I am doing, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow. Needless to say when people talk about it, I can feel my stomach bubbling and dropping at the same time.

I am, for maybe the first time in BEDA, talk about Luke/Noah/Reid. I really want to clarify my position. Reid has quite literally split our happy fan community down the middle. Half the people (some new, some long-standing fans, some who faded away when the storylines were particualary slow) think Reid is a godsend to the show and the other half think he's a betrayal, and a lazy one at that, by the writers.

I am torn. The reason I love Luke and Noah is that, unlike many others, I like the soapy, ridiculous, fluffy aspect to them. It amuses me and entertains me and, coming for Europe, it's a novelty to me to watch something so unashamedadly dramatic. Luke and Noah are genuine opposites in many ways, which made for (some of the time) a realistic dynamic. It's also important when building tension: soap couples break up a lot, and Luke and Noah are treated no differently in this respect.

But I like Reid. Genuinely. He's like a PG-13 Brian Kinney (so without all the sex). He's snarky and funny and believeable. I think he's incredibly well-rounded considering the time he's been in the show, well-acted and his being gay is not his defining feature. Saying that, it's not ignored and he and Luke have had some of the hottest kisses on the show ever. You know, in my humble but scarily well informed opinion.

I, unlike people who have @ replied me on Twitter, do not think this is because Luke and Noah did not have chemistry on screen. I think it's because, predominately, Luke and Noah has been a love story first. While waiting for sex was a drag, I do respect that they were portrayed as a couple willing to wait for each other.

So, my loyalities lie with Noah but I do have a massive fan-crush on Reid Oliver. So I'm torn. a lot like Luke in many ways. And I can see the pros for Reid:

He challenges Luke on many levels Noah does not.
He's opening himself up to Luke in a very uncharasteristic way - shows deep emotion.
He's funny and witty and the kind of guy Oakdale needs.

But then Noah has upsides too:

He tolerates Luke's obsessive need to be needed with more grace than Reid does.
His love for Luke got him out a wheelchair and got him his own sight back. That's the kind of love you hang onto. Or bottle.
Luke and Noah fit together in a way which seems much more comfortable - Luke's fought enough battles.
They both want the same things out of life - excitement when they're young, a family when they're older.
Noah is not an emotionally unavailible workaholic. He's more committed to Luke than anything else.
After everything they've been through, and how groundbreaking they are, they deserve a happy ending.

So there you have it. It's Luke and Noah ftw. Let's just hope (and they haven't got long left) that they handle it well.

And yes, I am mainly using them as a distraction from the fact my fricking life gets decided in a few days. Humour me.

BEDA #16 - Unicorns, Dragons and Prince Charming

2010-08-17T00:09:00.004+01:00

Today was the most exciting day ever, I just have to BEDA about it!

I woke up to Bob Dylan serenading me awake - he was passing by and, as he's been following my BEDA, he wanted to make sure I had something interesting to Tweet about.

Then I finished filming for my episode of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' and it turns out I'm related to the royal family and have a better claim to the throne than Charles. So, expect me to me the next monarch of this country.

Then my best friend, Harry Potter, dropped by and gave me some Felix Felicis for results day. Normally he'd be breaking lots of Ministry Decrees but once Kingsley Shacklebolt heard about my nerves the entire wizarding population begged him to act. I'm very popular over there.

Next it was dinner time and I managed to get into The Ivy. Because so many people wanted to join me for dinner, I had to do the rounds. It was very tiring but I did get to eat a bit of every meal on the menu for free.

The last person I sat with invited me to a house party that was being hosted by Stephen Fry. We got into a debate about the use of knowledge in the new technological age (I won, of course) and then we played chess (again, I won).

Finally I got a lift home in a Dharma van driven by Hurley; he's making a visit to the mainland and wanted to stop by for a visit. We played the Star Wars quote game all the way home, and my company was so dazzling he drove around the block several times.

At home, I had several e-mails mainly from popular YouTubers asking me to endorse their channels but I don't have the time because it's taken me several hours to reply to all my own comments. Bob came back and played me to sleep.

But then I woke up because I remembered BEDA and the thousands of you religiously waiting for me to post.

I won't let you down.

BEDA #15 - Sherlock, Cooking For Myself And Summing It Up

2010-08-16T03:19:00.001+01:00

Because I hate typing on this iPod touch, I'm going to try and sum up my day in a serious of unconnected sentences. Considering how little I did, I'll be lucky if I can get ten out of today.

1. I watched the first two episodes of Sherlock, which I thought were as interesting, brilliant and eccentric as their namesake.
2. I spent the evening typing up the cheapest, easiest recipes from all the cookbooks in my house as soon I'll going to have to cook for myself.
3. I'm currently watching 'Vexed' on iPlayer (which means I can't do anything else on my mum's laptop) and it's quite a good mixed of serious and comedy, although a far cry from Holmes.
4. I had my dessert at, like, 1 am, because I am such a maverick.
5. After the John Green talk yesterday, I was all inspired to write and spent ages awake in my bed thinking and I think I have a NaNoWriMo idea; basically.
6. I watched a lot of How I Met Your Mother and concluded that 'Showdown', 'The Stinsons' and 'Slapbet' are my favourite episodes.
7. We've got more plumbers and builders coming tomorrow but I refuse to get up even when they turn up.
8. I found what I thought was a lost Friends DVD which means I don't have to buy the whole series over again: rejoice! 9. Got a really interesting e-mail from my friend Alex which left me both excited and intrigued.
10. I cannot believe it is 3am; why stay up on a day when nothing is happening?

Well, at least it looks a bit longer than it would be if they were all in one paragraph. Promise to come up with something vaguely interesting to talk about tomorrow. Well, maybe not as strong as promise. I'll try.

BEDA #14 - John Green, Rambling And Fangirling

2010-08-15T03:03:00.002+01:00

So today was another one of those nothing days. Went to the pub with my parents, had a pizza, watched a few friend episodes...

Oh, and I met John Green.

It was a thoroughly enjoyable but weird experience, in the same way seeing any YouTuber in real life is weird but to a greater extent because he is like the king of YouTube. I knew, academically, that he was real and did things other than occasionally make videos for our amusement, but it was strange to see him standing there in 3D wearing that Catcher In The Rye t-shirt I really want but can't afford. And the irony, as pointed out by someone in the audience, is that Paper Towns (and so a lot of what he said) is about how important it is to imagine people complexly, as more than the sum of the things they do for you.

The talk was a defensive of reading to a certain extent, about how it's relevance in the modern world is as the only medium that still truly allows you to experience the world through eyes other than your own. It made me want to read things and write things and I found myself in an excellent daydream on the bus thinking all these things he'd conjured up. And I think that was the intention. Nothing is more magical, to say something I've already said on this blog once before, than reading one of your own thoughts as transcribed by somebody else.

The section he read is one of favourite in the book because it's strange and evocative and yet somehow so real. It's one of the few images that I carry around all the time, of two teenagers leaning up against a single pane of glass, trying to decide if the world looks more real or more fake from far away. Truly moving. He spoke so passionately and eloquently about reading and books and interactivity and empathy and humanity that it was as much an intellectual experience as a fangirl one.

But it was a fangirl one, at least to a certain extent. Everyone after having their book signed came out of the room and 'sqeed'. Even one of the people who worked on the event was all flustered at the prospect of him signing her copy. And of course we were: John Green is someone to admire on two levels. The level of making excellent YouTube videos and the level of writing great books. To meet anyone who has influenced you in two different ways like that is enough to make you want to squeal a little bit.

Fangirling in general makes me uneasy. I'm not sure if it's because I am so socially inept but the idea of doing anything remotely... memorable, I guess in front of someone I admire is painfully frightening. For example, there was a Luke And Noah gathering in Paris in the summer I did not go to, not because I am not enough of a fan, bu because even if all I had to do was stand next to Van and Jake for thirty seconds, that alone would be too embarrassing. The trap is always to sound too eager or too trite and, in the end, all the things I have to say are almost implied by my being there. What's the point in gushing to them? It makes everyone feel uneasy. I would rather be forgotten by someone than remembered as 'that person that did something stupid'. In the end, I am simply too awkward to
endure any awkwardness.

So again, YouTube brings to light my vast emotional failings. Maybe I should go back to reading books.

PS: What a rambling post this is, too many thoughts at too early an hour. I blame BEDA. Sometimes nothing to say and then, all at once, too much.

BEDA #13 - Bad Bedmate, Fopp And iPod Typing

2010-08-14T01:15:00.003+01:00

Good morrow to ya! It's been a fine day, apart from all the rain. It wasn't another day in which I did nothing but it still wasn't very exciting.

Woke up at Amy's to Charlotte's foot in my face. Apparently I am a bad person to share a single bed with because I steal the covers a lot. In case any perspective partners are reading this, I'm sure I would be much more hospitable in a double bed! Either way, I had a pretty good nights sleep and left at about 11 having left Amy a note because she was, blissfully and with a slight snore, still asleep.

Then I came home to an empty house for the first time in ages. I used this blessed opportunity to... watch Friends and Come Dine With Me which is my massive guilty pleasure show this summer. I could be outside enjoying the sunshine (or, if it's like today, intermediate showers) but instead I'm inside watching boring people confusing being rude with being entertaining.

Then my dad called and invited me on a Fopp binge. It was a pretty good haul but we both feel we've outgrown it. Not because it's not a good shop; it's brilliant at selling the cheap staples that everyone needs in their record collection and for new releases. But me and my dad found very few of the things on our respective lists. Maybe it's time to go back to my old familiar friend Rough Trade.

Then Amy came round to take some things (mostly YouTube music) from my external hard drive. We spent a couple of hours talking and, inevitably, it turned into a Harry Potter chat. That always happens to me - it's because I have awesome nerd friends!

Sorry if there are mistakes in this of the spelling or grammatical persuation: I'm typing this out on an iPod Touch. I also have to stand in my bedroom doorway to publish it: the things I do for you BEDA! Tomorrow I'll probably use my mum's laptop because I'm going to meet EFFING JOHN GREEN so I'll have a lot of gushing to do.

BEDA #12 - Short Post Because I'm Going To Be Social

2010-08-13T00:58:00.004+01:00

This is going to be a very short post because I've just come back from a night out and staying at the Permaul household and it's considered rude to, when welcomed into someone's home, to ignore them and sit on their computer blogging.

Today was more eventful than most so I might just talk about that rather than try and think of something deep. Went to Covent Garden with Charlotte, caught up with her and then went to the new Apple Store. It's beautiful! Such a brilliant building and the space is used so well. But we were there for business - I had to bring my broken MacBook to the Genius Bar. The guy was really sympathetic having had the same problem; he did the dangerous 'stick a cocktail stick with glue into the socket and hope it sets'. I'm in warranty so they're going to fix it but it means THREE DAYS without my MacBook.

So, to get over this, I went out to celebrate another eighteenth. They seem to come around so often, I'm kinda going to miss them when the last person turns. Went to the pub and people were throwing up all over the place and I wasn't very drunk but it was fun all the same. Now I've come back to Amy's for a slumber party thing, even though I live a few minutes away.

So Amy and Charlotte want me to talk about them. Maybe they can be my more serious topic? They are awesome: Charlotte is my best friend ever and I love her and I'm so glad she's back. She never deserves the drama she gets sucked into. And Amy's family might be my favourite ever. Their idiosyncrasies are the best and they always have the best stories. That wasn't that serious.

Using her MacBook is bittersweet. I would promise a better blog tomorrow but I doubt anything exciting will happen to warrant one.

BEDA #11 - Achy Shoulder, Nothing Day and A Defence Of HP/SS

2010-08-12T00:19:00.005+01:00

Oh BEDA, how you make me reflect on how boring my life is! I had another nothing day where I did nothing but, unlike the last time this month, I can't talk about how much I love nothing days because I did that a couple of days ago. So I'm going to go through my day, step-by-step, in the (possibly doomed) hope that I did something, even one thing, remotely worth talking about. Not only for BEDA but in order to reassure myself I am not wasting my life away.

I got up late, very late and just had time for a shower before *another* builder came to look at *another* leak in our bathroom ceiling. Same old, same old. I do miss showering in the middle of the night though; I'm not sure if I do this because of some deep-seated but subconscious insecurity or I'm too lazy to be bothered before 2a.m. Somewhere in the vast middle ground between those probably, where all things I do lie.

I had lunch, got dressed and changed the cartridges on my new wireless printer. I did warn you I'd done nothing. I then moved my shoulder funny and now it really hurts, enough to make me gasp when I try and sit up straight. I blame it for my terrible posture rather than the aforementioned laziness. And then I started a new Harry/Severus slash fiction. I can talk about this! Finally.

A surprising number of people are interested in my love of gay television and, later, slash fiction. Or they at least indulge me as I talk about it. Lots of things make people outside the fold find certain things impossible to swallow, and I share their view on most. Harry/Ron, Wincest, Twincest, MPreg. But everyone, and I mean everyone, also hates Harry/Severus.

I did as well, for a long time. And there are still some, the poorly written ones mostly, that I don't like. But now I think it is probably my second favourite pair in the fandom, beaten only by Remus/Sirius which is so awesome it's basically canon. I can see why everyone is a bit wary of it - Severus is old enough to be Harry's father (literally having gone to school with him), holds nothing but resentment for Harry for being born, is generally greasy in appearance. How can he and Harry be a good couple?

Well, there are several reasons why I like this pairing. The first is that Snape is, by a mile, the most interesting and intriguing character in the Harry Potter verse. He epitomises evil in so many ways: his appearance, his demeanour, his house, his subject. And yet his story is one of redemption, a man who loved passionately and who saved so many, did so much good for a cause that belittled him. And even connected to Harry is story is, in essence, one of goodness. He saves Harry more than anyone else, physically and emotionally, because he treats Harry as badly as everyone else, maybe worse, where others might have stroked his ego.

A major motif of Harry/Severus is Harry coming to teach DADA (which should have happened in the epilogue but whatever) and Severus realising, as he never got to in canon, that Harry is more than the man he pegged him for. He is not arrogant or hot-headed but mature and self-sacrificing. And more like his mother than his father.

Another story (which occurs a lot in Harry Potter slash) is, for some reason, Severus and Harry *have* to be together. They've been accidentally bound or purposely bound to help Harry win, they are destined to be together etc etc. All the plot is pretty boring but the idea of them being *forced* together is another way in which Severus is forced to see Harry as the man he really is. And Severus may be a hard, cold man but we know he is not evil. And Harry is, to some extent, able to melt everyone's hearts. They are truly opposites and fit together well. Severus (unlike Draco who I admit can also fulfill most of these requirements) is old enough and sensible enough to save Harry from himself. And, unlike Harry/Sirius which I hate, there is no other emotional connection (other than misguided animosity) to hold them back.

It also allows for a lot of angst - 'I'm not good enough for you. You're young and beautiful and could have someone better' or 'I am unlovable and not worthy of you, a man much braver than me.' Lots of bad dreams and war wounds (another thing they share). And angst is a good bedrock for slash fic, I enjoy it much better than fluff.

Another major motif is 'inner-beauty'. Severus is not an outwardly attractive man but he has many qualities which make him incredibly sexual - his hands, his voice, his elegance, his movements. In this way, it is easy to make him a school-boy crush of Harry's as, compared to the other teachers, he is the only character to possess these qualities.

But above all, the relationship between them in good HPSS slash is one which is more complicated than most. It's not instantly happy or smutty or fluffy - it's a complex amalgamation of their characters which is both compelling and unique. They do not live happy ever after - they banter and they argue and it's explosive and mature and something people on the outside often cannot understand.

So there, my terrible defense of Harry/Severus. I truly believe it works and if you are remotely persuaded here are some of my favourite Harry/Severus which are a much better defence than this could ever be, although most are quite long. They persuaded me, maybe they can persuade you.

Pains and Contradictions
The Fifth Act
Runes Of War
Union Of Doom
The Scios Totalus Of Legend
A Question Of Circumstance
Light On The Dark Side Of Me

BEDA #10 - Stupid Headphones, PC World And Illness

2010-08-11T00:52:00.004+01:00

I have that annoying kind of illness which is not so ill you can't do things (like BEDA) but enough that doing things (like BEDA) is painful, tiring and annoying. I had a long nap earlier, so deep it took a lot of shouting on the part of my dad to wake me up, which explains why this post is still only up after midnight.

After I left you last night, probably right after at 2am, I managed to damage my most prized possession: my MacBook. My stupid Apple headphones were on the fritz and a little bit broke off in the jack and so not only can I not use the jack but there's no sound because it thinks there are headphones in. And now the sound is like, frozen, but I don't know why. Basically, I wanted to cry.

I went online after Googling my issue and I felt less stupid knowing other people had been in similar situations. The advice differed between 'Take it to Apple if it's in warranty' to 'Use medical tweezers' to 'Put a bit of glue on the end of a cocktail stick and let it set'. In the end, I set up a Genius appointment, the earliest in London being on Thursday at the new store which I wanted to check out anyway.

Because I already had an irrational fear of all my music and photos and applications just disappearing, this was a good opportunity to buy an external hard drive so (bare in mind this was the middle of the night) I did literally ten minutesof research and ordered a 'Western Digital My Passport for Mac 500GB USB 2.0 Hard Drive - Charcoal' and picked it up in PC World.

PC World scares me. They have someone sitting on a throne by the door who stares at you to make sure you're not nicking any printer paper or something. I had to go to the one in Tottenham Court Road and it was deserted and still it took ten minutes to see I was standing at the 'Collect@Store' desk. I got my hard drive and was out in a flash.

I used Time Machine for the first time as well - I like it. It's simple and effective but I can't help panicking that despite it saying everything is fine that something will go wrong and I'll still lose everything. I think I'm just generally paranoid about data - it's why I like CDs, they are a lot harder to lose.

I wish I had something more to say about today. I've managed to conjure up something most days doing this but basically I've just been freaking out about my MacBook. I am expecting it to last for a bit longer. And by a bit I mean years. It's perfect for me - the right size, the right speed, not too complicated. So I'll be really depressed if it has to get sent off somewhere.

Anyway, goodbye until tomorrow. I'm going to turn on my slow and elderly PC to watch Luke and Noah (sorry, Reid) and listen to Nowhere Near News.

BEDA #9 - Old Friends, Sore Throats And Beautiful Information

2010-08-10T00:19:00.003+01:00

Hello again. I've not been feeling great today so this blog may read like someone's acid trip. I can only apologise in advance as I doubt my aching joints will have to energy to scroll through and edit the mistakes once I finish this.

I started the day by going out to Kensington with my oldest and dearest friend Karimah. I love our days out; we essentially do the same thing every time so it's like moving on autopilot around the high street. It's comforting in a way, a routine. We see each other pretty regularly for our 'fat days' as they were christened very early on and it's nice to chat with someone I know so well and love so much but who is, mostly, outside of the social circle I see all the time.

That paragraph, that one you just read up there, is exactly why I hate blogging about my real life. I know to a certain extent that is the point of a blog but do you guys really care? Maybe you've already closed the window/tab. If so, you'll miss (although I guess it's they'll because you must still be here to read this) an amazing rant.

Well not amazing, short because I think I contracted death from Amy at the YouTube gathering. Let this be a lesson to you: never share a water bottle with someone who has lost their voice. I know: that's a newsflash so surprising it nearly tops Breakfast News' "Did you know thickly sliced bread has more calories than thinly sliced bread?"

And while we're talking about BBC News (which I generally love, trust and cherish) I think 'Information is Beautiful' was badly represented by Newsnight tonight. It's a website a friend turned me onto not long ago and I've seen their graphics all over since then, each time more staggered not only by the statistics themselves but the new, inventive and, above all, informative way different pieces of information are presented.

The thread of the argument seemed to be 'To make information beautiful is to take away from the seriousness of the message'. I disagree. For a start, while 'Information is Beautiful' is a good name it is not entirely accurate. Yes the information is presented beautifully but it is also presented well, not in a way which impedes your interpretation or understanding of the data but which enhances it.

Secondly, too often people separate design from function, whereas I would argue you cannot be good at one and not the other. These graphs (and that is what they are - graphs - pictorial descriptions of data) are nice to look at but they also work as a description of data. They are not, as I think the man opposite David McCandless said 'A puzzle you could easily get lost in'. Instead, they are a puzzle which fits together perfectly and are presenting pure facts in a way which makes them engaging to a wide audience.

It is wrong to assume data has to be a stream of numbers - we've known that ever since Florence Nightingale invented the pie chart. Different people look at and understand information in different ways and as we move closer towards a web-savvy society more and more people are going to have an understanding of graphic design/fonts/graphics like there to name but a few. Because online, as in life, the things which are designed well (and, to some extent, look good) are the most functional. Much better than those flashy, inefficient joke websites.

As you can probably tel from this post, I am no expert and am not well-versed in graphic design at a serious or academic level. But I can tell you this much - 'Information is Beautiful' is a great website making interesting, beautiful but above all informative graphs which makes information easier to digest and often brings it together from different sources to show you the whole picture.

And it does no detriment to the whole picture that it's a pretty picture unto itself.

BEDA #8 - Doing Nothing, Having Dinner And Then More Nothing

2010-08-09T00:02:00.003+01:00

It's just like me to follow up a super exciting day like Summer In The City with a super boring day. And today has been super boring. It's days like today that are why I tried to stop blogging about my real life and rather rant about things that have an effect on my life. I got up very late, I showered in a bathroom with no ceiling and some grit fell on me, I got dressed, I watched an episode of Modern Family, I ate dinner, I watched some Dave. I still didn't manage to get this post up before midnight. All in all very boring.

I am currently going through my Tweets to see if something even vaguely interesting occurred to me today to blog about. Hmm... I bought my dad tickets to a gig in October that I really want to go to but I can't because, all things being well, I will be at university. It seems not to have quite sunk in for him yet considering he asked if I was up for it. Oh well, I am the only child and all that. I don't think any of us have quite got our heads around the fact I won't be around but we haven't got long to get there before it's really happening.

Yeah, that truly is the only thing of merit that happened today. Most people would look at today and see a humongous waste of time, mostly because today has been a humongous waste of time. But I like days like today, especially after the week I've had. Since we came back from interrailing it's been a non-stop barrage of ceilings falling down and YouTube gatherings and parties and muggings and credit card fraud. I barely feel like I've recovered. That's why it's taken me until today to properly unpack and tidy-up. (Well, that and my perpetual laziness).

Also, in general, I think everyone needs days like the day I've had today. It's the kind of relaxation most people enjoy after paying hundreds of pounds for a holiday to Spain so I like to think of myself as both thrifty and green when I have days like today. It's the kind of nothingness that you feel better for afterwards. And, all things considered, I might not have many days like this this summer.

Well, I got quite a lot of milage from my nothing day all things considered. Tomorrow I go out for lunch with my oldest friend for the last time in I dread to think how long so I'm sure I can get my self emotional whipped up for a post about that tomorrow.

BEDA #7 - Summer In The City, Social Awkwardness and Sore Feet

2010-08-08T01:09:00.005+01:00

This post is going to be bad. I apologise. I've spent all day running under trees to shelter from the rain and standing a safe distance from famous YouTubers and essentially not sitting down anywhere so my feet are killing me and all I want to do is lie down and sleep off what has been an awesome day.

I had a good day, nay a great one. Tasha and Amy are the perfect gathering companions because they are funny and awkward as me. Because this is the thing about YouTube gatherings (and having been to three I feel I am an expert) they are fun. But everyone else looks like they are having *more* fun.

I guess the weird thing about gatherings is the weird thing about YouTube in general. We (and by we I mean the plebs) watch them (and by them I mean the shiny but normal members of YouTube royalty) because, unlike normal celebrities they are our age, attainable but somehow superior to us and a little bit of us believes with the right amount of time and alcohol we could be the best of friends. So you watch their videos, laugh, chat to your friends about them and before you know it, they are a part of your life. A small part, granted, but a part nonetheless. You know things about them too - the TV shows they watch, the instruments they play, the posters on their wall. And here in lies in inequality - they don't know anything about you. When they talk to the camera, it might look like they are talking to you but they are talking to the camera.

I find this (because I am an emotional basketcase) all too much to take. Clearly I don't wait for them to introduce themselves but do I just call them by their first name regardless of the fact they do not know mine? Do I talk about something from one of their videos but then, I already commented so...? So I complement them, that sounds simple. But it's also loaded - am I sucking up, am I looking for an endorsement on their channel? I'm not, I just wanna say hi but how do I convey that? It doesn't help (although I do really like it) that they are all a pretty tight-knit friendship group themselves, at least in the UK. Why would you wanna talk to me when you could talk to the people I wish I was talking to?

And all this is exacerbated by the fact that I am socially awkward enough with people I know, let alone strangers I admire in varying degrees of intensity. There were many times today I could have spoken to many people whose videos I watch ad nauseam - got a glass of water right next to where Johnny Durham was standing, Alex Day stood behind me the entire Blue Skies set, bought a t-shirt off Jazza etc. And it's not that I think if I go up to them they'll be horrible because I'm sure they are all really nice; at least all the evidence points that way. But if I start the conversation it will also be my duty to sustain it and I am not a good small talker at the best of times.

It's also true that lots of vloggers started making videos because they themselves are not very good at social interaction. So two people, neither of whom are any good at casual chatting about nothing with total strangers, is just the right ingredients for an incredibly awkward and in the end dull exchange in which both walk away wishing it had never happened. I'd rather point Charlie out in the distance than make him feel uncomfortable because of my inability to chat with him like a normal human being.

But despite all this, I did genuinely have a good time. I got to see some people I haven't seen since last years gathering, met lots of people as awkward as me, got soaked in the rain and enjoyed every second of the gig: including afterwards when The Luminaire was transformed into an indie disco. And the gig was really awesome - I love going to see bands where the audience know all the words and dance and sing along. Like the entire event, the atmosphere was really lively and laid-back and it helps that everyone who played is ridiculously talented. The point of going is not to meet famous YouTubers necessarily but to enjoy yourself amongst a group of people who, like you, know all the words to Indigo including the colour verse and who are wearing the same Johnny Durham t-shirt as you. And it's fun to meet new people and chat about things normally only a few of your friends care about. It's fun to play 'Spot The YouTuber' when you're in a massive circle for Duck Duck Goose. To some extent, it's fun to embarrass yourself. At least it'd make a good story for your blog (better than this one).

I'm going to go now because I can't hear myself above those people talking at the back and I need to give Jez some birthday beats. (That's another good thing about gatherings - the private jokes).

BEDA #6 - The Elephant In The Room, The Hole In The Ceiling And The Boy Who Cried Asbestos

2010-08-07T00:20:00.001+01:00

I am getting into a habit of posting these after midnight and calling it the BEDA of (technically) the day before. Oh well, it will be a quirk of my BEDA posts. One, I have no doubt, all my millions of readers have come to laugh at with affection most people reserve for elderly relatives.

I want to talk about the big elephant in the room (and by room I mean my life) but I want to start by ranting about my real life. For a change. Because, let's be honest, what's the point of a blog if not to occasionally get angry and feel like you're doing something constructive with it when, in reality, the only people who will read the post will be people who, due to friendship or familial commitments, are predisposed to agree with you?

Anyway, my bathroom ceiling has become a massive saga. We started with a leak coming through our bathroom light fitting, which spread across the ceiling and down the wall. We had one builder, who came in looking like an extra from Dawn of the Dead, and fiddled with the toilet upstairs. But nothing stopped. So someone came and bashed a massive hole in our bathroom ceiling and pointed at a leak. Thanks for that. The insurance company then got funny about doing the work and we've been waiting for days. Meanwhile an electrician has come and switched the fuse off so none of our ceiling lights work. Today, someone came and basically refused to touch anything because it the man upstairs' responsibility (despite the fact they are going to be billing his insurance company) and then, despite the fact it is the least urgent part of the job, offered to take our ceiling down. And then, when he saw some Artex we plastered over years ago, cried asbestos despite the fact no builder we have ever had has mentioned it before.

And now we're back to fiddle-with-the-toilet builder to come back tomorrow to fix the pipe. Thank God I'm going to be out all day at Summer In The City.

Right, elephant in the room before my laptop dies or my dad wakes up (having fallen asleep next to me watching Old Grey Whistle Test footage) from my tapping of keys. The Elephant in the Room is... well, Cambridge. Or it would be the elephant in the room if people abided by my rule of no talking about it which no one has. But anyway, it's there. I've been going over options and e-mailing them and generally getting swept up in the prospect of going there which I've been trying desperately hard not to do.

I know, I know. They wouldn't have given me an offer with the Spanish grade I had if they weren't at least maybe going to let me in without the perfect grades most other people going will undoubtedly have. And, let's be honest here, of all the people who applied to Cambridge, I wanted it the least at the time of sending UCAS off. I thought it silly to pin my hopes on, thought that there were plenty of great universities who had none of the pressure intrinsically connected to Oxbridge. Including Exeter where I would be more than happy to go. It's awesome.

But I have to be honest, with results day only a few weeks away, I am realising that I do want to go. A lot. And maybe my reluctance has less to do with the fact I might not get in (which people, despite your sweet protests to the contrary, is a possibility) and more to do with the fact I'm not sure if I'm enough for it.

I'm not going to be overly-humble now - I know I'm clever. I have a string of exam results to prove to me I'm not stupid and if I get in, a panel of people who look at some of the brightest brains in the world will have decided I am, in fact, good enough.

But there's lots of stuff I don't know that somehow I feel I *should* know. Maybe I'm overestimating Oxbridge undergraduates but a part of me thinks that, to get in, you should be able to spell 'include' without spellcheck (which I can never do) or know when the French Revolution was without looking it up, should know more about The Peasants Revolt and less about Old Grey Whistle Test footage and gay soaps from Germany.

I don't know. I think even if I get in I won't be convinced I am good enough until I graduate and even then I'll do that annoying thing where I talk about 'scraping my result'.

Maybe all this is just fear of going from a big fish in small pond to a small fish in a massive pond full of people who, by a lot of measures, probably know a lot more about my subject than me.

And despite all this, and all my doubts about the grades and the snobbery and antiquated nature of the system, really want to go. I want, essentially, an academic experience from a university before anything else. I want to be stretched beyond my imagination and I want to read until I want to burn every history book in the world.

I want to get in. And even if, on the day, I act nonchalant, I will be very disappointed if I don't.

PS: The title of this post - three of the worst titles for children's books ever?

BEDA #5 - Forgot To BEDA Until 3am

2010-08-06T03:05:00.002+01:00

Nothing to report except I choose my History options (or some of them) for next year, went book shopping, saw a man get arrested at a bus stop, a old woman threaten to 'cut' someone who didn't say excuse me, all the lights in my house have been turned off at the fuse so we have to use table lamps everywhere like mood lighting and I'm expected to be awoken tomorrow to the sound of three builders tearing my bathroom ceiling down.

All in all, a boring day.

BEDA #4 - Bad Day, Good Film and Great News

2010-08-05T00:57:00.000+01:00

It may be after midnight but I don't care. My blog, my rules right? And besides after a bad day of insurance companies and leaking ceilings and generally slobbing about I have been cheered up.

First of all, I watched 10 Things I Hate About You which I concluded is just the best film of all time. Every scene is a moment unto itself, every joke hits the nail on the head, every performance the right blend of subtle and commanding. It even manages to tam that elusive beast: the teen movie soundtrack. It's not trying to be cool and failing because it's not trying at all. Just timeless guitar riffs and lyrics which fit the moment without cliché.

But then the really great news, the new that warrants happy dancing across the world and pride-flag waving in the streets. Proposition 8, which I have blogged about here before, has been ruled to be unconstitutional with some brilliant lines from the presiding judge:

"Proposition 8 places the force of law behind stigmas against gays and lesbians, including: gays and lesbians do not have intimate relationships similar to heterosexual couples; gays and lesbians are not as good as heterosexuals; and gay and lesbian relationships do not deserve the full recognition of society. Plaintiffs do not seek recognition of a new right. To characterize plaintiffs' objective as "the right to same-sex marriage" would suggest that plaintiffs seek something different from what opposite-sex couples across the state enjoy -- namely, marriage. Rather, plaintiffs ask California to recognize their relationships for what they are: marriages."

Of course, this is not the end of the fight by a long shot. But what it has proven is that the sometimes the facts speak for themselves. Equality has won despite the many things (namely rich Christians) fighting against it and this ruling has the potential to make a massive impact on the similar rows taking place across the country.

BEDA #3 - Boring Days, Bad Things Come In Threes and Interrailing

2010-08-03T23:24:00.001+01:00

So, nothing of merit has happened today. Nothing. I finished a chocolate orange and that was pretty much my greatest achievement. Oh, and they changed the rules on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Yeah, I've been so productive.

Due to my day being quite boring, I thought that I would try and write about something interesting not about my life. But I've come up a bit blank. So I might talk about my Interrailing trip because at least it's happy and I feel with everything that's happened since I came back (my card cloned, bathroom ceiling leaking, friends mugged) there's been little chance to bask in it.

We started off in Copenhagen which was lovely. Small enough that we could wander around easily, plenty of places to buy sausages and in general a truly beautiful place. I've never been there before and it struck me as an incredibly relaxed place. On the rest of our travels, people would say to us 'Copenhagen, that's very expensive' but at the time, we didn't notice it, possibly because we're used to London pricing. In fact, we probably spent the least there. Of course, alcohol is expensive but we only had a couple of beers. What was nice about our time in Copenhagen was it was beautiful enough that wandering around was entertainment enough. Not that we did nothing - we went up the Round Tower, saw Hans Christian Anderson's gravestone and went into the castle. Basically, it's a wonderful place.

Next was Berlin. I went to Berlin a couple of years ago with my parents and loved it. It's how I imagine London was before mass gentrification and one of the most interesting things we did was the 'alternative' walking tour whose major theme was gentrification. As interesting as it would have been to visit Berlin when the wall was up, I think this is a good time to go because, relative to other European cities, it's in the early stages of development. It's unique history also means there are lots of genuinely touristy things to do - Brandenburg Gate, Checkpoint Charlie, Holocaust Memorial etc. But possibly the best part of Berlin was the hostel. The people were knowledgeable and helpful, the other people staying there friendly and we went out for a couple of really good, big and cheap meals with the people there. I think that Berlin is my favourite European city and I'll be interested to see if it still is in a few years.

From there we went to Prague. We had an unfortunate journey spent in the aisle but our hostel could not have been closer to the station or more central. It's (and I think this is a phrase which will be repeated throughout this post) a beautiful place but in a more historic way that Copenhagen. We spent lots of time in the Old Town Square, sipping cheap beer and eating pizza slices and joining the mass of tourists who want to watch the Astronomical Clock go. In our only full day, we went up the castle which is incredible and it's awe-inspiring cathedral, around the Senate Gardens, across the St. Charles Bridge, off to John Lennon Wall and back for some time in the Old Town Square. It was a little bit rainy but overall I had a good time there, albeit short.

So then we moved onto Vienna. This is the only other place (besides Copenhagen) I haven't been before and it was truly beautiful. We spent our first evening having the weirdest meal I have ever experienced - we went to a pizza restaurant who seemingly had never met an outsider, gave us the largest pizzas I have ever seen, were playing Spanish christmas songs and gave us roses they'd plucked out of vases. Our first day was spent exploring the ring in the centre of Vienna - the Parliament building, town hall, theatre, Old Stock exchange etc. We went to see another clock go - this time the art-noveau Anker Clock and then another Jewish Memorial. From there, we went to Naschmart and Charlotte has some world class falafel. We spent the end of our afternoon in the Museum Quarter looking at Klimt's and an impressive Keith Harring exhibit. Had a traditional Austrian meal that evening and then an early night. Spent our last day at Schonbrunn Palace which was lavish on an epic scale. Then we killed some time back at the hostel before our night train, which was an experience unto itself.

And lastly, Venice. When we arrived it was under a raincloud... literally! But it did manage to wash away a lot of day trippers and we had a quiet, dry evening wandering around St. Mark's Square with pizza and ice cream (our entire diet during our time in Italy). Then, much like our first stop in Copenhagen, we spent our sunny day just wandering around. It's such a beautiful place, exactly how you would expect it and we did the typical things. Too cheap for a gondola but we did get a water bus, cross the Rialto which was right by our B&B about a thousand times, eat more pizza, cross endless bridges. It was boiling hot and we got bitten to death but it was very different from the other place we'd visited and was a good end to the trip. One frantic trip to the airport later and we were home and dry.

So that's it - a short summation of a trip that lasted 11 days but felt like 11 months. In a good way. I had a fantastic time and I hope my memories are not tarnished in the future by what we came home to.

Until tomorrow fair readers (not that I have any proof I have even one).

BEDA #2 - Shaken Up, Atheist and Ready To Sleep

2010-08-02T12:48:00.002+01:00

Not really sure if it's a bit shameless to blog about this but considering what happened last night, I have nothing else to talk about.

Two friends of mine last night walking home from a party were mugged at gunpoint. Everyone is physically okay although I'm sure the phrase 'shaken up' is not enough to describe how they're feeling emotionally. Pretty aptly sums up how I am feeling though. I got a phone call from Charlotte's aunt about half an hour after they had left and there was a terrifying few seconds and then lots of adrenaline and worry.

I am just really glad they are okay. I suppose most people would thank God but last night pretty much confirmed to me that I am definitely an atheist. There were lots of things I wanted to do: cry, throw up, give them both a hug; but I didn't want to pray or thank anyone in particular even though I was incredibly thankful. Incredibly thankful.

Essentially last night was tiring. Obviously this story has very little do with me and much more to do with them. Going over for a half hour or so basically to give Charlotte a half-hour long hug and then my plan is to read all day and rest and try and shower off this feeling of... I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm afraid to walk home alone anymore but this is the first time anyone I've been really close to has experienced crime. And real crime, not TV crime, is a lot scarier and less glamourous than even the dark fantasies you have in your head.

Just so happy everyone is okay and hoping (but not praying) a quiet day will be enough to shake my shaken up state.

BEDA #1 - Blogging, Fragility and Toy Story 3.

2010-08-01T19:08:00.002+01:00

So I had kinda forgotten that today was the first of August. Firstly I was going to vlog every day this month more because it's fun than because I think anyone would watch. But then I decided blogging was probably a more obtainable goal because it's something I do anyway. Occasionally.

BEDA, if you don't know, stands for Blog Every Day In April. Except this year it is Blog Every Day In August so the organiser (young adult author Maureen Johnson) could take part (although due to VALID REASONS she is not doing it anyway but by this point lots of other people planned to do it anyway).

Okay - August 1st. Woke up a little bit fragile after a crazy night last night; my best friend turned eighteen and had a whole big party. It was equal parts fun and emotional. Then, in order to make me feel less fragile, I went to see Toy Story 3 and cried pretty much all the way through. So now I still feel fragile.

I really enjoyed the film. I think the great things about the franchise is that it seems like such a simple idea, one that seems so obvious you can't believe it hasn't been done before (incidentally, this is something I universally feel about good art whatever the medium). The characters are so well drawn, each with a unique personality even those who have limited screen time or dialogue, like the three-eyed aliens whose mantras of 'The claw!' and 'You saved our lives, we are eternally grateful' are seeped in humour and emotion.

But what made this film particularly sad for me at this precise moment in time is that, like Andy, I am about to pack my childhood away in boxes and go of to university. In the same way that Andy is saving his toys in boxes for an undisclosed future when he might want to dig them out again, I have tonnes of relics from my past stored away. Not only have I grown up with the films but now I've grown up with Andy. A little part of me though, the same part that is terrfied of the real world, wants to go back to when the first one came out; to go into the Disney Store and buy a new Woody doll and play with it for hours. Because Toy Story itself is a relic from my childhood, albeit one I still enjoy. The way Andy wants to hold onto Woody, I want to hold on to Andy. That simple truth makes every poignant moment even more potent. Or at least that's my excuse for bawling like a baby.

Beyond that though, it's a wonderful film and I would recommend it to anyone.

So that's it. My first BEDA blog. Guess I'll see you again tomorrow.

PS: Promise to think of some interesting things to write!

A Long Overdue Blog About Graduating

2010-07-12T16:14:00.002+01:00

On Wednesday 30th June, and after a day of painstakingly cutting out the bunting with my friends, the Class of 2010 graduated from QPCS.

It was a nice ceremony - not too formal, some great speeches (especially Dominic Self's which was unanimously agreed to be awesome) and virtually the entire year showed up. I got given two awards - one for Spanish (oh, the irony) and one for... I'm not actually sure what it's called because the introduction was so complementary I wasn't really listening assumed that it wasn't me but something along the lines of 'Generally Awesome In The Opinions Of Your Teachers Award'. And I nearly cried. And the after-party was cool too, in a real grown-up pub drinking real grown-up beer with a lovely view of... Kilburn High Road at twilight.

But graduating was a far less emotional experience than expected. I think in part it's because I'm completely ready to leave; although it hasn't really hit me yet, I know that I'm as ready as I'll ever be to leave (school, home is a different story for later). I also think it's because this is the second time we've done the crying 'oh my everyone's leaving thing' and, even though most of us stayed, it felt more real at the end of Year 11. And we learnt moving apart wasn't the end of the world, some of my best friends don't go to QPCS. (A startling correction: this is, mostly, no longer true maybe aside for this guy and a few others)

It also may not be so sad because I have come to the realisation that you cannot stay in contact with everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I like to think of myself as vaguely popular. As Charlotte likes to say, we're pretty standard and I don't think many people (if any) actively don't like me. But there are people I like and who like me, friends if you will, who I will lose. It's inevitable. There are, when you boil it down, a select few people I feel it is paramount to keep in contact with and I will try to make sure that happens because they are the loveliest people ever. And for our generation it'll be easier to keep in contact, what with all the blasted social networking. Is it sad that in a few years I won't be able to remember the names of people I have seen every day for the last seven years? A little. But the people who matter will never be forgotten and I will (I hope) have no (woo, subconscious slip, I meant *new*) friends and acquaintances to fill the gaps.

But, on reflection, I am incredibly sad to never be going back to QPCS. Our year has, throughout Sixth Form, become an incredibly close group of people. No one is alone, no rivalries, no cliques, any group of people who end up sitting together can chat and laugh and @ reply each other. But more than that, I know I am incredibly lucky to have had the experience I have had at QPCS.

Like Dominic said in his speech, when people here you go to QPCS, they give you this almost pitying glance and seem to assume you did it out of the goodness of your heart. I did it because I wanted to walk to school and the other school close enough hadn't been built yet. That's it; no agenda, no fuss. People seem to assume you're being charitable, as if you must be lost within a mass of other students and forgotten by everyone. But I have never been forgotten: I have had some amazing experiences, a phenomenal set of school trips, some top-class teachers, a genuine feeling of community. No other school could possibly have given me more.

Over and above that, I have been lucky to meet this group of people. Over the last couple of years, it has become increasingly obvious to me that people like me don't always (or often) have such a great secondary school experience. I should clarify; by people like me, I mean nerdy, academic, awkward, politically active and vocal etc. Most people as nerdlike as me find it difficult to fit in, and I am not attempting to say no-one has felt isolated at QPCS for the same reasons. I know I have sometimes. But on the whole, I have met the most incredible people ever - friends as nerdy and weird and political as me, although not always in the same ways. I have had my horizons broadened by those so different from me and enriched by those with whom I have so much in common. This is a uniquely positive school experience and for it I will be eternally grateful.

So if in three years, they ask me back to give a speech (and I really hope they don't) I will tell the class of 2013 that school isn't always the best days of your life, that some people look back and see only the hormones and the angst. But when I look back, I see seven years spent with the most amazing people doing the most amazing things. And the bar is set pretty high for the next set of best years of my life, whether it be Cambridge or Exeter.

Aspirational TV - And Why I Don't Aspire To It

2010-06-01T15:14:00.001+01:00

On Friday, me and a bunch of friends went to see 'Sex and the City 2'. I was, at best, a casual viewer of the TV show and saw the first movie on DVD at someone else's house so my excitement at the prospect of the second film was more muted than most others in the cinema. I've always had a bit of an issue with the sexual politics (women's liberation, for me, has never been about how much sex you can have or how many shoes you can buy yourself) but this film reminded me of another issue I have with this and, in fact, most American TV shows.

'Sex and the City' is supposedly an 'aspirational' TV show; we watch the show and it brings light to our sad little lives to, for an hour, imagine we could have a life like Carrie's. When I see her walk-in wardrobe full of designer clothes or her inexplicably large apartment (do they ever explain how a columnist can afford that?), the fact that they eat out every night, get taxis everywhere and are spoilt enough to complain when a flat-screen TV is not the extremely expensive gift they dreamed of I'm supposed to want to be her. But I don't.

Now, I'm not saying I am devoid of consumerist tendencies. I own iPods and MacBooks and TVs, my issue is not even that these people are rich. It's how they are rich; this incredible sense of entitlement they possess, the fact that their shallow need for the latest Prada handbag is supposed to make me sympathise with them. Be rich, that's fine, I have no problem. But I am not impressed by lavish displays of decadence like these writers clearly want me to be; in fact, I am appalled. The hotel in Abu-Dahbi doesn't make me salivate with jealousy but cringe in disgust. It's a symbol of a society that runs on huge financial and social inequality, on people working inhumane hours for inhumane pay to polish the diamond-encrusted floors of twelve-star hotels. These places aren't beautiful: they are lavish for the sake of being lavish, the equivalent of buying a t-shirt which reads 'I Went To Abu-Dahbi And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt Factory'.

If 'aspirational TV' aims to have me green with envy then it hasn't. Neither the life I have nor the life I aspire to is portrayed in television drama, which is fine, but please don't then pretend this is catering for me. I'm not saying this because I 'don't get' Sex and the City, although I don't. I'm saying it because I honestly think that wealth on that scale means I cannot identify with their problems. So many movies and TV shows now about 'powerful women' have them, essentially, as self-entitled shrews telling men exactly what anniversary gift they want, manipulating them into marriages or explaining to them why they just don't get it. Would real liberation not be a partnership? Don't genuine relationships have a bit more give and take? The TV executives don't even want me to have their lives, they want me to envy their problems. And these women are so poorly portrayed I am nearly always on the side of the men - as during the entire running time of 'He's Just Not That Into You', a movie whose message was decimated by it's own characters.

I know I said I wouldn't get into gender politics but I have one thing I want to take serious issue with. Miranda quits her job because her boss has turned into a cartoon sexist and she immediately runs to her son's science fair. And she sees him and thinks, virtually says out loud 'this is so much better than any job'. This pattern is repeated over and over again in TV shows, this idea that working women should feel guilty. But if it is so easy for her to just give up her job, because clearly they don't need the money to live and bring up a child in New York, what was the point of portraying her for so many series as this hard-driven career woman? And if it's quality time with her son she wanted, maybe less fortnights away with the girlfriends are in order. It, to me anyway, just seems like a cheap way of making Miranda available for the holiday plot but at the same time, in effect, claiming a women's best work is to stand around at science fairs.

I'm ranting about 'Sex and the City' because it is one side of the spectrum but 'aspirational TV' is everywhere. Virtually every American drama is a series of rich people complaining about how difficult their lives are. Again, I'm not saying being rich is a bad thing, but there is no sense of balance. I watch 'The OC' and the only way anyone works their way out of poverty is to be 'saved' by a rich family, you watch 'Desperate Housewives' and it's twenty-room mansions posing as average suburban living, even my old favourite 'As The World Turns' is the story of several rich families in the small town of Oakdale with their own TV networks and private planes on standby. Even 'Friends' is a show about a group of Friends so close it almost sickening and isn't that what we all want, to have friend who become family? We, in the UK, seem to be better at making dramas about reflection. Our soaps are a great way of measuring this; it's not rich people in small towns but the working class in big cities. Unlike America and the American Dream, we don't have a culture of 'everyone can be and deserves to be wealthy' and I think our TV is more balanced because of it.

I understand that the lives of the rich are more aesthetically pleasing, big houses are easier to move cameras in, watching your own 9 to 5 existence on television is hardly escapism. But I, for one, do not want these lives. They are shallow and petty. If I am ever successful in whatever career I ever end up in, I hope I spend my money more frugally, with conscience and not spending for the sake of spending. It's one thing to want a designed handbag because you like the design or even that you want it, it's another to buy it just because you can.

And if I am ever that person, feel free to rip me apart as I just did 'Sex and the City 2'.

A/N: So, that was a rant and a half! Sorry if it's stops making coherent sense about half-way through, I was in one of those moods.

Will Grayson Will Grayson - A Not-Review

2010-04-23T01:22:00.002+01:00

So it's been a while since I blogged. A long while. Since my last blog post, a lot of things have made me angry and want to blog (like election coverage about personalities over policies). And a lot of thing have made me happy and want to blog (like a sublime eleventh doctor). And even more things have made me curious about myself and want to blog (about how all my clothes now seem to come from Uni-Qlo).

But I'm glad I waited. Because now I have something to blog about which does not make me want to rant or gush or ponder. I have something to blog about that makes me want to... well, blog. And it's a good thing - I'm trying to take a leaf out of my friend Alex's book and talk about things without so much... anger. So, a positive thing it is!

I just finished 'Will Grayson Will Grayson' (not sure if there's a comma there or not, assuming not), a novel co-written by John Green and David Levithan. And I have to put some of the things I thought down on paper. I want to clarify before we start: this is not a review! Because I loved it, I really did, but me telling you I loved it is not that interesting (although, arguably, neither is this). I'm not a reviewer. My review would be short, boring and spend most of it's time trying to summarise a plot which would be lost in summary.

Instead, this is just a list of stuff I wanted to say about it. No spoilers, I still have like eight people to lend this book to, and you don't have to have read it to understand. It basically just ramblings. I would apologise for the fact that probably none of this makes sense but I think that adds charm to my blogging.

1. As someone who goes out of her way to encounter gay characters in TV/film/literature/IRL/all and any medium I can say, with some knowledge of what it looks like done poorly, that all the gay characters is this book are well-drawn, funny and complete individuals who are neither defined by their sexuality or drained of it. I think what makes these characters so great is that they have not been written with any 'cause' in mind, something which so many gay characters do in all mediums, and are not making an effort to produce flawless individuals. They are creating characters who are real and truthful, something which in the grand scheme of things is more important. The absence of this cause (and therefore the reality and humanity of their characters) is, ironically, the reason why they are so good for the 'cause' (as it were) of fair representation in culture.

2. This, more than any other book I have read in a long time, has given me that feeling... the one that I would try to describe if someone hadn't already described much better than I ever could. I hate to be pretentious and quote (though I am sure Mr Drummond is somewhere very proud) but here I go. The quote, from The History Boys is:

'The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.'
(Hearing this, incidentally, was one of those moments)

More than anything, this is a story about friendship, especially friendship when we're young. At a time when pretty soon we're all going to go our separate ways, this is particularly raw for me. I think this story accepts (something so many stories tend to ignore) that friendship is not a choice and, in other circumstances, you and your friends might never have been friends. You fall in with people; the good crowd or the bad crowd. That no matter how close you are with someone, how much you love them, no one is a perfect friend. That you hurt your friends and they hurt you: and the most important thing is that, in the end, when you've shared the most important six years of your life with someone you're going to love them regardless. Because while you might not share all the same interests, while you might all be a little self-centred like teenagers tend to be, while they might sometimes brush you off without realising, you have and do share things which are much more important. Friendship is built by a serious of shared experiences and understanding, something I've learnt by having some amazing experiences with my friends.
And that's why I cried in a library full of my friends reading 'Will Grayson Will Grayson': because it is all painfully, truthfully true.

3. This book has the balance between serious and comic just write. Every heartbreaking moment is genuinely heartbreaking and every funny moment makes you LITERALLY LOL (and I don't say that lightly). Too often books for teenagers fall into this trap of trying to be both but failing because really, the story is better at one or the other. The reason it works is because funny things and sad things run side by side. Like life, really. Things don't stop being funny because life is generally sad and things don't stop being sad because you find something funny. There are no separate 'funny' and 'sad' sections ; you're laughing with the tears still fresh on your face. And that, I think, is the sign of a really good novel.

4. This strikes me as the kind of book that would have a really awesome soundtrack. The story rises and falls like the best kind of mixed tape.

5. This book is very good at integrating technology, subtly, into the story. Not that I'm surprised because, as we all know, John Green is the king of YouTube but still... so rarely has the Internet slipped into a story so seamlessly. It also isn't used in a way which makes you think that it's the authors trying to be 'down with the kids'. It simply exists. Often it is a very important part of the story and the characters interactions and it fits together between them in a way very realistic to how it does in real life.

These are basically really random things I thought while reading and afterwards while it was still turning in my head. In fact, this book is so good I went back and read it again because I read most of it in school and somehow, when I read things in school it never feels like I read them because I am half reading, half in school, you know? (You probably don't because that makes no sense but... hey!)

I leave you with my last, glowing endorsement: half the chapters are written with no capital letters. You (may or may not) know I am a huge punctuation/grammar fan but by the end... didn't even notice. I'd go so far as to say... I liked it.

(If you're still wondering how many stars I would have given it had this been a review, then you're not reading it properly)

J.D. Salinger

2010-01-28T20:36:00.007Z

So, as I'm sure you are aware, J.D. Salinger (most famous as author of The Catcher in the Rye) died today at the age of 91. I just wanted to do a very quick and very improvised blog about the novel he is most famous for.

The reason why I think The Catcher in the Rye is such an amazing novel (and I think it is - it's my favourite and I don't care how conventionally adolescent that makes me) is because it is an uncensored look at teenage emotion. Holden swears and thinks out sex, he lies for no reason and has more angst than you can shake a stick at. But he also craves some kind, any kind of connection and wishes that he could protect others from losing the innocence he feels he has already lost.

In order to illustrate why The Catcher in the Rye had such a profound affect on me, I am going to show a few quotes which, I feel, speak directly to what I find and have found being a teenager to be like.

'I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.'
So, something you may not know about me is I lie. A lot. Not big things - I don't have a secret husband or anything. But I have, on occasion, pretended to like things other people like because they're the people around or said I've read books I haven't amoung other small things. I think the thing about being a teenager is that lying is just quite easy - easier sometimes that admitting things that really no one cares about. I mean, who cares if I haven't seen the episode of Futurama you have? Because by admitting I haven't, that is one more connection we don't share, and no one likes to feel like the only one not in on the joke.

'What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.'
This has happened to me more times than I can count. I don't know if this is specifically about being young or just being human. I think the best art of any kind is art which you think you might have created with the same set of skills - music about love just like the love you know, books which say something, even really small, which is what you've been thinking alone for so long and so a connection is created between you and the person who wrote it: shared experience. The same things we have in common with our friends.

'When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go.'
Now my friends will tell you, I'm a worrier. I worry about important stuff (exams, leaving home, general communication with normal people) and not important stuff (paying for things, ringing people's houses, offending car drivers when I take too long to cross the street). And all my worrying becomes like another person who follows me around and stops me doing anything. So it might be insignificant what I worry about but how I worry is not insignificant.

I could do this forever but I'm going to stop. Basically, this novel is my book which knocks me out. The first book I ever read which made me cry because it was saying exactly how I felt. A novel that consistently reminds me of how powerful and magically prose can be. A book which may not just be about adolesence but adulthood. And when I get there, I'll let you know.

J.D. Salinger: 1919-2010
'Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.'

Luke, Noah and Conventionality

2010-01-16T02:53:00.003Z

There is NC-17/R rated language and content in this blog. You have been warned people!

So, as you probably know I am a huge fan of the Daytime Soap couple Luke and Noah (so much in fact I posted this vlog about them). In my usual perusing of the few places in which Nuke fans can openly talk about just how obsessed they are with Nuke, I stumbled upon this question in a forum and it made me wonder a few things. The question was:

'who do you think the boy is and who is the girl in their relationship?'
(They also did not use a capital letter, so I shall not, no matter how annoying it is)

This statement offends me on several levels. The first and most obvious being that it is a symptom of a bigger problem. So many people seem to have a compulsive need to put every relationship into the conventions of heterosexuality. Luke and Noah are two men - both of them. One is not the boy, one is not the girl. They are both MEN. They have sex like two men would have sex. They kiss (sometimes). They suck cock. They wank each other off. And, I assume, so many people must watch Luke and Noah and hate to imagine that. That is why the show put them off having sex for so long, in an abhorrent move to keep those on the edge of complaining from switching over. This need speaks of a problem I have with so many Nuke fans - yes, they are a classic, romantic soap couple but they are a gay couple. You can't pretend that's not true, or assume they are an exception to some bigoted rule. If you want the romance, you have to take the reality that they have sex. When you can do that, that is genuine acceptance of the characters into the soap.

From reading slash fiction from this couple (and others), and seeing both sides of the flower and vase argument, I think it is safe to say I am qualified to make some judgements over the characters. If we're asking, not to be more crude than I already have been, who tops and who bottoms then, again, are we not trying to fit them into categories? 'Noah had a tough military upbringing, doubt his conscience would let him take it up the ass' is a vast stereotype. As is 'Luke got hot Italian blood running through his veins, he does all the work!' (These are paraphrasing of things I have seen before, not direct quotes from anywhere else). There is nothing in the show to give any indication which way round their relations may have and continue to occur, but my own interpretation is that their relationship goes through stages, and I would expect their sexual lives to move in parallel with these emotions. The fact that anyone needs all the time to put them in boxes shows a complete disregard from the subtleties and nuances of genuine relationships. Luke and Noah strive for a partnership, and I am sure that that would extend into any bedroom activities.

What makes Luke and Noah's relationship so endearing to watch is the fluidity with which those labels apply until they don't apply at all. Sometimes Luke is protecting Noah, sometimes the other way round, sometimes Luke needs to be centred, sometimes Noah does. They both make stupid decisions, both stand up for the other, both have complicated history and childhoods. That is what makes interesting and believable characters in drama, and in taking this all on, it is obvious that they defy stereotype by being a genuine partnership. That is not to say there is not some sign of co-dependance but it works both ways. This is, in fact, my answer for why woman consume and create more gay content such as slash fiction and pornography, than men. Woman are attracted to a relationship without stereotypes, where dynamics are built based on personality types and not gender, where men understand their partners emotionally and sexually. There is nothing sexier than a man realises he is more than that.

The other, equally alarming, point about this question is that is suggests that heterosexual relationships should have a dominant male and submissive female. Surely we are past the point of assuming the dynamics of relationships have or should be that way. I think to build a relationship upon roles based on gender stereotypes are intrinsically flawed, for there will always be situations in which, naturally, the roles would reverse. It is this kind of understanding of relationships that forces strong women to subdue themselves and men to hide their emotions, even when in long-term relationships. It is entirely negative for society, in the 21st Century, to still pander to inaccurate generalisations for all genders and sexuality's.

Overall, this question and the additional issues it raises plagues this subculture. Mpreg FanFiction stems from the same place - straight couples procreate, I must have this couple procreate. That is not to say there is not good mpreg fiction out there that does more than this with the sub-genre but it is where it comes from that worries me. I would like to think most people who watch Luke and Noah are more intelligent than this, and I am sure they are. If not, it's their loss. Because by trying to understand Nuke by conditions they do not fit, you miss what makes then a great couple in the first place.

I have written this in relation to Luke and Noah but the same can be said for many other gay couples on television such as McDean, Chrolli, DeRo etc.

Quotes and my Thinking Style

2009-12-16T00:46:00.000Z

So I've always wondered, when famous people are quoted, where do those quotes come from? Like when we say Napoleon said 'A throne is just a bench covered in velvet' did he just say that to someone who then wrote it down? Or was it part of a big speech about park furniture, and it that way are we taking his quote out of context?

I don't know about you guys (and I also don't know how much I have been affected by sound-bite culture, excessive television consumption and Twitter) but when I think creatively, I think in one of two ways:
1. A stream of dialogue
2. Series of very small, very direct sentences

This is an example of a stream of dialogue that comes into my brain:

1: Do you ever think about what the subject of sad love songs think?
2: There's no such thing as a sad love song.
1: Are you a moron? All love songs are sad!
2: There may be songs about lost love but isn't it better to have loved and...?
1: If you finish that sentence, I swear you are going over that wall.
2: It's a fact!
1: It's a cliché. A cliché that people in love repeat over and over to stop sad people complaining and tainting their happiness.
2: Not my fault you're sour.

This is an example of some random sentences:

She was the sensible daughter of a reputable man.

I will take this secret to my grave, because I do not know the people we were well enough anymore to ask their permission to share it.

(never said any of this was good, just putting it out there)

These are two very annoying ways of thinking because no writing, a quote or a song lyric or a poem or a line for a book can (or should) exist without a context. It makes the words hollow and weak and futile.

I am only telling you this because, I think, we live in world where people are constantly trying to create those quotes and quotable moments. And I don't know whether to embrace it or try to change myself.

Or I could give up?

Music In The Noughties

2009-11-29T20:25:00.003Z

Okay, so I lied. This is a new blog only two days after the last but not my epic Japan post. It's coming, I promise! I did find the notebook so that is a start. No, I wantedto talk a little bit about music.

So, since we are nearing the end of the Noughties, we can expect a lot of magazines/television shows/blogs to attempt to give an overview of one aspect of life during the decade (politics in the Noughties, film in the Noughties, bread in the Noughties etc.). The first one I have come across was in The Observer Music Monthly talking about music (obviously).

Now, I'm not going to complain about their Top 50 Albums list, however different mine would have looked, but do want to talk a little bit about Miranda Sawyer's piece about how music of the last decade can be described as dislocated.

It's not difficult to see what she means - for the first time since the inception of rock 'n' roll, there is no one overarching theme to describe the decade - no hippies, no punks, no new romantics. Instead, we've all split off into our own little factions and music is selling less (not only because of the Internet and piracy) but also because the appeal is much diluted. In the past, you were either making mainstream music or you weren't. Now, you only have to go on iTunes to see just how many genres exist in our new modern world.

This has created a new culture, too, of the rejection of labels. No one would ever say 'I'm a punk.' or even 'I like RnB.' In fact, if you ask most people about their music taste you will get an answer somewhere in the region of 'I like everything' or 'a little bit of everything'. And often this is true - music is no longer judged by how close it is to the music you normally like but by it's own merits. I think this is a good thing.

I cannot profess to understand how it felt to be a music fan in earlier decades, but now I can honestly say that I love being a music fan right now. Not only are there new ways of experiencing this music but also less reliance on alternative press and the radio to dictact the music I like or even get to hear. I get my music from the Internet, from recommendations from friends, from articles I read in a variety of sources. The freedom this gives us allows us to discard those old, restrictive terms to define our musical taste and lets us explore more music than has ever been availible to us.

Not only new music, but old music has opened up to us. We are the first generation with a rich history of music behind us, which no one is afraid or ashamed to dip into. We also are the first generation whose parents have instilled musical tastes onto us. Our parents were the rebels, the punks who listened to something different and that gives us a different cultural relationship with them than they ever had with their post-war parents. We can share their tastes, enjoy it as much as they do and appreciate music not just from our time. Again, this gives us a wider spectrum of music to dip into and enjoy, and I think also makes us better and more accepting people.

But here, again, music can divide us as it unites us. We all have a seperate music tastes, built up of completely different bands and singers, and plug into it alone. We wander around with iPods in our ears, living in our own little music-induced world. But thisdoes not mean music does not still have the power to bring us together - #musicmonday, sharing Spotify playlists, YouTube genres (like Trock or Wrock) and the power of blogs, to name a few, are just a few ways music can unite us as much as it divides us. Not only that, but technology will never diminish the power live music has over our opinions and tastes.

So even if music is disolated this decade, I would take that any day over being forcedto conform to tight genres, to be limited in musical history, to have to let go of the new ways technology makes music availible. Maybe we are disolated in everything but music will always be the strongest, uniting force known to humanity.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-27T20:34:00.002Z

Despite being English and this being the day AFTER thanksgiving, I am going to give you a list of the (top) fifty things I'n thankful for. In no particular order.

1. Johnny Durham t-shirts
2. Orange Wednesday
3. Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo Radio Show and Podcast
4. Gay characters on daytime/primetime
5. All my awesome YouTube subscriptions
6. The fact that no one (as yet and this is not an invitation) has stolen my username on any website I have tried to join
7. Awesome charities (but mainly Envision)
8. Musically inclined parents
9. My free trip to Japan
10. Great friends
11. M&S 2-for-1 offers on smoked salmon
12. A good education
13. Attractive celebrities
14. NaNoWriMo and the people that run it
15. Harry Potter and affiliated products
16. My MacBook
17. My cat
18. The awesome people who designed the awesome things I have decorated my wall with
19. Student discounts
20. Live music
21. My Hello Kitty bottle of water with boobs (and the existence of such boob water)
22. 4od and iPlayer
23. Twitter and the people who use it properly
24. Free software
25. Independant record shops
26. Muji stationary
27. Moleskin notebooks
28. Investigative journalism
29. My impending ability to vote
30. The fact that I have never had a story good enough to send into FML
31. PostSecret Sundays
32. Wikipedia and it's committed editors
33. Spell Check
34. Homework extensions
35. Ikea furniture
36. York Notes Advanced
37. The Peanuts cartoons
38. Amazon quick delivery
39. An unflooded home
40. Electricity
41. Friends re-runs
42. Free periods
43. Charity book shops
44. YumBoxes
45. New Overground trains
46. My lovely bed
47. Google Maps
48. My mum's secret Cherry Drop stash
49. Cheap box-sets
50. Firefox

So, there you have it. Top fifty things I am thankful for. Next blog WILL be my belated Japan Tweets, just as soon as I find the notebook I wrote them in...

xXx

A Letter To My NaNoWriMo Protagonist

2009-10-16T22:54:00.003+01:00

Dear Julian,

So, this is weird. You've been in my head for a long time - fully formed and raring to go. And I've been keeping you in, just waiting for the next month to start. But you're here now (almost), it's almost time to let you out so I thought I'd say hi. I know you're ready, and I can only hope I am too. I do not want to let you down or the story I know you have in you by, I don't know, losing the plot as it were (that was a bad joke, get used to them, they'll be following you around for all of November).

Because other than knowing you and your brother and a few ideas about general happenings, I have no idea how this is going to go; who you're going to meet, what food you want to eat, if you'll cry or even if you'll get out of this alive. Sorry, that makes it seem like you are completely in my hands but really, it's the other way round. I need you to let me know what you want, where you go, who you love and whether this ends well for you. Because until I meet you on November first, I am just as clueless about your life as I am about my own.

Because then, when I pick up my MacBook for what I'm sure will be the hundredth time that day, open TextEdit and make the document, I will finally get inside your head and understand you. And I'm so excited to finally meet you. I just know you'll be one of the best I ever write, best I ever meet even, because you are already three dimensional up here in my mind before you've even got a plot or friends to interact with. So you must be pretty charismatic.

The reason I love NaNoWriMo so much is because this month, your life and my life will merge and even the times I'm not with you, I'll still be thinking about you. It'll be a little bit like you're my husband, only it'll only last thirty days and you only exist in words. I hope we have a good time regardless of whether we win. We're in this together and it'll only work if we get on. So try not to be over complicated or do things out of character I then have to delete or get lost in a plot hole I have to work you out of. Just be yourself - no pressure. But let me know if I'm going wrong. Yell or scream or just hit a dead end. Anything.

I know you can't reply. I mean, you can but it'll really just be me and so... you can't. And also, if you were real and got this you'd be thinking you'd lost your mind. But just so you know, it's really helped me to write to you. I feel like it's really beginning and I'm nervous because, unlike last time, I know what I'm getting into; and I just want it to be as intense and wonderful as last year. So it's important to me that you're on my side in making this work.

I hope you're excited about this like I am. Japan means I won't be able to plan the way I want to, or might have done. And it also means the first chapter of your great American escapade will be tainted with jet-lag and the smell of a days worth of travel. But it'll be good - I promise! Or at least, I promise I believe that it will be.

So, by the end of the first of November I'll have given you a road-map, a car and a lot of emotional baggage. What we do with it is up to you.

Lots of love and lots of luck,
Grace
Your Writer

PS. I write much better when it's fiction. Promise!

If you want to know more about Julian or my novel, just comment or @ me. Or you can wait til it's over.

My Father and Books

2009-10-08T23:24:00.002+01:00

Sorry it's been so long since I've blogged - sometimes I'm in the place and sometimes I'm not!

Felt like a lot of significant things have changed over the last year and a couple of things have crept up on me which are serious wake-up calls to just how close I am to being a fully functional human being.

The first is, obviously, UCAS. UCAS is not only scary because of the ever present possibility of me not getting in anywhere and having to take an enforced gap year, but because of all the other things that go along with applying to university. This time next year (hopefully) I will be living alone - and more scary than plans for university are plans for money, travel, things I need to bring, things I need to buy, general skills I can see I am lacking...

But that's not even the scariest thing. More recently, the relationship with my parents has changed slightly. I am an only child, meaning in general I have no choice but be relatively close to my parents. We live in a small but perfectly formed flat, but as with all families, we tend to trip over each other as much as we sit in mutual contentment.

I think the scariest thing is how, gradually, the relationship I have (and I'm going to be specific about my dad not because I love him more but simply he reads more and listens to music) with my dad has been more equal. This month I have reccommeneded my dad two books: 'The Mysteries of Pittsburgh' by Michael Chabon and 'Paper Towns' by John Green. And he's liked them both.

This may seem ridiculously small a moment to, after weeks of silence, warrant a blog post. And it's not like it's the first time my dad has valued my opinion or taking my advice over art or media of some description. But it feels a little bit like, after years of my parents essentially saturating me in culture and art that has influenced my tastes, opinions and, possibly, career ideas, I can start to pay them back.

The things my parents have opened my eyes to are some of the most valued parts of my life. Writers like Raymond Carver or Douglas Coupland, art like Peter Blake or Richard Hamilton, films like Heathers or The Royal Tenenbaums. It's not as though I never would have found these things on my own, but it means an awful lot to me that these things have come with my parents, and I can discuss them with them. It has formed a huge part of my relationship.

And now, it seems, my life has started to break away from theirs. Now I am becoming an individual person, who has interests outside of those of my parents and specifically my daily use of the Internet to find things, I can start to find gems of my own (like the two books mentioned to name but a few) and give these experiences back to my parents.

Turning this relationship into more of an exchange than a hierarchy (not that we were really ever like that, I had them wrapped around my finger) is the next stage of our relationship. We won't be living together, we won't share day to day experiences and so it is comforting to know that a relationship of cultural exchange will still exist, stronger than ever, which means we can stay close wherever I end up. I want my own life - but it's important that as many people as possible from this life can fit into that. My parents have already found their place, and that is as scary as it is heartening.

I am aware this has been happening gradually over some time - but it is just this week it hs truly hit me the implications. This time next year, whatever happens with UCAS, I'll be an adult. And being treated like one won't be a luxury but a way of life.

Incidently, if I would reccommend them to my dad I would reccommend them to anyone! You should read both/either because they truly are thoughtful, simply tales of haunting stories with characters that are both interesting and who ring true. Very different but equally wonderful.

The 'Unfortunate Event' Question

2009-08-26T00:29:00.003+01:00

I should start by saying that this blog will most probably contain Harry Potter spoilers for both the sixth and seventh book. Although I doubt many people would read a HP blog post who had not read the books, I still thought it better to warn you.

So, today I was redoing the walls in my bedroom. When I redo my walls, it involves a lot of standing on the bed, making creative decisions, cutting bits of paper: you know, general merriment. And usually I couple this with a podcast catch-up. Today, it was the Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo Film Review podcast from Radio 5 Live. This detail is only important because it is, quite simply, the best hour of radio and as someone who lives in a household saturated in 5 Live, it is the only 5 Live Show I enjoy outside of my dad's company. Basically, you should all download the podcast. You will not regret it.

Anyway, this is all off-topic. While listening through the reviews of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (which I would like to clarify was amazing, my favourite of the films so far and true enough to the book to retain the humour and the darkness), a point came up which I had noticed but was purposely avoiding dwelling on. I thought this film was magical, and therefore did not want to ruin my enjoyment of it by dwelling too much on the details (anyone who has ever watched a film with me will know I tend to dwell *quite* a lot).

The problem is in the ending. I will do this as quickly as possible: Dumbledore dying in the tower is slightly different in the book than in the film. While in both Harry is under his Invisibility Cloak and therefore unseen, in the book he had been stupefied and is thereofre unable to act in stopping Snape killing Dumbledore; whereas in the film, he simply 'chooses' not to. Of course, Dumbledore had made him promise not to and asked him to trust Snape. But still, Harry's choice to remain under the cloak is a exercise of free will. This may seem minor but it had one major effect - I did not cry.

I mean, I did. Anyone who has ever watched a film with me knows I would cry, but not at the same point I did in the book. What is so sad in the book is the frustration Harry feels about being physically unable to act. He is at one with the audience, together with us having to watch events play out of which we have no control, however much we might want to change it. As a dramatic decision, this pumps up the sadness and empathy to the max. This is mirrored in Sirius' death and the 'Black Veil' which Harry cannot cross and Cedric's, which came too quickly for any action to even be imagined by the mind of a grieving teenager. In the film, it is the score that made me cry and Fawkes (it was most certainly not Ginny's hugging of Harry considering her acting is worse than mine would have been).

This frustration about being unable to act is not a simply moment in the story, it is a theme of the books as a whole. Destiny. Harry is not in charge of anything that happens to him, anything he does; it was all meant to happen, it has been foretold in the prophecy. Although since this was not fully explored in Order Of Phoenix: The Movie, then it is no surprise this would not be considered here. But it is so important. As readers (I'll come back to film audience's in a minute), we know how much Harry feels like a fraud and always has done. Not dying at the end of the Killing Curse was not an action or proof of power but a fluke. In fact, most of Harry's 'triumphs' have, in his mind, been of luck and in fact, when he has tried to act heroically ('saving' Sirius at the Ministry), it was often backfired. Harry's free-will in this scene detracts from his destiny and raises a lot of religious questions which, frankly, the story does not warrant nor need. There are religious connotations to many HP arcs but this is not one of them.

If nothing else, this paints a very poor portrait of Dumbledore - something the films have done more than once (I am of course referring to his essential assault on Harry in GoF). Dumbledore knows Harry, maybe better than anyone, and should KNOW that Harry would want to act and, despite promising Dumbledore he wouldn't, how difficult it would be for Harry to remain in the shadows and keep his promise to his idol and mentor. To do that to a young boy whom you have just revealed a task which is essentially insurmountable is not fair, out of character and dangerous. Had Harry acted, it would have jeopardised Snape's position within the Death-Eaters as a spy and Harry's life which, if lost, would mean all knowledge of Horcruxes dying with him and any chance of peace for wizard kind. See, it is ridiculous that Dumbledore would do that.

Harry feeling like a pawn in someone else's game, and the insecurities in his own abilities that that brings, is vital to the playing out of 'The Deathly Hallows' and therefore, considering how pinnacle a moment Dumbledore's death is in this feeling, should have been explored faithfully to the story. More than anything, it makes the scene more heart-rending and gives the audience more of a chance to feel empathy for Harry who, in the films I suspect, is harder to empathise with. As a member of the audience who has not read the books (of course, here I can only speculate), I fear many feel the same as most secondary characters in the story do: that Harry is a hero, contantly saving the day. Whereas readers know he is a boy who has had a title of greatness thrust upon him before he can prove himself either way. However, it is a mistake to remove Harry's bravery in all situations (he would have acted against Snape had he been able, he is a Griffindor after all) as a shorthand for 'not as great as we think'. This is insulting to the character and the audience of non-Harry geeks who would have come to the same conclusion had Sirius' death been handled probably (but that is another blog for another time).

I can see the counter-arguments - Harry's seeming trust in Snape (as reflected in Dumbledore's trust) and choosing not to act because he thought Dumbledore was safe (which I doubt considering the words Snape was saying, their proximity to a long fall and Harry's inherent distrust of Snape) makes Snape's betrayal more poignant. Or not. Because I do not believe that Harry ever trusts Snape and, in fact, that is Snape's greatest asset to hiding within the Death Eaters. Had Harry ever trusted him, it would have suspicious for Voldemort and, if he found Harry had let him act out of belief he was good, Snape would have been dead. Fast. The betrayal Harry feels is therefore not of his own trust but of Dumbledore's, in some ways this makes him more angry with Snape and makes the betrayal *worse* because it has been done to a man wise enough to know better than to be betrayed.

Another argument that this will lead Harry to feel guilt. Well, probably not considering how much plot the next two films have but still - this 'guilt' is unnecessary. Harry has enough emotion what with no parents, the weight of the wizarding world on his shoulder, doubts in Dumbledore, doubts in himself, grief for over nine major deaths, worry for Ginny, worry for all the wizards he knows and loves, the ever present threat of Voldemort, no wand, no owl, no plan... I could go on.

Wow, this went on a long time. A lot of words to say 'what seems a small mistake is in fact a big mistake'. And, what's worse is how pointless a mistake it is: the spell would take less than 2 seconds to utter but make this world of difference. Let's hope they make less of these in the next two films - because after them, there will be no time to redeem them.

(I would like to reiterate that I loved this film despite this and other small mistakes [including Ginny's acting, lack of discussion on the Horcruxes and not enough development on the Harry-Ginny relationship to make it mean something] and will be able to watch it again without getting angry. You know, until the end.)

Musing On Me

2009-07-05T22:02:00.002+01:00

So, I've been thinking lately a lot about... stuff. I know that I said that this blog would be more issue-based. But what's the point in having a blog if you can't indulge in an emo, self-reflective, self-involved rant every now and then?

I've been thinking a lot about writing at the moment. Partly in preparation for NaNoWriMo and partly down to all this future preparation I'm being forced into at every turn. For the last few months, I've been writing a lot. FanFic, random stories, plots, scripts, even the odd feeble attempt at serious fiction. But doesn't every teenager have one of those crazy dreams of how their life's are going to pan out, and it never happens?

The problem is I am far too self-reflecting for my own good. I spend half my time trying to second guess the future me. Because a part of me never wants to look back on what I'm doing now and feel embarrassed or ashamed of what I've written and thought. But isn't that an inevitable part of life? That in the future you'll look back with part nostalgia and part... muted regret? And I think I'm so afraid of having dreams for fear that they won't come true and I'll be embarrassed to have had them. Now it's fine. Because it could happen. But when it doesn't happen, will I regret wanting it?

Then it got me thinking about what I write... how I've never written from a female perspective. Maybe because I can't separate the women of my imagination with my own consciousness. I've also never written about real experiences... maybe because they all happened so recently it'd be too raw right now?

But maybe, years from now, when there are different people in my life and the view from my window is different, I will write about now. And what will I think about it? What will other people think?

So, yeah. Just some musing. Needed to write it down to prove either way if I'm crazy or not. Haven't quite made up my mind...

London Nerdfighter Gathering 2009

2009-07-03T16:07:00.002+01:00

Okay, so this is quite a late post, and is no reflection on how awesome the day was (because it was incredibly awesome) that it took me so long to post.

If you don't know what a nerdfighter is... well, essentially the gathering was a lot of people meeting up on the Southbank in London; and all we had in common was a shared set of YouTube subscriptions and that we spend our time (in one way or another) trying to reduce world suck. For more information about Nerdfighters, search 'vlogbrothers' in YouTube and prepare to be amazed!

So, we met up. The gathering was organised by Maureen Johnson (YouTuber, nerdfighter and YA novelist) and charlieissocoollike (vlogger, fan-girl inducing, fiveawesome guy, member of Chameleon Circuit). But lots of other 'famous' YouTubers showed up (I am not putting famous in inverted commas because I was not impressed or excited, but that I get the impression most other human beings wouldn't be). In fact, one of the best moments of the day was chest bumping Tom Milsom (hexachordal) because of our shared johnnydurham19 attire. In fact, it is the first time anyone had even recognised my t-shirt as the awesome that it is.

But I digress. Firstly, we went on a hunt around London. We got into groups, got clues (handwritten by Maureen and part inspired by her novel '13 Little Blue Envelopes). There were five challenges and I ended up in the best group. We didn't win - we lost to 'the Nerimons' who, to be fair, were the famous ones and very, very quick. I like to think we were second... But we had fun and made our way back to the Southbank for a hang.

Then, we went on a walk. To see Harry Potter being filmed. At Scotland Yard. First we went to the wrong Scotland Yard... and then found it was being filmed the next day. So we went BACK to the Southbank and stayed there until it began to rain. Once it got murky enough for us to actually worry we might drown, we went in search of shelter. And, ironically, about eight people ended up soaking themselves in the fountain, inculding Maureen herself. I have footage. And it is funny.

So what was left of us (we had lost quite a large number by the time we ended up inside, some people had to leave which is sad times) we went into the Royal Festival Hall and settled down by the cloakroom. We chatted, signed stuff, watched two grown men fight for a copy of Maureen's new book and generally had fun. Then, some of us (about seven) headed off to see Julia Nunes play in Kilburn. A couple of groups of people were already on their way, and some (inculding Maureen) could no longer make it. But we set of. Singing 'Mrs. Nerimon'. Which was annoying. But nice.

Me and Charlotte, as the locals, helped plan a route. Which went wrong. About seven times. And it took forever. And ever. And I'm sure put some of our number of the Tube forever. But we got there - and didn't even miss a single support act. And they were all amazing. By the time Julia was on, our number were by the front, and she was awesome. As was Greg. And Laura. We were all singing along, to the point where Julia was singing the refrain to her own song because we wouldn't stop. And then we got sweaty hugs and signatures.

And then it was hometime. Sadly. I had a great day. It was nice to see how many people came from so many different places, and how quickly we all got on. There was little division and everyone wanted to know everyone else. And that... camaraderie is such a big part of nerdfighteria that, before now, I had never experienced first hand.

So, I wanna thank Charlotte, Pippa, Don, Cara, Julia, Greg, Laura, Abz, the yellow umbrella, that puppet thing, Tom Milsom, Charlie, TFL (I say with scarcasm), Tobias, Ana and everyone else who was there who I didn't speak to directly and those I forgot the mention.

Because I had a great day. And I hope you all did too.

Yes, I'm Blogging A Poem Even Though It Is Incredibly Precocious

2009-06-05T22:43:00.001+01:00

Speak

When you are young,
Everything you say is true;
Seeped in meaning that's
Too clever for you.

When you are older,
The words aren't yours;
When you find them buried
In your CD drawers.

When you are old,
Everything you say is true;
But bloated with experience,
Who will listen to you?

My Big Big Brother Rant In The Form Of An Open Letter

2009-06-05T14:59:00.002+01:00

Dear Channel 4,

Now, to start off, this is not a rant that is anti-Big Brother. I don't hate Big Brother. There have been years where I have followed it, enjoyed it even. I see the appeal - laughing at stupidity, picking sides in arguments, water-cooler moments; and all the better because it's not fictional. I get that. I do. My rant is about you, Channel 4.

Now, again, love Channel 4. Queer As Folk, Hollyoaks, Friends, Desperate Housewives, ER... the list of shows I would never have seen without Channel 4 goes on for a LONG time. And it is by far the channel I watch the most. Hell, I was brought up on Jon Snow on Channel 4 News as his jazzy ties and Paxman attitude. But... with Big Brother, we fall out.

I understand the Big Brother show. I understand BBLB. I can almost get with the Big Mouth programme if I pretend the concept is not instantly annoying. And, again, I do not hate Big Brother. And I love you with my whole TV watching heart. Truly. But why do you destroy your E4 schedule with constant, mind-numbing Live Coverage?!

I get that maybe you have it constantly on digital, so people can choose to plug in at any time; or constantly streaming online in case your at your desk and want to be sure nothing monumental has happened, but deep down hope it has so you can tell everyone and be the hero. But turning E4 into a constant stream is annoying on so many levels.

Even when I watch Big Brother, I detest Live Coverage. The fun is the hour-long heavily-edited segment where you don't have to watch people brushing their teeth or cooking pasta. I trust your editors to show me the best bits, and cleverly edit it to show me who I should evict. So I find it hard to believe enough people are constantly watching Live Coverage that it is worth moving my shows around on E4.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you'll reply with viewing figures that contradict me. But the shows you put out every other day of the year must have viewers. Loyal viewers, who make up the basis on which your channel exists. And you are betraying us to people who will leave you when Big Brother ends? It's not right.

I don't have Sky+ out of choice, but now, thanks to your scheduling, I am prevented from watching Gilmore Girls, Friends, Scrubs et al at the times in which I have become accustomed. In fact, I will miss weeks of Gilmore Girls episodes entirely because some of us have lives which prevent us watching at 1.30 in the afternoon!

I just thought I'd let you know one girls opinion. For me, it is sad that a channel I hold so dear to my heart is taking away my opportunity to follow a show they helped me fall in love with. And that I will have to find other ways to spend that time other than watching death-defyingly dull Live Coverage.

I don't care if Big Brother goes on indefinitely into the void of time and space: just sort out how you present it to us! Because there are so many others ways to make Live Coverage successful and accessible than ruining the enjoyment of the many who do not wish to watch it.

Grace Organ
Loyal E4 Viewer

A Blog In Defence Of Twitter

2009-04-27T17:28:00.000+01:00

A Blog In Defence of Twitter

So, I meant to write this blog a while ago but Spanish Oral Exams have been getting in the way of my blogging.

For the last couple of days/weeks/months, I have been reading/watching/generally hearing from a variety of sources a lot about how Twitter is a waste of time, a pointless exercise in self-indulgence and overall a negative internet fad. But I, as a prolific Tweeter (I think that is the word), I have a few objections to the stereotype.

I think Twitter is a brilliant website: and in some ways, the embodiment of what is so great about the Internet. Not only is it a mass of information, but it's all user generated. Of course some of it is mundane, and hardly 'useful', but that sharing of information between you and your followers is a valuable part of what make the Internet. Sharing ideas, experiences, links, opinions and culture is surely the sole purpose of the Internet - and no website does it better or more instantaneously than Twitter.

People have been calling it 'a waste of time' and 'self-indulgent' to Tweet things like 'Drinking Tea', and in some ways I agree. Although personally, I like these more personal, mundane Tweet's. It's nice to to see how other people spend their day, what other people value and I truly believe you can tell a lot about people from what they Tweet. Like all online output, and unlike real-life social interactions, you can control how you come across over Twitter, and often Tweet what you want people to hear. And I value knowing those things about my friends - what it is they would like me to know, or maybe even, what they wish they were like. For me, this is sometimes the most interesting part of someone's social-networking personality, in it's differences from their RL personalities.

As for self-indulgent, again I can only partly agree. Of course, all services in which we discuss ourselves and our opinions is slightly self-indulgent - part of believing your ideas matter or have a place in the world. But I think that is an integral part of human nature; to want to feel a part of something bigger. And that's another thing the Internet is so good at. Twitter is a way of consolidating your actions and opinions, getting feedback, hearing people feel the same or are interested in what you are doing. This has been at the heart of art for thousands of years - and I believe Twitter, and instant social-networking as a whole, comes for that instinctive place where we just want to be understood and validated.

I also think it's interesting how communities congregate over the Internet, and meet on Twitter as a kind of place to really get to know people. For example, lots of people whose username you know from comments etc. follow you and suddenly you can chat about the videos and ideas, possibly in a way you cannot with your real life friends (I say that almost as if I have first-hand experience). Having an odd obsession has never before made you feel more included than secluded than when you have a group of Twitter friends to discuss it with! Of course, I have no weird obsessions, so this is an entirely academic paragraph ;p

So, in defence of Twitter, there are those who don't understand it, or don't want it and that's fine. But there is a huge community and you can't dismiss them ALL as self-involved people with too much time on their hands. Some of us just enjoy the new, modern form of contact and hope that Twitter, in whatever form, will exist for a long time to come!

Bring on the advertisements!

And just FYI, Nuke is so good at the moment. Expect my next post to be a review of the year of Gay television so far!

Oh, and also, I won ScriptFrenzy! Badge on the side...

Record Store Day, April 18th

2009-04-18T22:40:00.003+01:00

Hello

So, I promised you more issue posts and here is the first of (hopefully) many.

After a (lovely) late-night at Alex's yesterday (and possibly a whole two weeks of late-nights catching up with me), I spent too long in bed today to go to Rough Trade to celebrate Record Store Day.

Here's the thing: Record Store Day is a commendable idea; one day in the year where people are encouraged to support the few local record stores we have left in the UK. The sad thing is that we need to create a whole day for this purpose.

Now, people who know me know I am a big fan of record stores and a big fan of CD's over music downloads. It runs in my blood - my father used to own a record shop and has instilled a passion not only for music but for music shopping into me. Nothing for me is more fun than spending a day trekking across London on my usual musical pilgrimage - Rough Trade in Portobello (my local) to Fopp in Tottenham Court Road and then Rough Trade East (on Brick Lane) before home.

But now, independent music stores are few and far between. I, personally, prefer physical CD's. I like the way they feel in your hand, flicking through the sleeve notes the band have designed for you, looking at the cover art and putting it in a rack surrounded by other different CD's. It's like books - for me, I will always rather have a real book than a e-book: I just like the feel. I also want to buy LP's - so much thought has gone into the songs production and order, that to listen to everything in single tracks does no justice to that effort or the music itself. But I understand that everything evolves - and that, at some point, my love for CD's will be a niche market and I will have to seek them out.

But there is the one thing that annoys me about Record Store Day: that people who will partake in it will feel like they've done a good deed shopping in an independent record shop for a day. If you love them so much, if you don't want to see them disappear, you have to use them!

I don't begrudge music stores Record Store Day - it's good PR and, unfortunately, they need to do it. I just wish they didn't!

It kind of brings me onto to illegal downloads: something else which annoys me. Now, it is not to say all of my music comes from CD's I have bought. Me and my dad are huge believers in 'sharing' music; not in a 'Pirate Bay' way, but in a 'I buy a CD I think you'll like so I burn it for you' way. Since popular music began, there has been copying and sharing. But now, the music that is being shared has come from illegal means and the musicians make nothing.

I love music, and I love music stores, and I want to give them as much money as I possibly can so they can keep providing me with something which has and will bring me endless enjoyment. Why are people so awful about giving money to things they enjoy?

It's the same way I feel about people complaining about YouTube re-designs, or Twitter advertising. If you want something, you have to accept that they have to make money to produce it. And, somewhere along the line, you have to compromise.

In one way, it's a shame I missed out on Record Store Day. But in another, everyday is Record Store Day for me. And it won't be a year before I end up in one again.

(Again, this is just a rant. It's not that I have NO illegally downloaded music, but that it is a tiny percentage. And that I don't want to see Record Stores die out when they have such a rich history and so much to give to the industry that the Internet will never be able to provide)

No post since January?!

2009-04-17T16:39:00.001+01:00

I've been a bad blogger, I know. No updates for months? I could say I'd been very busy (which would be true) but it is no excuse for radio silence.

Quick catch-up on my life:
NEW YORK WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER.
I turned 17: and feel exactly the same as I did before. Here's hoping 18 brings some come of severe emotional change.
My grandma died: went to Scotland for the funeral etc. but to be honest, it's still all a bit of a blur.
Had a couple of school trips: a day of Hardy, Spanish Civil War lecture (where we managed to witness some historical beef) and a day at Cambridge (which comforted and freaked me out in equal measure)
This month is Script-Frenzy: the scripting equivalent of NaNoWriMo. Already finished my 100-word screenplay and it's not bad!
I've been living by Lost recently - it has taken over my life! I am completely addicted, and in some ways, pleased it's got an end-date because now, things are getting interesting!
Back to writing TBLAJ - the novel I wanted to write in NEW YOKR but NEW YORK was so amazing, I had no time. But I'm really enjoying writing it - I may blog about it at some point. You know, if I ever get around to starting it proper.
Bought a JohnnyDurham t-shirt: one of only 120. Was a very exciting day it came in the post and I love it! And my blob. (JohnnyDurham is a YouTuber for those who don't know, he is way cool: check him out!)
John Green's (vlogbrothers, more YouTubers, are also very cool) news that his new book is only available through ThisIsNotTom (online riddle game, to put it mildly!) has re-sparked my interest in the site. I'm still not clever enough to solve the riddles... thank God for spoilers!
I got Dailybooth - a website where you take a picture of yourself every day. Check me out! http://dailybooth.com/giantlawnmower

So, yeah, stuff been happening which has kind of taken over from blogging. Got exams in April/May/June so, may be a while before I'm in a swing again. However, I can feel a couple of blogs about STUFF rather than my own (boring) life coming up so be warned!

GAY UPDATE: You'd think after months of silence, there'd be loads to say. And there's a bit to say. NUKE wins these few months hands down! I have really been enjoying it recently: there have been no break-ups, more kissing, more character development, better acting (if that was possible) and now they're all tied up! Dislike the twins, but then I'm supposed to so... excited for the next few weeks of Damian et al. HollyOaks has nothing (sad times) and it was a sad day when John Paul and Craig left the Gays Of Daytime banner: they will be missed. Ollian... step up a gear! I mean, they're still a couple, still cute but they need their own story-line. And soon! There's a serious drought over here! New Dutch story-line hasn't started yet, but I think it should be good. At I've been neglecting Brothers and Sisters but there has been little Kevin + Scotty action. Jason Lewis' return this week sets to change that...

Yeah, so the idea is, this blog is going to be less about me and more about stuff in the coming months. So... see you when I have some ideas!

Obama

2009-01-24T22:57:00.002Z

So, every blogger in the land has made a bog about the inauguration so I feel it's best if I do the same.

Now, clearly, I am not American. And yet the emotional response I had to Obama's speech as well as the whole occasion was far more than I have ever felt at any British general election (although I can see myself getting teary about voting for the first time). For one thing, he said all the things the world has been waiting for him to say. That things will get bad. It takes time for change. That he understands the sanctity of the office he now holds.

He said things I was very pleased to hear him say, not least his nod to non-believers and to the advancement of science. His knocks at the Bush administration's loss of morals in their war against terror. But he mentioned things that he knew the American people needed to hear: that they will be back on top, rule the world once again. And while the whole world watched his speech, it was clearly written for the American people.

I think it is commendable that he did not sugar-coat anything, pretend things would be easy or quick or cheap. But rather, tell the truth about the struggle he and the American people are undertaking, setting a standard of honesty for his campaign. And inspire, something he proved he is very good at during his campaign, to be a part of the process in order to feel the greatest achievement when America reaches it's goal as one.

From a more personal perspective, Obama will in my mind always be the first American President who I understood and believed in. I was far too young when Clinton was President to truly understand the office or his place within it. And, while my political understanding has grown while Bush has been in government, I have never felt he was someone I trusted with that level of power, nor did I agree with many of his policies.

So Obama for me is important in restoring my faith in America, and politics as a whole, because he is the first campaign I have hoped for and been a part of in any small way I could be. And so many people feel the same. Because it is not only what he represents in terms of his race which is so important, but what he represents in terms of the momentum behind him. Of the people who look to him to make the change they believe he can make; people who will not give up on him for as long as he leads.

Good luck, President Obama. You changed things before you even took the oath: let's hope you can continue the trend!

A few things...

2009-01-24T22:36:00.003Z

Feel I have been slightly neglecting this blog, and since the excitment of Nuke having sex has passed I might do a normal post with no mention of them. Was planning to save this kind of post for the end of the month, but seeing Milk on Monday and will probably post a review on that...

So hello, hope all is well since NFHS-Day (a term everyone was using by the end and I like to think I coined) as it has been with me. Since being back at school, everything has been good. I feels like I have been in Year 12 for far more than a term but already, with exams looming, I can feel the time speeding up. I am planning to apply for a week's intense history learning at Eton in the summer and they already want university choices... ARGH! Got a few prospectus' which will hopefully help...

Everyone went out for Alex's birthday, which was lovely. The boys had a very alpha-male eating contest by each eating over 2 pizzas while we all watched in a mix of disgust and awe. But had a lovely time none the less... Happy birthday Alex! Saw Slumdog Millionaire with my parents and Nick, and really enjoyed it! It was vivid, emotional, sensational but without being melodramatic. Loved it, and has re-affirmed my love for Danny Boyle.

*checking iCal for what else I have been doing* Went to a meeting about my trip to New York with school in February and am now more excited than ever. Have started a new story (novel?) which will be partly set in New York. Plan to fill a notebook with description while I'm there... everything looks so amazing! Especially the opening night at an Awesome 80s Prom Show... cheesy but more American than I know what to do with! In fact, my February plans are coming together very well, because on my birthday, I have bought tickets to a folk festival playing at Union Chapel with Johnny Flynn, Laura Marling and Jeffrey Lewis! So excited... :)

And... LOST returned! It has been the first time in a long time I have physically gasped at television and honestly, although only LOST could get away with saying some of the lines they say, I am loving it. Even just for the line:
'I thought Sayid was your friend'
'He is. He just has this double life where he does ninja moves and spy stuff.'

Went to a quiz at the Welsh school Thursday with Charlotte, Emma and Gentiana which was fun, even if we came joint last. When the first film question was about Milk, it was quite jokes. And yesterday went out for Karimah's birthday... although her gift is to come (from New York) it was a lovely meal, and I cannot believe she is going to be 17!! Happy birthday Karimah :)

I know you're looking for the GAY UPDATE but... with NUKE clearly ahead due to the afterglue of their love-making, and Olli still away, and the Kris/Ravi/Nancy love triangle so dull, and no Scotty in Brothers and Sisters... there is very little to say. Hopefully Nuke this week... althought I haven't heard anything :(

So, just one more thing. My Envision project, homophobiaaware, is starting to take shape. We need a website, which will hopefully come quite soon, but we do have a blog: http://www.homophobiaaware.blogspot.com/
Visit, comment, bookmark and expect updates as early as next week with some more detailed plans for our campaign!

And no, I haven't forgotten about Obama. He gets his own post...

xXx

Getting what you wish for!

2009-01-12T21:56:00.007Z

So, exactly a week since I posted my 2009 wish-list, and my second wish for the year has been granted. Luke and Noah, the sexiest couple in American soap opera As The World Turns, finally had sex.

This may not seem like a big step, so if you don't know, here is a brief back-story. Noah joined the soap last summer, a love interest for the long-standing but newly-out Luke Synder. He struggled to hide his feelings but failed: and his and Luke's first kiss has been watched over a million times on YouTube. After two kisses they stopped kissing for over 200 days: and the cock-blocking began.

There has been self-hate, denial, girlfriends, paralysis, Green-Card marriage's, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', farmhouse rules, ex-crushes, step-grandfathers with inappropriate crushes and conversations about meat (if you know what I mean). The kiss clock has been ended, with those back on a regular basis, but then the fans started asking why they were the only couple on the show not to be having sex. Everyone's doing it: the underage, the elderly, the married (and not to their spouses in most cases). In total, it's been over 500 days since they meet until they had sex. And, as we know, that day was today.

But with all that waiting, you may ask why I kept watching? Well, that's simple. I love them. Now, anyone who knows me will know I am a McDeaner to the end. But Luke and Noah are different. Similarly to the great QaF debate, Nuke are a far more American story: focusing around a love of family, of commitment and companionship over the immediate need to feed your hormones. And, as frustrating as waiting for them has been, you have to admire the show for trying to draw their gay couple away from the stereotype that homesexuality is all about sexual desire: a very damaging assumption and one the soap should be proud of denying in it's ground-breaking storyline.

What I love about Nuke is what I love about today's episode. They argue, and they make up. They have a support network, who recognise how much they love each other. They are friends as much as they are in love. They kiss and you believe it. They have issues that don't disapear when it's convienent for the writers. Van Hansis and Jake Silbermann are two actors completely at ease with the roles and with a genuine talent. Even when the writing is stale, the acting is witty and engaging. It's a show unafraid of happy endings, or of sad ones, and keeps enough element of melodrama without (most of the time) slipping into the absurd. I honestly believe this is in part to the actors and the fans, some of the most vocal in the fandom community.

There are things that are missing in these clips as in Nuke as a whole: a decent storyline, for one, and a lack on on-screen bedtime antics is another. They need to move in together, and start doing this on a regular basis. But I honestly believe that is to come: the show has consistently proved me wrong when it comes to how far they will go, and the first time they give us what we want is always the tamest. I think things will heat up...

And here it is, in all it's glory:

Overall, what is so beautiful about Luke and Noah is the fairytale element that American shows seem to love to add to the equation. Now normally, cynical as I am, I brush this under the carpet as them being afraid to tell an honest story. But, in reality, I believe it is more daring. Rather than making this a modern story, pushing the boundaries, it is a soap storyline before anything else: with all the melodramas and repressions that go with that. And in doing that, they capture not only the magic of the characters but the magic of the genre.

So, to summarise, Happy Nuke-finally-had-sex Day everyone! I can honestly say it was worth waiting for! Who'll join my campaign to make it a national holiday??

xXx

My 2009 Wish-List

2009-01-05T22:36:00.004Z

So, I'm not doing resolutions this year: mainly because I'd rather decide things I want to do as and when them come to me rather than struggle to come up with some now, and also because I never meet them!

So, instead, I'm going to write a wish-list. Not just for my year but for media, politics and 2009 in general.

- I'd like the Supreme Court judgments on the same-sex marriages which took place in California before Prop 8 passed to again rule the ban unconstitutional, and over-rule Prop 8. If not, by the end of the year, I would like it to have been revoked in some other way, in any shape or form necessary.

- I'd like Luke and Noah to have sex. This may seem trivial, and shallow, but in reality I honestly think a teen gay couple having sex on daytime American television is a step which we should all support if the country is going to catch up with Europe in terms of tolerance in society and the law.

- I'd like Barack Obama to have a successful first year. Not only because it is an important year politically for the States, but because with all the pressure on him to make radical change, it would be a shame for him to loss that momentum before he has really had the chance to begin.

- I'd like David Tennant's final Doctor Who episode's to be entertaining and memorable. I really hope that the last, not only David Tennant but Russell T Davies episodes, will stand out in my mind as some of the best. I would feel better about saying goodbye if they went out in style.

- I would like to complete ScriptFrenzy and NaNoWriMo for a second year. I found NaNoWriMo, whatever the product, a very rewarding experience and it certainly made me question what I most enjoy in terms of what to do with my life. Before I become merchanary about writing, I would like to have two more months of pure, unadulterated creativity.

- I would like to see some of the bands we have been enjoying for nearly two years to enjoy to success they are predicted. Here, I am talking about White Lies, Nick Harrison, Mumford and Sons, Florence and the Machine etc. who are pipped as this years big bands (while we've known about them for ages!) They deserve all the success coming their way.

- I would like to get the grades in my AS exams I need to have the widest possible choice of Universities and would like to make sensible choices about them. My greatest fear is going somewhere and not enjoying it, so it's a summer of research I think. And some vague career idea (not plan, just idea) would be helpful with that...

- I would like to see some serious progress in countries who have faced the hardest 2008's: for example, Palestine and Zimbabwe.

- I would like to have a fruitful time in New York - of course, I'm going to enjoy it, but I feel like wasting the spare hours in the city (like I'm going to sleep!) would be a missed opportunity and would like a project. More writing maybe? But what?

- I would like to read newspapers on a more regular basis than I do. I read them on a very random basis, and am very selective on what I read, and feel it is becoming increasingly necessary for me to understand. If everything goes according to plan, we should be voting in the next election and I would hate to be mis-informed.

- I would like to have a summer of working to earn money, and reading. I feel I have not read enough novels in 2008, and would really like to get some solid reading down in 2009.

- I would like a film which everyone agrees is the Best Picture of the year to win the Oscar. There is no need to go for an outsider Academy - sometimes the best film is the one we all love too!

- And, possibly the most out-there, I would really like to film whatever I write in ScriptFrenzy this year. I have a couple of ideas, and I think they would not be that difficult to film, and I think it would be something lovely to look back on and work on with my friends.

So, this is what I would like to see. How many will happen? I don't know. I'm not going to go out of my way to see these things happen above my own sanity, but they are things I hope we would all love to see!

xXx

The new Doctor Who...

2009-01-03T21:12:00.010Z

So, the wait is over. Here is an interview with Matt Smith, the new Doctor Who.

I heard on the radio he was a possibility this morning, but have never seen him in anything to have a firm judgment. But, just from the interview above, there are a few things I decided.
- He has a really great look. Unconventional but in mystical way. That's a good thing, even if it doesn't sound like it.
- He is obviously a very normal, nice guy and think definitely down to Earth enough to survive the pressure.
- He is going to be a very different Doctor from David Tennant, and that is exactly what we need. Someone trying to be Tennant will just be a pale imitation. So I'm glad they went for someone different.
- His age will make for really interesting dynamics: maybe his companion will look much older, and his age may make people less likely to trust him.
- Everyone is really enthusiastic about him and the new series. And that is only going to make for a great series.

So, overall, I think it will take seeing him in action before I can make up my mind fully. But so far, I am quite excited to see where it goes! In fact, now I am more excited about Matt Smith than sad about David Tennant. I guess that's what they were hoping for when they announced him.
Good luck Matt! You have most of us on your side...
xXx

Christmas & New Year

2009-01-02T21:52:00.003Z

Hello, hope you had a Merry Christmas and that you're enjoying 2009 so far. I've got to be honest, so far, it feels very similar to 2008!

So I had a lovely Christmas. Just me and my parents with lovely food, surprisingly good TV (I watched a lot of Christmas specials) and some lovely gifts. 'Santa' got me a cushion, a Banksy print, a calendar, a Russell Howard DVD (in which you can see our faces over and over again) among many other things. Charlotte got me a pop-up toaster (I love it, but where shall it live?) and a lovely Julian Opie style print of me, Charlotte and Emma which is totally getting framed! Emma got me a money-box, Karimah gave me Amazon vouchers and I got a lovely bag from my mum's friend Elaine (among many others!).

Loved Doctor Who, loved Gavin and Stacey, loved The Royle Family... in fact, every Christmas special I watched I liked (it was a classic Midsummer Murders). So once the festivities were over, I did absolutely nothing for several days. Saw Charlotte a lot after that: we watched Moonlight all the way through the night until 6:15 in the morning, went to the Royal Festival Hall and saw people waltzing to Harry Potter themes and watched Religulous at Alex's.

New Year's Eve was equally jokes, we saw Emma and had THE BIGGEST BREAKFAST EVER in Jack's. Then I spent the rest of the night at Charlotte's chatting, drinking champagne, iChatting and listening to Charlotte's brother talk about the amateur fireworks display happening outside (There's a guy with no education setting off fireworks outside! He owns a chip shop, he can handle stuff!) So all in all, a very good night.

New Year's Day was equally joyous: went over to Acton to see Keith and his family, Ilo is so big and so sweet I thought I might steal him. Had a nice meal and got my usual speech from Keith about how much he loves me and my parents. Lovely. And Rana gave my a lovely bangle I'm sure I'll be wearing all year long! So this is quite short because I'm saving the space for the mega edition of...

GAY UPDATE: Why so epic? I'll be passing judgment on all my programmes from this year (I know, more important than the Oscars this). But first... it's easy to give the Christmas prize, but I think it would have won even with competition. As the only thing airing, NUKE wins. I have really enjoyed these episodes: shamelessly romantic, dramatic and setting up for what should be a very interesting start to the year. Fixed and broke my heart in consecutive weeks. I enjoyed HollyOaks but unfortunately, not because of any gay content: and until Olli comes back Ollian will not be winning.

So let's start with Ollian. It was a late edition to my repertoire, but valued none the less. The great thing about Ollian is not even the epic scenes, as heart-rending as the kisses and arguments are, but the subtle things that set them up as such a strong and loving couple even when they are not the main focus. And for that, they are clearly the best representation of gay reltionships I have seen this year.

Nuke... *sigh*. There are so many reasons why I should hate it: the unrealistic stories, the cock-blocking, the lack of physical contact but... when Nuke is good, it is up there. I admire them for taking Luke and Noah in a different direction: they're in love, it's not all about sex. And as much as it frustrates me, I am still completely hooked. Maybe it's the acting or maybe it's the characters. Either way, I'm not giving up and for me, they have the highest expectations for 2009.

Torchwood is probably my favourite BBC program of the year, and there have been many. For me, it is good in it more than just the relationship between Jack and Ianto, as much as I love them both as individual characters and a couple. It's a show about so many things: love, humanity, leadership, greed. For that, it is certainly best all-round show of 2008; hope a change of format in 2009 will not change that.

Roman and Deniz... when they are together there is such chemistry, and splitting them up was clearly a mistake. But one no one seems to be rushing to fix so for that, they are simply the best almost couple of the year. A shame what could have been so good was not allowed to develop...

Brothers and Sisters has had a good year: I liked Jason, love Scotty and am so proud of their marriage. For one thing, it gives all those Prop 8 supporters something to think about, and for that I think the deserve best statement of the year. Nora's speech made me cry and they're the most functioning couple in the show!

I have made my thoughts on QaF clear, and while it may not be this year in real time it is in mine, and I am the first to admit I was wrong. QaFUSA is good: Brian and Justin up there amoung my favourites, and while Micheal will never be Vince, I can accept the change.

So, the overall winner? It wasn't to be anything else. HOLLYOAKS wins, for so many reasons. I had been waiting for a year for the Sunset Ending, and while it was rushed, I think it did the characters justice. And the hole John Paul has left in the soap for me is frightening! They are the perfect couple for me, in their imperfections and flaws they honestly love each other. Whatever insecurities, whatever problems there is love. And the speed of the Sunset Ending was a testament to that: nothing else matters. It was an end of an era for me and so many others: not only saying good bye to the couple and amazingly talented actors but to Bryan Kirkwood who has truly regenerated the soap into something I am proud to call myself a fan of. It's light when it needs to be, serious when it needs to be and has given the internet the best gay couple in the land. For that, I thank everyone involved. And promise, with BlogSpot as my witness, I will never stop loving John Paul & Craig, and never stop believing in their happy live in Dublin. Forever may it last.

So, that's it. But tomorrow I will be posting another not real post about my thoughts on... THE NEW DOCTOR WHO! The announcment is being made at 17:35 GMT, so expect a verdict at around 18:00. Hope to see you then...

xXx

This is not a real post.

2008-12-27T00:33:00.005Z

On reading over my last post, I realised there was a fundamental moment I missed out: Project For Awsome!
For those who don't know, Hank and John Green (vlogbrothers) for the second year have organised P4A with the aim of users taking over YouTube by making videos about there favourite charities and getting them into the most discussed list etc. Me, Charlotte & Emma made this effort. Comment, rate and favourite people!:

I am very proud of it: not only because it is part of an amazing Project but because we got a lot of comments and ratings, especially for a user with no subscribers and no prior experience of making videos!

Please go to www.envision.org.uk
They do amazing work.
Also (and I will keep you up to date), our project centres around reducing homophobia in our school, and we have our own e-mail address: homophobia.aware@googlemail.com
Please, contact us if you have any ideas or comments. Thanks and DFTBA!

xXx

I'm sorry.

2008-12-23T01:36:00.003Z

Sorry to put a downer on what is normally a mainly happy blog but there is something that I have to get off my chest. I was YouTubing (as you do at 1.37 in the morning) and came across some 'Yes On Prop 8' trails that aired before the vote in November. For those of you just passing through who do not know what Prop 8 is, it was on the ballot in California and voting Yes meant taking away the right for same-sex couples to get married which had been granted by the Supreme Court not even a year before.

Of course, both sides of the campaign went at it: with endorsements and donations coming from all over the place. And despite this years election been historical and tolerant in so many ways, it is sad to know this passed at the same beautiful moment in history. I find it sad that for so many the victory was tarnished.

So, back to these trails. They honestly have to be seen to be believed. Let's take the first one:

Now normally I would not even want to link to this, but it really has to be seen to be believed.
Let's take this point by point:
'And because the Supreme Court has made same-sex marriage a fundamental right...' No mate, it was always a right. Simply one people were not granted.
'... legal defenses based on religious freedoms are less likely to succeed.' If your religion is your only defense, that is no defense. And not one the Supreme Court would have ever looked kindly upon.
'Those who oppose same-sex marriage on religious grounds will be increasingly labelled as intolerant...' As opposed to tolerant? I am not sure of your definition but in my mind, you are intolerant if you deny someone a basic human right based upon who they fall in love with.
'Children will be taught that same-sex marriages are the equal of same-sex marriages' And that is bad why? Oh, right. You don't want your kids to grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable. But your not intolerant. No, you are protecting your rights to pass on rubbish to your children...
'Could narrow personal liberties... like photographers who would prefer not to photograph gay weddings...' Well, we would not want to narrow personal liberties. God, people who have had their rights suppressed for centuries just do not understand not being given basic rights (!)
The last point about America being based upon religious freedoms. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't America built on a barrier between church and state? No-one is telling you not to practise your religion, but just that the laws within your religion should not be imposed upon an entire country.
Apparently, those who voted No On Prop 8 were intolerant of people's religious freedoms. If only these people could understand intolerance, if only they had had fundamental rights taken away.
The things I didn't mention? The church marriage services? The adoption agencies? The teaching in schools? I'm not mentioning those because they are right? There is no moral argument? No, I am not mentioning them because they are not covered by Proposition 8.
Prop 8 had no bearing on the rights of private businesses to refuse work or the Church to practice by it's own laws: it's only change would have been to allow anyone in a committed relationship to marry by the law of the country.

Now, the ballot has passed (based on far more lies than I could show you in one post, take a look through the related videos and see for yourself) but the battle is not over. No On Prop 8 is a campaign that lives on, and many of those whose marriages were denied by their state in November are taking the decision back to the Supreme Court. There is hope: and while I am not of the age of the geography to make the difference I would like, I hope my small rant has at least shown that there are people everywhere outraged by Prop 8, and who are supporting those who fight against in every way they can.

Now, something to cheer you up:

Ah, there is hope!

xXx

Well...

2008-12-22T17:55:00.004Z

I'm doing this now with the foresight to see a Christmas/New Year post might be more appealing. Besides, I've been watching more QaFUSA and I want to officially add it to the Gay Update (drum roll not inculded).

(Checking iCal to see what I have been doing...) Ah, yes. Been quite busy actually. So, I chaired a couple of debates between Hampstead and QPCS on the first Friday of December which was quite fun. Enjoyed being in authority (and we won two out of three as well, which is not bad). Then spent that night at Emma's having our belated-and-we're-not-even-American Thanksgiving dinner, which is essentially an excuse to eat a Roast dinner. And it was almost perfect (if a bit cold) and expect them to be up on my Flickr tonight. Very funny night, I even used the candle my teacher gave me...

Went to see Licotine the next day, and they were very good. The more I see them the more they start to look like a band: and I like how many times we've seen them. We can really see how they've matured. And we saw Charlie, which was lovely.

Then the next Thursday we went to Cambridge on a school trip which was AMAZING. Beautiful place to live and giving out the free Prospectus' really helped. It wa scary though, to think this time next year I will have applied to universities. Well, that's a lovely Christmas thought.

Stayed at Alex's for our kind of Christmas meal with Karimah, me, Charlotte, Ed and Charlie. Watched Peep Show and ate food for the first half, and the addition of Charlie did change our conversation slightly. Charlotte's Tweet perfectly described it: 'Gone from dicussing porn to Tesco to Post Offices to economics to Boris Johnson to America to Obama to religion, very interesting'. Lovely evening, even if I didn't get to sleep to 5!

Cerificate Evening on Tuesday was actually a really nice night. Got my GCSEs, which feels a lot less scary than I always imagined, and I did not trip even in my immense (!) heels. Nice to see everyone (Jim, Charlie again, Jack...) and the Year Book is hilarious! Wish more people from Y had been there though...

And, last but by no stretch of the imagination least, TWILIGHT! Well a packed cinema (literally) and a fight for seats later... it was not bad. I mean, some of it was. The skin shining, the scene on the bed and the ending felt a bit like it did in the book; anticlimatic. But some of it was very good: they had the humour, both family dynamics and the style sort of worked. So... better than I would have betted on.

GAY UPDATE: You know you've been waiting for it. And again, very little to say. Ollian has been even quieter and I get the impression it'll take more than Jo Weil's return to give them a storyline. And Hollyoaks is virtually out of the picture now (until the Ravi reveal *yawn*) unless Spike returns. BROTHERS AND SISTERSwas amazing... very sweet Kevin and Scotty scenes with dialouge and family connections that let it win! But I am not giving up on Nuke... and I have a feeling it'll win over this Christmas period (considering it is the only thing airing, it shouldn't be so hard). Very sweet scenes coming up, and Brian and Luke are being given the right scenes for the first time. And QaFUSA is amazing! I love it, despite the poor quality of the video. The scenes which are identical to QAF are hard to watch, because they are not as good, but the ones that are different are truly moving. Thinking about it, current spoilers of ATWT suggest it may win!

So, merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

xXx

Queer As Folk

2008-12-10T00:41:00.003Z

Really should be writing my Hardy essay now considering it's 23:17 but I'm not. Instead, I am pondering something I vowed never to ponder. Queer As Folk USA box-set or terrible quality downloads?

The question is, of course, not the format but the principle. I mean, I have slated QAFUSA in many a rant about it's complete disregard for it's source material, excess sex scenes and stylised nature. QAF is an amazing document of love between a man and a sex addict who does not fancy the man. And for so long that was the only story that made sense to me in this world. But now, from watched a few small clips I have realised something. This is not my world.

QAFUSA does have disregard for it's source material, because it is telling a different story. This story is one of finding love (with a schoolboy) rather than seeing a love that's always been there (in spite of a teenage boy).

And it does have sex scenes. But now, I am not so sure about excess. I mean, sure, they are pretty much every other scene. The difference is, you need that because this is a different journey. These characters are moving away from it, and you need to constantly see it to understand why they need to. In QAF, you love it, they love it: they fighting to stay not to find a way to leave.

Stylised is definitely a word that would not describe QAF and does describe QAFUK. But it needs to be: it's about love and sex and hot boys wearing no clothes and shiny surfaces and is taking a new story further than QAF could have. The beauty of QAF is it has a beginning and an end: QAFUSA has a beginning and a new end, one I am far more comfortable with than I was.

And the characters? I have reservations about Michael (the VInce scrape) because I do not think you can equate a comic book store to Doctor Who but... we'll see. But Justin is far more likeable than Nathan, and that shifts the dynamic of the show. You want Justin to win, not Michael. Especially when he's shacked up with his hubby. QAFUSA is about growing up, settling down; QAF is about never letting go, fighting til the end, getting your kicks out of shooting Texans. I am starting to see a possibility for a love for both.

What makes QAFUSA so great is what made QAF weak (although there is not much), it has longevity. These characters and their world could go on forever in a way that QAF's could not: their life was coming to an end and they were trying to hold onto it, whereas in QAFUSA they find new but equaly entertaining lifes. And the similarities are what makes QAFUSA so strong: good dynamics, family allusions, lingering eye contact, tastful camera work and great soundtrack.

So, my verdict? I will never be comfortable referring to QAFUSA as Queer As Folk: to me, they are entirely different shows. QAF is all about the unsaid, the unseen, the subtle and the nonchalant. QAFUSA is about the loud, the proud and the love. Stuart is a silent hero while Brian is an exhibitionist. Vince is a sweet but pathetic tag-along while Michael clearly finds a life outside of his. Nathan is a selfish naive know-it-all while Justin is a naive tender romantic. In the end, you take a framework of a good show and you can make an entirely new one. And that is what they've done. And while they could have made their own, without trying to be a part of my parade, the more I see of it the more I am happy it was made at all.

DVD box-set it is: although I can only get 1-3 on Region 2. No idea if they are ever coming out here. Going to start a petition, who's with me? Come on, it'll improve the Gay Update.

xXx

It's all over...

2008-12-01T00:18:00.003Z

So, it's been a month since I posted. But not just any month: National Novel Writing Month. And I won!! A few days ago actually, but my completed novel (entitled Canopies & Grapes) is finished. Final word count was 64,094, and it feels very weird to have finished but also it's made me realise that, if you really want to do something, no amount of other things will get in the way.

And there are a lot of things: so many in face I have to use my iCal to remember. So I saw Emmy The Great on the 11th, and she was amazing. Loving the ICA and she was so sweet. In fact, the name of my novel (sorry I keep going on about it, but I am so proud) is named after one of her best songs, and when she played it as her encore I was so pleased!

Had a debate on the 13th: it was stressful preparing and the rules were so strange but I did enjoy it. Me and Alice won are debate, but we unfortuantly did not get through to the regionals. But we are having fun... and it was an interesting night.

Went to this great event with Envision called Chain Reaction. It was an event geared to making social change, and there were politicians, civil servants, businessmen and charities repressented. It was really inspirational, and it seems everyone at Envision is excited about our homophobia project, which finally looks like it is getting off the ground. If you have any ideas/ suggestions about how we should go about tackling homophobia in a secondary school, please e-mail homophobia.aware@gmail.com.

Been to Westfield's twice. I do like it: it's big and shiny, and had pretty much every shop in the world. There are still bits I have yet to explore but I think anything vaguely local is really useful and it has an Apple Store. Enough to have me convinced, tbh.

Had an Inset days, and then two extra days of school because of broken heating. Yay! It felt like a mini holiday and I did a lot of writing and a lot of sleeping. It was fun, and on the Friday we went to see Horne & Corden. It was really funny, and they were clearly having a good time. Even the warm-up guy was good: and Simon Amstell was in the audience. And, if you need more incentive to watch it, me and Ed were involved in one sketch so we might be on TV!

Parent's evening was alright: bit crowded, you know, but everyone seemed to say positive things so it's all good. Yesterday was awsome: went to see Monkey: Journey to the West at the 02. It was an incredible spectacle: funny, enchanting and impressive in equal meaure. Then, went to meet a friend of my parent's who is over from New York called Sharon. Had a lovely night, and am four Obama badges and an Obama wolly-hat richer!

GAY UPDATE: This has been an incredible quiet period for our favourite soaps. In Verbotene Liebe, Olli is gone of until Feburary, and the hope is that when he returns we will have a storyline to be proud of again. I still love them though, and even Christian brooding over Olli is good quality. Hollyoaks Later... was amazing! I love it, Hollyoaks with bells on: cliff-tops stunts, a marriage, many a reveal, I was truly shocked and enticed. But this is the Gay Update and... while I loved every mention of John Paul (and there were many) it was never going to be enough for me. And I did not get my phone call so. So, NUKE wins! I have been truly moved by As The World Turns recently and I am so pleased Luke and Noah are finally getting the storyline they deserve. Both are proving they can act, and as creepy a turn this story is taking, it is very soap and I am very pleased they are finding a more substantial place in the soap. And FYI, missed Spike in Hollyoaks, will have to catch up YouTube. New soap, Casualty! New guy, gay and seems very interesting. And James Sutton in it in a few weeks... I give it ratings!

No idea what'll be in the next post, but I'm sure it'll be amazing! And I will not wait a month to update this time, that is a guarantee!

xXx

NaNoWriMo

2008-11-02T20:40:00.003Z

Wow, I am on a roll this week when it comes to posting!

So, I was sitting in the Den at three in the morning thinking 'Hey! You know what I need! Another distraction from real world and reality in general!' So, I decided to take part in National Novel Writing Month.

Essentially, me and a ridiculous number of other people online will write a 50,000 word novel between Nov 1 and Nov 30 in order to 'win' NaNoWriMo. Great idea, right? Well, here's the thing... it is a great idea but I am really hoping this doesn't become this all consuming thing. To this end, I am going to try to do a little bit a day rather than one day a week writing 15,000 words.

I'll keep you up to date with how it's going (if I ever remember again to post on this) and will try and find somewhere to post the final novel (good, bad, ugly et al). So, yeah. Image on the side is my word count if you're interested and... hopefully I'll be able to turn that into a winners badge this time next month!

By the way, my novel is (of course) an homage to my favourite thing in the world - teenage gay characters in soaps. Hopefully I will able to draw on my incredible knowledge of the nuances and characters will make it readable AND an excuse to write while watching some classic clips.

Anyway, have a good month. Enjoy the freedom, I know I won't!

xx

www.nanowrimo.org/

The OUT Campaign

2008-11-02T01:16:00.003Z

So, The OUT campaign is a great campaign fronted by Richard Dawkins to raise awareness to the variety and intelligence within the atheist community, one with is often vilified. Especially in America, it seems it is worse to be atheist and good than religious and bad. Not only that, but often atheist thinkers have proved themselves to be at the forefront of ideas.

Part of the campaign is about 'coming out' as an atheist so: My name is Grace Organ, I am an agnostic atheist (I don't believe in God and I also recognise the impossibility to prove his existence even if he did). I am not ashamed that I do not believe in God: I have beliefs and morals that come from a different place, and it does not make me a bad person or a person without conscience or sense of consequence.

So, get involved. Add the A, buy a T-Shirt or a badge (as I am in the process of doing) and, if you are an atheist, don't be ashamed. Embrace it and be proud of it! Given you a couple of links, an interesting article and the official website.

http://cornellsun.com/section/opinion/content/2008/10/30/atheist
http://outcampaign.org/

My Gosh...

2008-11-02T00:43:00.003Z

I am so bad about remembering about this blog. Again, over a month since my last post and I'm not even sure everything that's happened!

So, the iMax seem like so long ago... but it was very good! Tiring but good. I've also seen Brideshead Revisited (good but needed to be longer), HSM 3 today (so bad it was almost good, be better if I could have added it to my Gay Update), and Burn After Reading (funny). Probably more but it's been so long.

Envision has actually been really good. It's gone down in numbers but up in excitement; really plugging for an anti-homophobia campaign which is something I not only really care about but something I feel we can make a difference about. I've been doing a lot research and it really is shocking. If we manage to get this off the ground, I'll keep you informed.

Okay, so guess I should tell you the very exciting things I've been doing. The best thing? Met Martin after a (failed) attempt to get into The IT Crowd, and then I've seen... well, The IT Crowd for real (such a funny episode), Graham Norton twice (including Ricky Gervais) and a testicular cancer benefit where I saw Boyzone, Enrique, Will Young, Tom Jones, Seal and Scouting For Girls. And I was in the front row for that; I could have touched Boyzone but I stopped myself. When it airs I bet you'll be able to see me! I love Martin and he loves Alex!

Had the Rockcorps Gig; it was so fun! I mean, the bands were not who I'd have chosen but it was nice to get a bit caught up in it! The Royal Albert Hall is so nice, and I think it is a really nice idea. If it's something they do every year, I'll certainly get involved.

And... oh, yeah. Scouty stuff. Went to the Tower of London with Brownies, which was actually really fun. They are all so sweet and it is a really nice day out. A couple of them got invested there by a Beefeater and everyone is so friendly. And the next day I had Young Leader Training which was not so bad really; just a few hours and it'll all be worth it in the end.

Halloween yesterday; did nothing. But I do think it is nice that my mum still gets me presents. And this annoying cat keeps coming into my room and sleeping on my bed. If I see it again, it's a broom handle in the face for this cat. And my poor cat won't even come into my room anymore. *sigh*

I love that in all this I do not mention any work at all. I have been working, although really I should have been doing more. I've been more affected by David Tennant quiting Doctor Who than about my deadlines!

GAY UPDATE: Noah went to Rome, Noah came back to Nuke and they were sweet, but they've essentially had no screen time at all. They've currently got another storyline which will climax in them breaking up; anything to stop them having sex really. I am really not looking forward to the next installment where they destroy Luke's character; hope Van can rescue it. Brothers and Sisters IS my favourite show and Scotty is SO cute. So, since the Sunset Ending HOLLYOAKS has been holding the mantle: John Paul came back, nearly died, nearly killed someone and left again, all in a week! Seriously, that week of Niall storyline's was so dramatic and so moving and I was so glad that Tina died. And I did cry more at him leaving than her dying; figures. Ravi is bi, tried to kiss Russ. Bit dull but... the best news? Spike is coming back, so Hollyoaks will stay in the GAY UPDATE as yet. Oh, Ollian I here you cry. Scene fillers but their own storyline next week so... here's hoping they'll trump Hollyoaks soon!

So, next time. Well, seeimg Emmy The Great on the 11th, Envision stuff on the 17th, and knowing me it'll be the Late Night's before I update again. But I promise, I'll remember this slightly more regularly.

xXx

NOTE: The A in the corner of my screen is from The Out Campaign: will do a quick post about it now!

It's been a month...

2008-09-18T22:38:00.003+01:00

It's been a month since I last published a blog; and there's a lot to catch up on. So, I started Year 12 and it's been downhill since then. Only joking! I am really enjoying doing less subjects and a have a great mix of teachers. I have a feeling this year is going to be hard work; but work I'll want to do, unlike last years science exams!

Due to JP and Craig post above, I forgot to mention my amazing day of work with Alex, Charlotte and Jamie. Spent hours asking people if they 'would like a leaflet about the Guillemots, support act today?' and since everyone said no, I have pledged to take a leaflet from everyone who asks from now on. But... I did get to see R.E.M for free; and they were amazing!

So, there is a lot less to say these days with so much of my time taken up with school and playing on my shiny MacBook. Had a nice day out with Karimah where I spend WAY too much on back-to-school clothes. Queens Park Day on Sunday was tiring, as always. Telling Brownies to be quiet is a lot of work. But it was nice to see people; Ed with his three ice-creams and people addicted to the tombola. Good times!

I saw the Chemical Brothers perform a DJ set at the Southbank for free! (I'm starting to realise I have done a lot more than I thought). It was really amazing; I went with Emma and we found a seat by the cable-covers and just watched people drop. I think everyone thought we were high we were laughing so much! Genius...

Saw 'Pineapple Express' with Alex and Charlotte. Apart from the jump, which was so funny, the film seemed a little too sure that the stereotypes were 'likable losers' but I'm not sure they were likable. And the plot was unbelievable! But I love James Franco; he is obviously a very talented and versatile actor. And trust me, watching Charlotte cracking up on one side and Alex groaning on the other; it is hilarious!

Team-building day on Tuesday: went to the middle of nowhere to do 'team-building' activities. Our team came second: which was not bad. Ed grabbed a stick and called it 'The Staff of Leadership' and I got ill just watching people do that absailing thing but... it was actually better than expected. Very similar to stuff with Eton but it's a lot nicer to do those things with people you are more familiar with.

And... wow, this is a lot. I did Rockcorps yesterday where I got yet another free ticket by painting the lines on my school playground. It was quite fun actually; met some nice people, goody bag and free sandwiches. So, it was all good. And now, what you (and I) have been waiting for...

GAY UPDATE: So, Nuke was crap because Noah has gone to Rome; nothing good until October when him and Kevin return. Interesting. Ollian have also been pretty quiet when it comes to their own storylines although today did spice it up (I have only managed to watch it free of subtitles though). But clearly, obviously, the winner is HOLLYOAKS. A year in the waiting. I thought all the episode, but especialy the Sunset Ending was perfectly pitched; romantic without being overdone, reminiscent without only pandering to fans, didn't forget Kieron or lie about his feelings for Craig, joke at the end, amazing acting... my only complaint? Now we have to go on without them! Brothers and Sisters is returning next week and will have to take John Paul's place! We will miss you James and Guy; and good luck! Oh, yeah... and see you in October/November!

Next week: The Dark Knight: IMAX experience reviewed, Envision meeting tomorrow and... other stuff that happens in my week. And the first GAY UPDATE without John Paul *sniffles*

xXx

Hollyoaks Of The Year!

2008-09-01T23:34:00.002+01:00

'Sunset Ending' beginning! I've been waiting for months, and it's finally here. I know it's sad but this probably the most exciting thing to happen to me all summer. So, was at Charlotte's when the HOLLYOAKS episode of the aired on e4 at 7.00 today. Now, this meant I couldn't write the Live-blog of my thoughts as I intended. So... here it is. To understand most of these points, you will have to watch the videos. But trust me: that is no punishment!

Part 1

0.31: What the hell is that T-Shirt, JP?
0.43: OMG; it's a taxi!!
0.48: Shoes...
0.55: Face!!
1.00: Return of prodigal son? Forgiveness? Nice tie-in!! Thought don't think Jack'll be pleased to see him...
1.15: Knew this was a dream, but is exactly what I thought a out the whole proposal!
1.35: Coward? Meaning anyone, writers?
1.55: Go away Niall!
2.00: John Paul's face cracks me up!
2.19: Doesn't John Paul look enthusiastic?
2.36: 'I said no.' Good on you Steph!
2.46: Please, Steph, stick her head in the blender.
3.12: Yeah, he didn't. And hasn't. He just loves how Kieron loves him rather than actually him...
3.25: Walking through the random new state park, OMG!
3.47: And the only meaningful relationship I've ever had is with THIS storyline!
3.58: 'It's not about him' No, it's about Craig.
4.14: Meeting the one feels like... wanting to avoid their calls?
4.30: I do love her, hope she doesn't die...
4.50: They don't let us wonder home to 'get our books'
5.18: I love Newt! 'Everything's that wrong with me...'
5.44: Missed that smile.
5.50: From Dublin? Oh, right, travelling...
5.57: She looks guilty, and so she should. Making Craig feel bad, but then she did bring him back so can't complain.
6.13: New people who aren't just in his head...
6.29: Darren helping out? That is enough to arose suspicion?
6.59: You'd know if you picked up my calls! But Kieron's too nice to say that...
7.14: Sly way of saying 'Can we wait?'
7.23: Niall as best man?! I hate him...
7.32: Why would he not invite all his sisters?!
7.50: 'You're so nice'; hardly passionate feelings, is it?
7.52: 'It drives me mad' and not in the good way!
7.57: Yeah, you should be having fun. Being with Kieron SHOULD be fun!
8.05: I feel really bad for Kieron though...
8.08: No-one gets married at 19! Except Nathan and Haley...
8.14: But you could have said 'No' Kieron...
8.27: Time... with Craig?
8.34: That's not fair Kieron; he never asked you to give up the Church!
8.42: I can recite this scene by heart!
8.57: I love his face!
9.08: Loving the eye-sex!
9.10: Craig ident! He is officially back people!

Part 2

0.13: I don't care about Kieron! Back to my boys!
0.25: What a weird picture of John Paul to have: he's not even smiling...
0.32: That's a stupid question. You know about the family stuff...
0.50: Aw, sad Craig.
1.02: Awkward!
1.10: AWKWARD!
1.22: Those smiles are so... I love them.
1.29: Didn't take long answering that one Craig!
1.42: Bit presumptuous Niall, she did say no!
2.01: That's a huge lunch to come with dessert as well...
2:21: Don't say adopt in front of Niall: he may explode.
2.48: I hate Cindy!
2.52: and leave Tom alone? Idiot guy!
3.05: 'Not with you' The man who killed my husband...
3.23: Bad timing? Tell that to Craig...
3.26: 'You can't even see when your own (relationship) is falling apart!' I hate Niall but he makes a fair point.
3.31: You don't feel bad enough to NOT kill Kieron though...
3.39: Aw, rambling JP. He still loves him.
3.47: Like, the 'Lost' line from before. They are giving us everything we want here!
3.49: 'Tall?' I think nice was more passionate...
3.57: Can't look at Craig when you are describing him though, can you?
4.01: 'Is he a saint?' LOL.
4.06: But didn't mention he was her priest??
4.13: Love that he says his name!
4.20: Poor Craig! Trying to make light of it... but you can tell. That is good acting.
4.39: Very true, we appreciate the irony.
4.37: Love that he says please! He's begging...
4.47: No, he's upstairs on the sofa
4.55: Oh, touching...
5.03: John Paul's remembering that now... the making up I mean :P
5.18: Craig's face when Darren hugs him... CLASSIC!
5.20: Wouldn't it just be easier to go upstairs and tell Jack to hide?!
5.29: Awkward! Classic face...
5.39: AWKWARD!
5.51: 'It's none of my business' But it will be...
5.54: He hadn't left the Church at the beginning John Paul, only when you got caught...
5.57: Very true, Craig.
6.04: Yeah, he hasn't forgotten about you even now!
6.23: He wants to ask 'Boy or girl?', you can see it in his eyes!
6.35: 'You do love him, right?' That is the question, my friend.
6.48: That lingering look... so many memories of that! The chemistry is still alive!
6.52: Jack is an idiot! He deserves to be found out. At least sit in a room that no one would just walk into...
6.56: But failed, Darren. Like you fail at life.
7.04: Running after him... you should have done that the first time!
7.11: Yeah, answer the question John Paul!
7.14: Took to long! Wrong answer! And you know it...
7.16: Poor Craig!
7.19: I'm sorry too!!
7.24: Only that face tells me you are sorry, John Paul. That you ever meet Kieron maybe...
7.28: That face... that face John Paul pulls when he hugs Craig. That is the difference between McPriest and McDean. I love it!
7.30: And Craig is pulling it too!
7.37: Still can't pull away right away though, can he?
7.41: How does he know that is Craig?! Poor Kieron though; I do love him. I just know that John Paul doesn't...
7.44: Good catch!
7.47: Love the short breath John Paul gives out... he doesn't want to hurt Kieron. But let's face it, he will not be able to help it. And that look...
7.56: Craig wants to hold John Paul so much! I see change! And John Paul just can't look at him. Again. It's a theme already... and the opposite of the theme last year!
8.05: I feel so sorry for Kieron!
8.18: Wish that meant Niall was dying and not Kieron!

Verdict: AMAZING! A week of this and my heart will give out!

Results, MacBook, Breaking Dawn & Spoliers

2008-08-27T20:23:00.004+01:00

So, after all the waiting, all the adrenaline, all those intensive revision sessions (ahem!), it's finally time to reveal my results and...

THEY WERE GOOD! 4 A*'s and 7 A's. I got the A* in History which I wanted more than any of the others, the A I needed in Maths and a surprise A* in Biology which makes me kind of sad not be taking it. Everyone has been so sweet sending my congratulations messages; even the guy my dad works with. I'm really revved up for next year now: less subjects, smaller classes, harder lessons.... I think it'll be good. Weird (especially with people leaving and stuff) but good.

And, the best news, my reward is a shiny new MacBook. I say new as if I had an old one rather than wishing I had one since they were invented. But I don't care. So, that might be sorted by the weekend or even before! I can't wait; and I love my parents for buying it for me.

Breaking Dawn... well, I wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I think Bella as a vampire was done really well and it was so much easier to read the stuff written from Jacob's point of view. But... something about it didn't feel like the other books. I think that maybe in the time it's taken for this one to come out, I've lost my drive for it, and there was nothing of the fire from the other books to get me back. So, good; but glad it's the last one.

What else? Saw Hellboy 2: The Golden Army with Charlotte, Ed and Alex (who fell asleep half-way through). The best bit of the whole movie was the guy behind us repeating a joke to himself and laughing at it again. Classic! Oh, and kitten! Charlotte found a day old kitten and it's tiny and perfect and amazingly small! Found in a Barbie doll's hair under some kitchen units! So, spent at lot of time going 'aw!' about that! Had a 12 year old girl day yesterday at Alex's where I also watched some horrendous Fox News clips... tut tut.

GAY UPDATE: Sweet Nuke reference to first kiss and they are kissing a lot now, sweet Ollian episodes with sitting in the bath (with clothes on!) and jumping each other on the sofa and such like. I even didn't mind the Roman and Deniz clips and I usually hate them. So it's been a great week. And even thought JP & Kieron have hardly been on, HOLLYOAKS is my pick again. And why? Because Craig is coming back. And they have sex. And Kieron dies. And the video spoiler has only 30 second of clip and they don't even speak to each other and I am so excited I may burst... so, I'm sorry but impending Sunset Ending is beating all others. When it's over, I'm sure the playing field will be leveled again.

So, next week I'll be back at school on Friday so I'll try and post before then. I'm thinking... Monday, after first Craig episode. So, I'll review that, and the Big Star gig I'm going to tomorrow; they are my dad's favourite band (he named his shop after them) and I'm going to brush up on the classic tracks all tomorrow. And... who knows what other exciting things will happen (meaning I have no firm plans)? And where will I be posting this from? My brand-new MacBook!

xXx

Lottie's 16, Berlin, Underage & Aberdeen

2008-08-16T17:31:00.003+01:00

Very busy few weeks: I'm just winding down now...

So, Lottie's 16th was lovely. Watched the Futurama move in her garden. I go her a box full of stupid stuff but all very Charlotte. Glad she liked it and she's legal now (but don't be getting any ideas ;p)

Then, the next day, it was off to Berlin. I had a really amazing time; it;s a really beautiful city. German is actually a lot less harsh in reality than it sounds Like how English sounds posh if you say it properly but in reality it's not. We had a lovely apartment, had lovely meals and saw some really great sites. I brought a piece of the wall back as well! It was very relaxed and Ampelman (the old East-Berlin green man) is so cool; he has his own shop. e also went to this amazing flea market where I bought some shorts and a bag AND saw two busker's with MacBooks! All in all: a great trip!

Then, a day after arriving back, it was off to Underage. I loved Florence & The Machine (only the second time I've seen them this summer) and Pull In Emergency. Dizzee Rascal was good, as were Foals. We met a lovely american girl called Kelsey AND I saw Sam from Brighton! Didn't say hi but still... good day, same the weather didn't hold but I love it. A great idea that works!

Then, after one day to relax, it was back to Luton and off to Aberdeen. Same we missed Nick but we had a lovely meal from my Granny's 80th birthday at Milton of Crathes (don't ask, I don't know) and then we had a family photo taken. I do not photograph well so God knows what they look like! So, that wasn't the most enjoyable but everyone is very nice and it was good to get together for such an occasion. Then it was home (a flying visit, I know) and since then I've done nothing... except, of course:

GAY UPDATE: So, Nuke have essentially not been on; bit of a disappointment but 2 episodes next week so let's hope they make up for the absence. No McPriest either, but I forgive Hollyoaks as long as I get my Sunset ending over the next few weeks. But yes it was an OLLIAN fortnight; watched the big fight on a proper German TV (no idea what they were saying but I got the jist) and the attack was genuinely heartbreaking. From the spoilers I've read, they are taking this storyline the right way and we know that the actors are amazing so... I can't wait. Although, the SUNSET ENDING is taking up most of my adrenaline.

Even though I've already had many a phone call asking for my results (those are A-Levels!), my results come out on the 21st. So, hopefully they'll be good enough to share with you next week. I will hopefully have a good gay update to give you, complete with Hollyoaks spoilers and... maybe Breaking Dawn review? We'll see...

xXx

Films, J and B, Books and Summer Sundae

2008-07-31T17:32:00.003+01:00

So, it's been two weeks since my last post. I thought I'd done nothing but when I have it all written down I've almost been productive!

I went to see High School Musical as performed by Princess Frederica. I have to see, one of the sweetest things I've ever seen! And I love Saamia's iPod Nano, again, so sweet!

I was feeding Charlotte's cat; it felt very strange to let myself into her house. Speaking of Charlotte: Happy Birthday!! 16, legal to have sexy time!

I've seen three films; two very good, one very bad. Wall:E was a brilliant film: a little bit of loneliness, space travel and a happy ending. Perfect kids film. The Dark Knight was brilliant; it looked beautiful, every actor was perfect (Ledger inculded) and it's ideas were thought-provoking as well as entertaining (even if there were quite a lot of them). Bad film? Angus, Thongs & Perfect Snogging: everything about it was offensive to teenagers or even human beings! Don't go and see it, don't waste your money, time or breath.

Joyce & Bruce came over for a flying visit; it was nice to see them and get an official Olympic mascot called Jing-Jing. Nice meal in Queen's Park for my mum's birthday after their trip to The Great Wall.

I bought some books from the suggested reading list and went to Summer Sundae, Ben & Jerry's. Ate lots of ice cream and had a great time: if it had been a little cooler it might have been more enjoyable but the ice cream might not have tasted so good.

GAY UPDATE: NUKE was very sweet this week: there interaction showing that the show is tryign to create a relationship not built on sex (like all the other relationships). Ollian still haven't had their own storyline yet, but the fight is tomorrow (I might even get to watch it on a real german television). Annoyed John Paul & Kieron are engaged; it;s all too cosy for Craig to waltz in and interuppt a wedding. Hope Kieron is dead before that can happen. Bring on Craig!

So, next time might not be for a while, I'm off to Berlin, then Underage and then Aberdeen. So expect that as well as Charlotte's birthday goss!

xXx

Eton, Prom, Doctor Who and Progression Day

2008-07-15T20:49:00.003+01:00

Hello!

So, it's been a while and by my standards it was a very busy time. Went to Eton, came back, went back and then came back again! It was an amazing week; it was refreshing to be around a new group of people and it inspired people to try new things. I dived off a diving board, climbed some high stuff and didn't make a fool of myself talking in front of normal people! Result! Much more than a line on my C.V., a truly great week. And meet some really good people; all of which is a very successful week in my book!

A great week which was, rather sureally, punctuated by Prom. Every reservation I had about it being on a boat was wrong; the views of London made up for my lack of motivation to dance and everyone had a good time! I think it proved we were a good year, and one which we'll all miss when we go off to sunnier climbs.

Or in my case, right back again. And, after the amazing team building activities at Eton, 'Progression Day' was a poor show and weak attempt to convey what A-Levels will be like. Someone, explain how 'throwing a egg' to each other is to do with independent learning?! Very dull, and doesn't fill me with confidence about next year.

DOCTOR WHO!! It was great; every loose end which Russell T Davies had made, he sewed up. Every character got an ending fit for their character, the Doctor was brooding, funny and sad (both of them!) and I cannot wait until Torchwood comes back (although I hope Mickey's not involved, that ending suggested he may get a job) and for the Christmas Special. Bring on the Cybermen!! Whether you want it or not...

GAY UPDATE: Nuke was good; Cyndi Lauper did her job, the startlingly short army thing was pointless but this week could show the beginning of a more... positive storyline for them. If they don't have sex soon though, many online fans will switch off. Loving Ollian; for the only couple who have not had their own episode in a while, they are still the most credible. Bring on big fight!! HOLLYOAKS is my soap of the moment though; despite myself, these recent McPreist scenes have been very moving. Craig will have have to have had a personality transplant to be this romantic. But maybe, instead of the sap I've been accustomed to, he'll be refreshing. At least, that's the hope.

So, next time I'll review the Princess Fred's production of 'High School Musical', will give you my shortlisted version of the Wider Reading List and a short family visit. Until then...

xXx

Prom Dress, Emma's birthday & Eton Meetings

2008-06-29T00:26:00.003+01:00

Hello!

So, an update on my very boring life! This week was always going to be... shopping orientated. And so I bought a prom dress: black, no surprise, and I'm quietly pleased with it. Got a nice bag too, so prom is not going to be the boring disaster I thought. Got my Eton stuff too; and am doing MORE shopping tomorrow with Charlotte, who us back for the 'sunny' climbs of Glasgow!

Went to the Eton meeting after nice day out with Karimah on Tuesday; where I bought the first prom dress I promptly took back! So dull and uninformative. Just a series of cliches and money-taking! Oh well, hopefully the week will be better or it'll be a waste of good sleep-in time!

Emma's birthday was Thursday and the tea party at her house was very jokes. Enjoyed myself a lot and glad she liked my scrapbook! Lots of cake, late night and nice breakfast. Good all round! Went to see The Edge of Love yesterday; and loved it. Knew I would, considering Matthew Rhys is amazing and Cillian Murphy is buff!

Doctor Who; what can I say?! It did not disappoint! Absolutely fantastic in every way; the connecting of his companions, the twist at the end, the Daleks and next week can only be better! Thought that this week was hard waiting; this coming week... oh my God! Still loving Jack, shame there was no Ianto kiss considering he thought he might never come back! Oh well...which reminds me...

GAY UPDATE: Ollian was sweet, again, but still no interaction between them, looking forward to the big fight in August. Nuke, well, it was so moving. I think it may be the best so far; the argument was everything I would have said and this week, with Cyndi Lauper should be good (I'm pretending the spoiler I know isn't happening). Jack and Ianto, mentioned above, but it's all about HOLLYOAKS this week. They got found out, and it was edge-of-the-seat stuff, but I'm almost sad Kieron is no longer dying, him simply leaving means it'll be a Kieron-Craig fight for JP, which is very deja-vu.

Anyway, good week and I'll be back with Doctor Who finale review, Eton overview and prom information. Big week, hope I can get enough sleep in!

xXx

Am doing MORE shopping tomorrow with Charlotte, who us back for the 'sunny' climbs of Glasgow!

Scout Fair, Bad Wolf and Shopping Plans

2008-06-22T17:39:00.003+01:00

Oi oi,

So, yesterday was the highly anticipated and marathon of an afternoon I like to call 'The Scout Fair'. As a Scout, you have to run a stall, make money, set up and take down the event. All well and good. Tiring though. I was there from 11 til 9 and didn't sit down for more than 5 minutes at a time. Had to spend all today doing nothing but watching old Doctor Who's to get over it. But we raised £2,877, so all's well that end's well.

Back to Doctor Who... I thought I was going to explode when Donna said 'Bad Wolf'. Re-watched the episode with Billie Piper where she is Bad Wolf and looked up references... and I actually can't wait. Torchwood are in it, which means Jack and Ianto and Rose and Martha and it looks like Donna's gonna die and... phew! It's gonna be amazing.

So, this week is the first full week of 11 weeks of freedom. And what am I going to spend it doing? Sleeping? Seeing mates? Enjoying YouTube updates and watching old Doctor Who's like today? No, I will be constantly shopping for a prom dress, Eton stuff, Emma's birthday present and I wanna buy a book for Eton as well! So, at least if I get it all out the way now, I can relax when Eton is over.

So, as little as I care, I suppose I'll tell you about my prom dress when it is bought and will no doubt be so excited after the next part of Doctor Who I'll be unable to talk about anything else this week.

GAY UPDATE: (for those who care) Ollian was sweet but not enough between them, Nuke was amazing and for all it's fault this storyline is getting better and next week looks amazing. And finally, McPreist is looking up for a finale this week. I won't just be shopping, I'll be watching Hollyoaks too! Most importantly though? JACK & IANTO IN DOCTOR WHO FINALE. STILL CAN'T WAIT! They think they're gonna die, they must say something to each other.

So, enjoy your week and if you see anything I can buy Emma, let me know ;p

Ciao!

I just nearly...

2008-06-17T19:40:00.002+01:00

I just nearly got hit by a 52 bus going the wrong way as I came out of Brownies (I am a leader, not 7 years old ;p). That's just rude! I'd write to Transport For London; but I fear getting a letter from Boris Johnson's government might give them the idea they've helped me and I don't want them to think I like them at all!

Hello

2008-06-17T17:04:00.003+01:00

Hello!

Well, I thought I'd open this blog by dispelling some rumours about me which you may come across or come to the conclusion of yourself over the however brief period of this blog. So, here are the top 5 things people think about me which are not true.

1. I am a homophile.
'advocating or supportive of the interests, civil rights, and welfare of homosexuals'
Now, if that is the definition then I am proud to say, yes, I am. But the rumour is far more concerned with the idea I am OBSESSED with homosexual relationships. This rumour has stemmed from my interest in gay television characters. These include: John Paul & Craig (Hollyoaks)
Luke and Noah (As The World Turns)
Jack and Ianto (Torchwood)
Mani and Jake (Sinchronicity)
Vince and Stuart (Queer As Folk)
Christian and Olli (Forbidden Love)
Kevin and Scotty (Brothers & Sisters)
Brian and Justin (QAFUSA) [see later blog for details]
Roman and Deniz (AWZ)

I will mention these characters occasionally but I am not obsessed by them [Editor's Note: the more of this blog you read, the more you will see that I am.], they just happen to be the best shows around, not my fault! And they do not turn me on, merely entertain me (but if you use the word 'fag', I will hunt you down).

2. I am an albino.
I admit, I am very pale and my face has a tendency to go very red which simply shows off how pale the rest of my skin is. But I am not an albino, I'm just half Scottish.

3. I am a communist/ I love or was married to Lenin.
I am not a communist, I am a liberal, maybe veering towards socialism but I am not a communist. I do not fancy Lenin nor was I married to him as he died before I was born.

4. I do my homework 4/6/8/9 times etc.
I do my homework once, most often at the last minute. I am mildly insulted at the suggestion I need to complete my homework this many times to make it good but... whatever.

5. I get a A* in everything.
I get good grades, I rarely fail things but I do not get A*'s in everything and know perfectly well what an A looks like without the star.

So, there we are. All better. And now I can get on with posting random, mundane posts about life.

xXx