BEDA #22 - New Plan, The BBC And Boston

Sorry BEDA I nearly forgot about you, hence the updating at 3am. Today has been both eventful and non-eventful.

I have a plan for next year - I'm going to do an entire Government and Politics A-Level in 4 months. The college think I can do it and are willing to help so I'm going to go for it. It takes the pressure off for results because I'll know for sure by March, I'll have more than six months to do something more interesting and I've always worked better under pressure.

And I think I'm definitely going to apply for English. I love History but applying for it again would involve applying to many of the same universities and I think a fresh start will be better. It'll throw up some different places, which will hopefully get me excited about going again, and it's subject I equally love and enjoy.

I do want to have a tiny mini rant about the BBC. I was watching an old Have I Got News For You on iPlayer (because, shockingly, there's nothing on at 2am) and Quentin Letts was a panellist going on about how the BBC should make more Lark Rise to Candleford and less Jonathon Ross (you can tell it's old then). I am very defensive of the BBC generally but surely we can all see what's wrong with that statement - a broadcaster cannot constantly broadcast shows that everyone likes, especially when it's a national broadcaster whose remit is to provide something for everyone. The BBC does a lot more work than anyone gives it credit for and if this government cuts it the way it has always threatened to do no-one will be sorrier than us to see it go.

Back to real life. Now, with a plan, I think I can finally relax. I'm going to go to Boston, watch the in-flight movies, enjoy myself (I'm finally getting excited) and even though I have no time really between coming back and starting I'll be so pleased to get it out of the way.

BEDA #21 - Good Friends, Good Food And Good Films

It's amazing how quickly I can get back into the routine of doing nothing. Except I'm not doing nothing because a little bit of me (the bit that, considering I've only had two days) hasn't quite come to terms with it all yet and so is always worrying about my uncertain but slightly less murky future.

I have an informal interview at a college tomorrow. No idea what will come of it but I imagine they will be very informative and helpful, and be able to answer the myriad of questions I have. Like, does it look bad to apply for a different subject? How can they trust the predicted grade of a subject I've never done before? You know, general panicking stuff.

I do have awesome friends though. Like really awesome. I had a great evening with Charlotte and Alice where we chatted about all our lives and ate Indian food and home baked cookies and watched Gosford Park (one of my favourite movies). I love having people in my life where there's no pressure and we can be honest and it's easy and fun. But it's not just my best friend people - everyone has been great about giving advice if they can and wishing me well and shooting V's at the system along with me.

I think my parents are more freaked out than me because, like me, they don't know what's going on it the future and they just want me to be happy and on track again. They're looking up colleges and printing out questions and talking about ringing up their (albeit limited number of contacts) to get me something to do when I'm not studying which will enrich my application/CV.

Basically, it's done now. It still smarts a little but it's fading fast. I'll be very glad when it's gone; thankfully, I'm sure Boston will be the perfect medicine.

BEDA #20 - Mac Is Back, Philosophical And Victorian Women

I am finally speaking to you, again, from the glorious Mac the MacBook. She (named after Mac from Veronica Mars) is in pristine working order; I had almost forgotten how much I used her until she was back. Wow, life is better.

And I'm getting better at the 'seeing things in perspective' stuff. I've talked to a lot of people and they've all be saying basically the same things: that I'm not stupid, that it's not the end of the world, that in a few years this will be a distant memory, that it's an opportunity to think things through, everything will eventually turn out fine. And this is all good and true advice and I'm getting better at seeing it like that.

But it comes and goes. It is slightly hard to admit that the massive life change you were preparing for and, indeed, incredibly excited about is not happening. And the way it is not happening (and the scaremongering news surrounding it) makes you feel, albeit temporarily, as if it is never going to happen.

Essentially I have turned into the heroine of a Victorian romance novel. Most of the time I am well-spoken, calm, measured in my emotions and angry at a society which is not permitting me to do what I want. And the other half of the time I am so overcome with emotion I want to take to my bed with smelling salts in one hand and an embroidered handkerchief in the other.

I have three options (assuming, and I have been told essentially to assume, the Cambridge pool is a no go):

1. Keep the grades I have (A*, A, C) and apply... wherever will take those grades. Essentially somewhere which will take you with a C meaning that you might as well not have worked for the A and A*.

2. Re-do the Spanish unit which is an E. That would involve going to a college, probably from January to June and hopefully getting my grade up to an A. The plus side is it would not feel like giving up but the down side is I kind of feel like giving up.

3. Start and finish a completely new A-Level in a year. It would mean, essentially, I couldn't get a job (unless I went to night-classes which would make predicted grades and therefore UCAS difficult) or do anything but more studying. However, it's not Spanish.

So yeah. If I pick 2 or 3 (and let's be honest, I will) I'm going to have to go to some kind of private sixth form college who can provide this with some guarantee of results (which considering all of this, I would really like). I don't really want to but then the only way this situation is going to improve is to work my way out of it. It might be depressing (and it is) but it's necessary. And I don't deserve to go to university if I'm not willing to fight for it.

BEDA #18/#19 - Nerves About Results Well Justified

So not in a brilliant mood for BEDAing. But I wasn't yesterday either so I didn't and two days of not updating is a dangerous slope to go down.

I'll just say this: today could not have gone worse for me. It was a disaster which has, essentially, left me with a year of my life I didn't want to spend here doing the stuff I am now going to be forced to do, whatever that turns out to be.

And I appreciate that, once the disappointment of getting in NOWHERE has receded I'll be fine and probably wax lyrically about how this gap year helped me find myself or whatever. For a start, it looks like English is the way to go. Can't fault those UMS marks.

So yeah, in the future I'll probably look back on this year with fondness. But in the end, I didn't want it. And I really wish I didn't have to do it.

There really is nothing make failure to make you feel like a failure.