BEDIN #1: The Pledge

So I have a confession to make: I have no intention of doing NaNoWriMo this year. Last year I tried, valiantly, but failed. I blamed the first year of university and having to make friends and the such, but the truth is the idea I had to work with meant so much to me that I couldn't face thrashing it out in one month. And this year, I feel exactly the same, and have none of the same half baked excuses to fall back on. So I'm not even going to try.

But I feel it's a shame not to do *any* forced, pressurised writing over the month. I always came out the other side of November enthused and inspired and feeling good about my writing style. And considering how many words of assessed work I am going to have to write this year, I could do with some of that.

My plan, then, is to dig out the folder full of half-baked ideas for blogs, for posts started but never completed, completed but never posted and blog every day in November: BEDIN if you will. Which, I agree, sounds a bit like an obscure ex-Soviet dictator but IGNORE that and keep reading. And at the end of the month, maybe, I will look back and feel less guilty about avoiding NaNoWriMo than I did last year. 

And, hopefully, most of them will be longer than this.

Summer 2012

I am going to move on from the implied 'I am a crap blogger' and go straight into the post...

So, if you were so minded, you could definitely draw a correlation between how often I blog and how much work I should be doing. I am five days away from my first exam, thirteen away from my second and last, and instead of practicing Middle English or learning stock epithets from The Iliad, I am blogging. Well done me.

My main method of procrastination (among many) has been daydreaming about the summer and I am so excited for it to start. There was a time, not long ago, when the summer seemed like it was going to be average at best, mainly consisting of me trying (and probably failing) to find work in London and slumming it with my mates in the (mediocre) sunshine. But now it looks like it's going to be amazing, and here's why in a handy, month-by-month, cut-out-and-keep guide to what I'll be doing this summer.

1. 29th June - 15th July = NEW YORK
So this is clearly the most exciting part of my summer plans: a family friend with a house in NY asked if I wanted to house-sit and I could not reply to the e-mail fast enough. Now me and Charlotte are going to get to spend two weeks swanning around New York; going to see open-air films, shopping in second hand book stores, frolicking in Central Park and occasionally feeding some cats. I am so desperate to be there: while I'm not sure I am hipster enough to live in Brooklyn, even for a fortnight, I am excited to try! And it'll be exactly twelve years since I was there as a child with my best friend, it'll be a nice little update on my second favourite city in the world. Can't wait.

2. 1st August - 31st August = CAMP NaNoWriMo
One of the main disappointments of this whole year was that I did not complete NaNoWriMo in November: the last three years have been this great creative challenge which I have become completely immersed in. But this year, having just started university, I tried hard but ultimately failed. These damn people I lived with wanted to like, talk to me and my tutors wanted me to like, read The Iliad and stuff. So I really want to do Camp NaNoWriMo instead, an opportunity to make up for how rubbish I was earlier in the year. No idea what I'll write yet as I've already started the thing I most want to work on but we'll see, maybe the Big Apple will inspire me.

3. 8th September - 15th September = ITALY
Because I don't come back to university until October, I also have the delights of September to enjoy without much pressure. This could have been a massive drag, as most people will go back throughout the month until it's just me and the Oxbridge ones left. I am so looking forward to swanning around Italy; hopefully I'll have a reading list by then and I can read my American/Arabic/Devolutionary British fiction in the sun - after applying the proper amount of suntan lotion! Having been in Verona last summer as well, I am super excited to spend my second summer in a row in Italy, where the ice cream is amazing and it is always acceptable to eat pizza.

4. All Summer =  Starting From Splash
As I said right at the start, my blogging and my workload tend to increase together. This time around, however, I've gone a step further and started a whole new blog! The basic premise of Starting From Splash is that I am a crap geek because I have never read any comic books, so I'm going to start! I haven't been fantastic at updating it so far, exams demotivating me as they originally motivated me, but I have loads of titles, nine in all now, already sitting on my shelf waiting to be read. And I intend too, preferably while sitting in Queens Park drinking Pimms.

There we go! A perfect combination of my favourite procrastination techniques: now if I could just enjoy blogging about Gawain as much, I might pass this stupid exam!

In Which I List Things...

So 2012 is in full swing! It's already been over a month (scary) and it's less than twenty days until I am 20 (scarier). Because this month seems to have gone so quickly, and not because it was so full of productive events, I thought I'd try and make myself feel better by listing some of the things that have happened to me this month.

1. Got given an inhaler to get rid of my cough
2. Did my radio show, Theme Time, on RaW, three times
3. Discovered the board game Game Of Knowledge
4. Read The Aenied
5. Bought seven books (in charity shops)
6. Finished Season One of Buffy
7. Got to 1 million on Temple Run
8. Gave a tour of campus to four people
9. Gave two essays in (one which is very big and scary)
10. Ate a slice of caterpillar cake
11. Went to a career event
12. Went to an SU General Meeting (which was subsequently cancelled)
13. Saw five films at the student cinema
14. Learned the right way to fold socks
15. Analysed the likelihood of each of my housemates committing murder and came out on top
16. Avoided all spoilers of The Fault In Our Stars
17. Watched (and was amazed/baffled by) Sherlock
18. Discovered that koalas are in serious danger of dying out due to chlamydia and was sad about that
19. Almost definitely did not give anyone whooping cough (subject to change, blood test on Monday)
20. Ate a lot at an All-You-Can-Eat pan-Asian restaurant in Coventry

I like to list things - this makes it look like I did lots in January but in reality I did not do enough. I haven't really gotten back into the swing of work, mainly because my cough has made me pretty tired and unmotivated earlier than I usually am but also partly because it's January. Quite excited for February though, because I have these things planned:

1. See The Room again but this time introduced... by Tommy Wiseau!
2. Turn twenty
3. Read The Fault In Our Stars
4. Make (and eat) Tom and Jerry cakes
5. Do three more radio shows
6. Go and see a version of A Doll's House in Coventry
7. THE MUPPET MOVIE
8. Give one essay and one commentary in
9. Read Lolita, The Buddha of Suburbia, Endgame10. Give another campus tour, maybe to more than four people this time


See, lists are awesome. Lists make February looks awesome and January look productive. Obviously that makes them massively flawed and misleading but fun!

Anyway, I have to go now and try and sleep because as of tomorrow stuff has to get productive, whether my not (or maybe) whooping cough has gotten better or not.

Maybe It's Because I'm Half A Londoner...

It's been a while (as usual). My blog came up today in conversation and suddenly I had this urge to write a really annoying, long rambling blog post. Yay for you guys!

I've come to find it very strange essentially living in two places. I think it's one of those things you never really consider having much of an impact when you dream of going to university. You might imagine being homesick but that's not really what I'm talking about. It's like I'm constantly readjusting to living here and then before I know it I'm back there again.

I don't really feel it so much here at Warwick. I guess that's because it's still so new and everyone is in the same boat and there is something so *me* about my room here. Obviously I didn't paint the walls or anything but it feels like my room in a really liberating way: I think I'd find it hard to feel not at home here. And also, it's different here because work is so stressful but my friends are so chilled out that it completely balances; there's no pressure to be cool and go wild, we can just stay in and play board games and eat After Eights.

However, going home for Christmas felt really strange. I didn't feel weird the two times I came back to London before Christmas; I think because I was always in such a rush and my mind was so much still *here* that I didn't have time to settle in. But I found it quite hard over Christmas.

It felt so unlike the life I remembered at home, mainly because I had nothing to do. I mean, obviously I had work to do but I was never actually going to do any of it. There were, like, actual changes. My mum was working, which she hasn't been for ages, and it was weird. And my dad was on holiday for most of the time I was home so he was around in the day which isn't usual. Not that I didn't like it that way round but it was just odd.

Maybe it was me: I felt like, very slightly, a different person and I associate that person with this room, this home rather than London home. There were things I was used to talking about, jokes I was used to making, food I was used to cooking which suddenly made no sense anymore. I felt like I had to get in the London mindset almost, remember what I did here and what I liked. Remember the London private jokes and the London references.

But then, really soon, I relaxed into it. I went to Arthur's, spent new year at 'our' house, watched copious amounts of TV on my laptop, watched a Moffat TV show with the Self family and it all came back to me. And it was nice to be back, to see everyone and not have to do anything for myself. But five days back here and I feel like I've been here for weeks. I've gone from doing nothing to having so much to do I have to write myself lists and stick to 'write this many words a day or you can't sleep' rules.

By the end of next week, I'll have no deadlines for a month, I'll be turning 20 really soon and I'll finally be able to relax and enjoy my degree again. But right now it's stressful and it's making me miss London.

*sigh* This blog made no sense and was pointless. Maybe I'll hate it so much once it's posted, it will inspire me to write another one so it is not at the top of the page. We'll see.

PS: This whole blog might be the result of me writing a horrible, long, scary essay about physical space and its meaning in The Magic Toyshop. It's made me very aware of my sense of space.

An Insight Into My First Two Weeks At University

While obviously everyone has an entirely different Freshers Week/Fortnight experience, mine I think has been especially unique. There are lots of examples I could cite in order to prove this point: the post-night out snacking on smoked salmon and quail eggs, the fact we've very rarely gone out as a group (or out at all), the fact that we call our common room the Atrium and that our most exciting evenings of Freshers week were dressing two of the boys up in drag and watching Bridget Jones (at the boys request).

But I want to discuss this evening, exactly two weeks after my first night and my only truly drunken Freshers memory - falling spectacularly down the stairs at the SU. I got back from the Literature Societies Pub Quiz (which my team won, by the way, cash prize and everything) and Fi (my neighbour in the house) just got back from a weekend seeing some friends in Leeds. We arrived to the sight of a homemade croquembouche made by two of my other housemates Georgie and Hugo while we'd been out. After devouring that (and sending a hurried Tweet to @BritshBakeOff) we began to discuss the Fact Board.

So the Fact Board needs explaining. On our first night, we christened our common area 'The Atrium' because it sounds more regal and fancy. We began discussing how we'd decorate over the year, including a bust of Hugo and a large house plant on our plinth. Then we decided on a fact board which would display the one major fact we could all agree on: 'Both Kenan and Kel are alive and well'. Afterwards, once we actually put a bit of paper with that fact up, others started appearing. But none rhymed quite as well as the first fact.

When I got back today, I decided to write the facts out nicely and, in doing so, we decided to write them all out like rhymes. For example, 'Roger the Cabin Boy was not a character from Captain Pugwash' became 'Roger the Cabin Boy, oh golly gosh, was not a character in Captain Pugwash'. Then we got cocky and decided to write the last fact out in limerick form. The last fact in itself needs some explanation: the boys bought a poster of a girl on a tennis court with her skirt tucked into her pants so her bum shows. When we discovered how long ago it was shot, we began to wonder if she was dead. And so the fact was added to the board: 'The tennis girl isn't dead but the photographer is.'

Cut to 40 minutes (no exaggeration) of trying to turn that into a limerick. This included frantic Googling to find his name and then reading over five obituaries, texting Dominic to ask for words that rhyme with 'bum' and several drafts, this was the result:

'There was a young lady from Brum,
Who had a fantastical bum,
While holding a racquet
Her squeeze chose to snap it,
To cancer he'd later succumb.'

Then Luke (another housemate, who makes frequent appearances on the same notice-board with a list of his funniest quotes) decided to prove how easy it was to write haikus and then limericks. On this limerick, Luke said 'This could get published, you know.' So here I am, publishing it.

'I loved to play with my lego
I liked to eat lots of Jell-o
I splashed in a puddle
Mum gave me a cuddle
Now I'm grown up [sic]'

We laughed, a lot. More even that at his contributions to the previous poems. So I decided to prove my worth as the English student in the house and contribute an analysis of the poem, drawing on all my knowledge of poetry forms and language.

'Beautiful subversion of the limerick form in order to discuss the hardships of growing up. The last line brings the joyful rhythm to an end, as the narrator's youth is shattered by the harsh reality of adulthood and it's inherent responsibilities.'

It's gone up on the fridge for everyone to see.

Results Day

I thought today, of all days, I might actually write a personal blog. It is a year ago today (or tomorrow if you want to be pedantic) that I awaited results and then got them. I guess it's natural to feel reflective: people are talking and Tweeting almost exactly the same things I was last year. At this point in my life, I feel I am especially qualified to talk about the highs and lows of this day. So, with this in mind, I am going to write a message to the two camps of A-Level result holders there will be by the end of the day: the pleased and the disappointed. And yes, the disappointed get a much longer note; my sympathy lies, ultimately, with them.

To the pleased,
Congratulations! When I finally got my place at Warwick in March, I felt relief like I never have in my life. It's overwhelming, to have something which before had been a scary possibility on the horizon you tried not to want too much become your reality. But you'll be fine. You deserve your place and you've earned it. A-Levels are fricking hard, ignore what the papers say. If you've got through them and got to where you want to be, then enjoy it! You can start reading those books from your reading list and buying supplies and spend hours trawling the student union website, without feeling like you're tempting fate.

Well done!

To the disappointed,
Hi. So all the things I am going to say in this message are going to be repeated to you over and over and over: teachers, friends, parents, friends of parents, strangers you meet etc. But I'm going to say it anyway. Because it is all good advice. When people were saying this to me last year, I nodded my head and (while accepting that it was probably all true), it made nothing any better. But now, looking back on it, I'm glad I heard it then. It normalises things, I think, makes you feel better to know those clichés are all true. There's comfort in that and, right now, I know you could do with some of that.

Results day was, probably, the worst day of my life. I know that is simply proof that my life has been both short and incredibly sheltered but it was. You can spend a whole year telling yourself (and everyone who shrugs off your worries with a 'you'll be fine') that you shouldn't get your hopes up, that there is work still to be done. But it's only human to invest in the future you have come to expect for yourself. And to be upset when you lose it. Now disappointed is a loose term: it may simply mean you've had to go to your second choice over your first, a readjustment in itself. Today, however, for so many it will mean not going at all this year.

So I am going to postulate that not going this year could be a good thing for you. And am going to conveniently avoid to mention the fact the fees are going to triple next year.

Whether you have to retake or not, this year is going to be about work. Another application (either back to university or, heaven forbid, the world of work) seems utterly daunting and is as dull and mindless as you remember. But the disappointment will allow you to truly assess how much you *really* wanted it in the first place. All decisions about A-Levels and UCAS are made so quickly that sometimes, people make mistakes. Better to realise that now than later. The idea now that I was ever going to study History is enough to make me laugh - how could I have ever thought I wasn't an English student? Maybe I'd have been fine studying History (deep down, I know I would have been) but I think I"ll be better than fine with English. But my desire for Warwick has been a constant and if this letdown does nothing but fuel your desire for one course, one place, one subject, then let that fuel you. That determination will get you through the year and, hopefully, get you what you want.

And maybe you never knew how determined you were. I certainly didn't. While I may have no career ambition (at the time of publication), there was never any doubt in my mind that I was going to do everything possible to be going to university this September. But it turns out failure, as perceived by yourself, sucks. It demoralises you and reaffirms every worry you had about yourself in the first place - that you didn't deserve the places that you got, that you don't work hard enough, that everyone makes more sense than you all time, that there's no point. The cliché, however, does stand. Failure's when you learn the most about yourself. I never thought of myself as persistent or able to bounce back from problems or resourceful or responsible. And this year, I've been all those things. I worked hard and I got what I wanted and even, shockingly, held down jobs! It's scary but nothing is better than coming out the other side knowing nothing but your own determination and hard work have got you what you wanted all along. Nothing. And maybe you'll have to change what you want, lower your expectations. But there's nothing like a setback to humble you and I bet you'll have achieved more by the end of the year than you feel like you will right now.

And think about this. A gap year is a good experience. I never wanted one, never expected to have one. I may be terrified about the fact that I have to write English essays again after a YEAR but in many ways it's been great for me. It's given me the time to reflect on my choices, think things through and you will not be disadvantaged, in any subject, to be a year older with an extra year of experiences (especially if one of those is success in the face of adversity). But this year has been great in another way: in the immediate aftermath of results day, I learned the true value of my friends, and an extra year spent with them has been nothing but a joy. And new friends! Man, new friends. They've been awesome too. If all your friends are off, use this as an opportunity to prove to yourself you can make new friends, something you might not have had to do since you were four. (I did not do enough of this at college, possibly my only regret from this year as it means friends is something I'm still stupidly nervous about).

Basically, cry and curl up in a ball and numbly nod along to all this advice. And then work hard and get back to where you want to be. I guarantee you, when you finally get there, you'll appreciate so much more. And, at the end of your impromptu gap year, hopefully you won't be looking back anymore. I know if someone told me I could go back, go to Cambridge but lose this year, I'd say no. That's all you can ask for in life. And to learn that lesson is something you might not be so lucky to learn at your first year of university.

Good luck!

I am a terrible human being

So, not that anyone has been checking, but it has been almost 9 months since I updated this blog. 9 months! What the hell?! I mean, it's probably because my life has been so exciting. Take a look.

- I went to Lansdowne College and did a whole Government and Politics A-Level in one term. Then I got an A*. So that was a lot of work.

- I reapplied to university, this time for English Literature. I got into 4 out of 5, after another interview at Warwick, and accepted a place there.

- As The World Turns ended. That was pretty heartbreaking.

- I went to see Kelly Stoltz at the Borderline as well as Jonathan Richman and Johnny Flynn at The Luminaire, my favourite music venue which has now shut down.

- I went to a family wedding in Scotland and learnt some super-cool cèilidh dancing (which, I would like to add, I was much better at that many of the 'truly' Scottish people).

- I gave blood twice, one time which went well and one time which was quite horrible.

- I bought six teefury t-shirts.

- I completed NaNoWriMo and tried (but failed again) to complete ScriptFrenzy.

- I started, and completed, watching The Office (US version) and am now something of an addict. I also watched the first season of Mad Men.

- I got a Tumblr in order to waste time when I should have been revising for exams.

- Some family came down to London (aunt, second cousin, Scottish people etc.) and I got to hang out with them and do awesome touristy stuff.

- I went to a party and was really boring but made some awesome friends called Geek Corner. And, despite IT NOT BEING A RUSE AND NO ONE NEEDING TO LEAVE THE ROOM, there is this guy...

- I had Christmas at home.

- I went to see The Room three times.

- I turned 19.

- I went to St. Ives for a long weekend - soaked in the awesome, had the best meal of my life, had the whole guest house to myself and so preceded to do a lot of loud dancing late at night.

- Tried and failed to be a part of a collaborative vlogging project.

- Got many jobs, mostly looking after other people's children but sometimes looking after handbags as well.

- Voted Yes to AV (after much, much deliberation).

- Lost most of my friends to all four corners of the globe.

When I put it like that, see, you might be mistaken for thinking the reason I have been so bad at updating my blog is because I've been so busy. The real reason is... I don't know what the real reason is. I don't think it's the busy thing - since exams have ended especially there have been plenty of days where I've done less than nothing and could easily have written this exact blog post.

And also don't think it is because I haven't had enough things to blog about. I could have blogged about my brief foray into private education or the last ATWT or the decision to make Maxxie a girl in the American Skins or why I can consistently win NaNoWriMo but not ScriptFrenzy. I even drafted some of these, left them to ferment on my desktop for days but to no avail.

Maybe the answer, weak though it may be, is that you just forget. It's just as easy to get out of the rhythm of blogging as it originally was to get into it. Or maybe, much like meeting up with a friend you haven't seen for years, you quickly get to the stage where there's too much to catch up on. But I tried, and at least now maybe I'll remember about this blog.

And, if not, at least you know where my Tumblr is now. :P

BEDA #29/30/31 - Goodbye Cruel World

So, this is it guys. I know I've missed a couple of days out but it was all pretty standard holiday stuff: saw a great White shark, got a Catcher In The Rye t-shirt, ate my first clam, drinks at a gay bar with my parents, watched the Prime Time Emmy's (and was mostly pleased) a second Peanuts bobblehead... the usual. 

So what have we learned this month? Well...

- I write more when I'm taking part in an externally, preferably Internet, organised writing event. 

- The reason I thought I wasn't good enough for Cambridge was because I wasn't.

- America has a lot of wasteland that I can describe very badly. 

- Baseball is awesome. 

- I really, really like Dr Reid Oliver but I want Nuke endgame.

- John Green is awesome. 

- I am too socially awkward for YouTube gatherings. 

- It's not a good idea to get a tiny piece of headphone stuck in your laptop. 

- I am definitely an atheist. 

- When your friends get mugged at gun-point, it's scary. 

- Harry/Severus slash is awsome. 

- Nothing good happens after 3am, even my blog posts.

- I always feel better with a plan. 

- I am very bored a lot of the time. 

That's it. August over. I have an epic (possibly too strong a word) plan for next year I intend to blog about soon. Thanks for reading!    

BEDA #28 - Plymouth, America And Bobbleheads.

BEDA #29 - Plymouth, America And Bobbleheads

So I'm tired, again. Holidaying really takes it out of you. 

Today we went out to Plymouth, the place where the Mayflower landed. We got the train from South Station to Plymouth Station which turned out to be miles out of town. Like, properly far away. The old train sheds were falling down, the Walmart was shut up and everyone who got off the train got straight into a car. We hailed this local bus and went in a massive circle all around town. We passed through about eight outlet malls and everyone else who got on the bus knew the driver well enough to kiss his cheek as they got off.

It was weird. It reminds you that most of America is dead space between populated areas. Highways and out-of-town furniture stores and big yellow traffic lights. It looks exactly like you want it too as well; orange wasteland with scrubby green trees, bright blue sky and smoking black road. 

Finally we were in Plymouth town. They had this waterside festival on which was like Queens Park Day times one hundred. Most of the stalls were kid orientated but we did manage to pick up a Red Sox bobblehead. 

The bobblehead story is one of those family private jokes that I assume siblings share but, as an only child, I can only talk about with my parents. Basically my mum had a Yankee bobblehead that I broke as a child. About the only thing I ever broke so it became quite a big deal. So glad to have a replacement - and I carried it around all day like some weird form of punishment. 

So we went on the Mayflower II and a boat ride around the harbour and then back on the train. I fell asleep a little bit but I woke up in time for some good food. There were a lot of screeching women but otherwise a very nice place. 

I am going to fall into bed now - I've wacthed all the OnDemand episodes if 30 Rock so I know it's sleeptime. 
 

BEDA #27 - Hot Day, American Restaurants And Trout Fishing In America

Greetings! I'm too tired for a long post because today was boiling hot. And it's only gonna get worse. It's the kind of sun that can give you a headache even when it's behind you. At least there's a lot of water around to breeze it up.

Before we got out I finished my book 'Trout Fishing In America'. It was definitely the most American book I have ever read. It was very strange but not alienatingly so, and the narrator had a genuine and unique voice. It was one of those books filled with ideas and strong images which will haunt me forever. I'm reluctant to recommend it though because I can see it's strange enough that most people would not like it.

So we started the day by booking a trip to Cape Cod; I am so excited to go! Then we went to the public gardens and got on a swan boat. It was powered by one poor college student pedalling but it didn't last very long. There was a boy in front of us telling inappropriate jokes very loudly. His dad tried to distract him by pointing out ducks and taking about a trillion photos of him.

Then we wandered around Beacon Hill, a very beautiful part of Boston. It was exactly what you want New England to look like. And I got to order a grilled cheese in a cafe - I felt so American! Then my mum bought a Red Sox Christmas decoration - and we're back to tourist. Then did a quick shuttle boat trip to get a look at the harbour, which displays a beautiful skyline.

Then we went to an American restaurant. And I mean really American. Like neon signs and dimly-lit bar with bottled beet and free re-fills if coke. It served Boston Beans and lobster rolls and cheeseburgers. The background music was stadium rock and the TV screens were showing the Red Six game (which I got quite hooked too) and high school American football. It was perfect: especially when the waitress gave us free clam chowder because we'd never had it.

Now it's OnDemand time. Until tomorrow fair readers, until tomorrow.

BEDA #26 - Freedom Trail, Sunshine And As The World Turns

Hello all! The sun came out in Boston today so we took the opportunity to do the Freedom Trail, which traces a route between the oldest and most historic parts of Boston (and often the US) including many related to the American War Of Independance. We started at the blah blah blah; if you wanna list, Google it. Yes, it was all very interesting and picturesque but much more importantly I watched my first full episode of ATWT. Here is the liveblog what I wrote during it.

-----------

Watching a whole episode of As The World Turns for the first time. Liveblog! 

- Reid is so cute with his little OCD ways. 

- Luke - could you be more obvious? Although you have a fair point... 

- Since when were Will and Gwen in town? 

- I don't know how any of the people are related. Whose Gwen's mum? Whose Will's mum? And why are they staying with Emily?

- I've always liked Henry. But am I supposed to be happy about him and Barbara or creeped out? 

- Also, did not know Paul was her son. I need some kind of Oakdale family tree. Although it's a bit late now. 

- Oh, Barbara is Will's mum too. So Paul is his brother. 

- Wait, Paul is Henry's brother too?! So much incest in this town. 

- Just because Chris wants to lie to his partner-person doesn't mean he should force or expect Reid too. 

- Luke advising people to let people worry about them?! Shocker (!) 

- Reid is sweet but a bad liar. Just tell Katie!

- It's weird to watch this in decent quality. 

- Reid has the cutest facial expressions. I just wanna pinch his cheeks. 

- I feel tension between Barbara and Emily. Power struggle for Paul's affection. 

- How often have Henry and Barbara been on/off?!

- Those are some seriously shocked and awed faces. 

- Also, Will and Gwen have been in town and not met up with Luke? Rude... 

- There are A LOT of adverts. And they are weird. Do they have to read out the possible side-affects of nasal spray? It makes it sound scary. 

- Way to attempt to cheer everyone up Emily. It's a bit like doing a cheerleader routine at a wake. 

- What's Fairwinds?! 

- 'You're in and out of heels.' That did make me lol. 

- The show is ending soon Paul. I doubt there's enough time for them to marry AND divorce.

- You tell him Reid! 

- It's not all your fault Luke. Chris is acting like a twat. I do not like him. 

- I've always liked Will and Gwen. They're the Nathan and Haley of Oakdale. 

- That was one sunshine smile Luke. 

- Very true Henry. No one in Oakdale should be casting stones. 

- What, so Barbara is about to marry her ex-husband's son? To give Paul his credit, that is weird. 

- They do have to read out all the possible side-affects. How do they ever sell medicine?! 

- Dear Activia, 'desserty' is not a word. 

- Luke and Noah are still together in the bumper. That's so sad. 

- Ooh a political ad. That's weird to see. 

- Wait, Parker is Will's brother too?! This show makes my head spin. 

- So Hal is Parker's dad? The cop who got shot on the job? Or did I make that name up? 

- Aw Reid, how romantic (!)

- Okay, they are really cute. 

- 'The whole enchillada'? That's some beautiful, elegant imagery there Reid.  

- Man, another kiss and a half!

- Cockblocked by a rattle, that's a new one. 

- 'To be continued...' That sounds like the kind of thing someone says before they die. 

- Your sunshine smile's not bad either Reid. 

- Is this pre-school just on the road in Old Town? Is there anything Oakdale does't have? An airport, a hospital, multiple daycares, a university... not bad for a small town.  

- Emily doing adverts?! Ha ha ha.

- There was a really sudden lighting change... 

- Gwen is totally the voice of reason. 

- Luke has a good mock-serious face. A worse lie-to-Katie face though... 

- The Bold and The Beautiful looks way worse than As The World Turns. Why isn't it cancelled?!

- Surely Chris is not gonna keep lying! 

- Who's John Dixon?!

- Why are Henry and Barbara living at The Lakeview?

- Henry, I don't think you're allowed to withdraw marriage proposals. 

- Wait, I still don't know who John Dixon is?!         

---------

So there you have it. See you tomorrow for something a little more cultural. Maybe.

BEDA #25 - More Rain, Baseball Fanatic And Big Breakfast

Greetings from Boston. Again. Although today feels like the first real day. Got a really good night's sleep; because I'm in the master bedroom I have the massive bed. It's more than kingsize. It's the perfect jetlag remedy.

Then onto breakfast. We went into a diner we passed last night and I had a breakfast called 'Emergency Room'. Two pancakes, three scrambled eggs, three sausages, home fries and White toast. It sounds like a lot (and it was), it was not as bad as the one below it called 'Intensive Care' which included a 10oz sirloin steak. The diner was called Mike's and it was awesome. Might buy a t-shirt if we back.

It had rained all night and so yesterday's Red Sox match was called off. We though todays might be as well but they had to play because they go away tomorrow. So it was a doublehitter and we were at the first afternoon game. It was really fun. The game is exciting and the crowd was mixed with a good atmosphere. I got quite into it, might keep following it if from a distance. I have a baseball cap and badge now as well. You can see I'm a diehard fan.

More rain meant we ran into an Irish pub, the only place that would let me in without ID. Then we went to a really nice bistro where I had the best carbonara ever. And then lemon tart. Heaven.

I'm tired so I'm feeling a couple of OnDemand TV shows and an early night. No idea what tomorrow will bring, only that it will be American.

BEDA #24 - Arrived, Settled In And Jumbo Sized

Woo hoo Boston baby!

It's very exciting. The plane wasn't as painful as I thought it night be. Turns out my ability to not sleep despite being really tired helps me fight off jetlag. We didn't have our own TV screens so I had to watch Bounty Hunter. It was bad. But I did get to watch 30 Rock, The Office and two episodes of Parks And Recreation. So, not all bad.

Got into Boston to pouring rain. Bit of a shame but the buildings are still beautiful and New-Englandy. We did some wandering around and it's really America. Diners and 7-11s and those crazy Skittle flavours.

The apartment is nice too - my parents gave me the master bedroom because it has it's own TV and all the Harry Potter books. I've already TiVoed the next Luke/Reid episodes. Everything is massive though, the cups are like bowls and the armchair makes me look like a midget. He's also left a lot of personal photos around which is kinda awkward.

Red Sox tomorrow - will update then.

BEDA #23 - Boredom, Boston And Books

So life has returned to relative normality after the panic of the last few days. I have a plan and I have awesome friends. Sorted. So now things are back to being boring and therefore I have nothing really to blog about today. Well, I am flying to Boston tomorrow.

But now there's a lot of pressure on Boston to be a brilliant holiday. More brilliant than it had to be before. When I get I'll have literally hours before I have to register at college (I kind of like that I get to say 'college' now rather than 'school'. It's a step up, if not the one I was expecting). Then three days before I actually start learning all over again. And then four months in which to do an entire A-Level.

So basically it's going to be hectic. So hectic I'm not sure about my ability to complete NaNoWriMo (but I'll see how I feel, no promises!). So Boston needs to be good and really relaxing and really fun all wrapped into one. I am very excited.

The other thing about this trip is that it'll give me chance to read. The most exciting thing about (hopefully) having some time off next year is that I can read loads of books. And especially if I wanna study English, that is a major plus. I'm bringing five books, two very short, two medium and one quite long. They are: Trout Fishing In America, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The Secret History, Wonder Boys and Silence.

So yeah, Boston. Hopefully I'll have something to report tomorrow. And because of the time difference, I have no idea if the posts will come up on the right days. Or if I guarantee to get them up at all. Either way, see you soon!

PS: I am very excited to watch ATWT on a real TV! I hope this apartment has TiVo because I doubt we'll be in at 2 on Thursday. I may be excited enough to Liveblog.

BEDA #22 - New Plan, The BBC And Boston

Sorry BEDA I nearly forgot about you, hence the updating at 3am. Today has been both eventful and non-eventful.

I have a plan for next year - I'm going to do an entire Government and Politics A-Level in 4 months. The college think I can do it and are willing to help so I'm going to go for it. It takes the pressure off for results because I'll know for sure by March, I'll have more than six months to do something more interesting and I've always worked better under pressure.

And I think I'm definitely going to apply for English. I love History but applying for it again would involve applying to many of the same universities and I think a fresh start will be better. It'll throw up some different places, which will hopefully get me excited about going again, and it's subject I equally love and enjoy.

I do want to have a tiny mini rant about the BBC. I was watching an old Have I Got News For You on iPlayer (because, shockingly, there's nothing on at 2am) and Quentin Letts was a panellist going on about how the BBC should make more Lark Rise to Candleford and less Jonathon Ross (you can tell it's old then). I am very defensive of the BBC generally but surely we can all see what's wrong with that statement - a broadcaster cannot constantly broadcast shows that everyone likes, especially when it's a national broadcaster whose remit is to provide something for everyone. The BBC does a lot more work than anyone gives it credit for and if this government cuts it the way it has always threatened to do no-one will be sorrier than us to see it go.

Back to real life. Now, with a plan, I think I can finally relax. I'm going to go to Boston, watch the in-flight movies, enjoy myself (I'm finally getting excited) and even though I have no time really between coming back and starting I'll be so pleased to get it out of the way.

BEDA #21 - Good Friends, Good Food And Good Films

It's amazing how quickly I can get back into the routine of doing nothing. Except I'm not doing nothing because a little bit of me (the bit that, considering I've only had two days) hasn't quite come to terms with it all yet and so is always worrying about my uncertain but slightly less murky future.

I have an informal interview at a college tomorrow. No idea what will come of it but I imagine they will be very informative and helpful, and be able to answer the myriad of questions I have. Like, does it look bad to apply for a different subject? How can they trust the predicted grade of a subject I've never done before? You know, general panicking stuff.

I do have awesome friends though. Like really awesome. I had a great evening with Charlotte and Alice where we chatted about all our lives and ate Indian food and home baked cookies and watched Gosford Park (one of my favourite movies). I love having people in my life where there's no pressure and we can be honest and it's easy and fun. But it's not just my best friend people - everyone has been great about giving advice if they can and wishing me well and shooting V's at the system along with me.

I think my parents are more freaked out than me because, like me, they don't know what's going on it the future and they just want me to be happy and on track again. They're looking up colleges and printing out questions and talking about ringing up their (albeit limited number of contacts) to get me something to do when I'm not studying which will enrich my application/CV.

Basically, it's done now. It still smarts a little but it's fading fast. I'll be very glad when it's gone; thankfully, I'm sure Boston will be the perfect medicine.

BEDA #20 - Mac Is Back, Philosophical And Victorian Women

I am finally speaking to you, again, from the glorious Mac the MacBook. She (named after Mac from Veronica Mars) is in pristine working order; I had almost forgotten how much I used her until she was back. Wow, life is better.

And I'm getting better at the 'seeing things in perspective' stuff. I've talked to a lot of people and they've all be saying basically the same things: that I'm not stupid, that it's not the end of the world, that in a few years this will be a distant memory, that it's an opportunity to think things through, everything will eventually turn out fine. And this is all good and true advice and I'm getting better at seeing it like that.

But it comes and goes. It is slightly hard to admit that the massive life change you were preparing for and, indeed, incredibly excited about is not happening. And the way it is not happening (and the scaremongering news surrounding it) makes you feel, albeit temporarily, as if it is never going to happen.

Essentially I have turned into the heroine of a Victorian romance novel. Most of the time I am well-spoken, calm, measured in my emotions and angry at a society which is not permitting me to do what I want. And the other half of the time I am so overcome with emotion I want to take to my bed with smelling salts in one hand and an embroidered handkerchief in the other.

I have three options (assuming, and I have been told essentially to assume, the Cambridge pool is a no go):

1. Keep the grades I have (A*, A, C) and apply... wherever will take those grades. Essentially somewhere which will take you with a C meaning that you might as well not have worked for the A and A*.

2. Re-do the Spanish unit which is an E. That would involve going to a college, probably from January to June and hopefully getting my grade up to an A. The plus side is it would not feel like giving up but the down side is I kind of feel like giving up.

3. Start and finish a completely new A-Level in a year. It would mean, essentially, I couldn't get a job (unless I went to night-classes which would make predicted grades and therefore UCAS difficult) or do anything but more studying. However, it's not Spanish.

So yeah. If I pick 2 or 3 (and let's be honest, I will) I'm going to have to go to some kind of private sixth form college who can provide this with some guarantee of results (which considering all of this, I would really like). I don't really want to but then the only way this situation is going to improve is to work my way out of it. It might be depressing (and it is) but it's necessary. And I don't deserve to go to university if I'm not willing to fight for it.

BEDA #18/#19 - Nerves About Results Well Justified

So not in a brilliant mood for BEDAing. But I wasn't yesterday either so I didn't and two days of not updating is a dangerous slope to go down.

I'll just say this: today could not have gone worse for me. It was a disaster which has, essentially, left me with a year of my life I didn't want to spend here doing the stuff I am now going to be forced to do, whatever that turns out to be.

And I appreciate that, once the disappointment of getting in NOWHERE has receded I'll be fine and probably wax lyrically about how this gap year helped me find myself or whatever. For a start, it looks like English is the way to go. Can't fault those UMS marks.

So yeah, in the future I'll probably look back on this year with fondness. But in the end, I didn't want it. And I really wish I didn't have to do it.

There really is nothing make failure to make you feel like a failure.

BEDA #17 - Banking, Panicking And Nuking

Well, today was a day much less eventful than yesterday. I woke up in bed with Charlotte (read into that however you will) and when I got home there were *more* builders in my house fixing the guttering of something. Then I went to the bank and took out £800 to pay my dad back for interrailing.

I was going to talk about panicking for results, which I am doing, but I think I'll save that for tomorrow. Needless to say when people talk about it, I can feel my stomach bubbling and dropping at the same time.

I am, for maybe the first time in BEDA, talk about Luke/Noah/Reid. I really want to clarify my position. Reid has quite literally split our happy fan community down the middle. Half the people (some new, some long-standing fans, some who faded away when the storylines were particualary slow) think Reid is a godsend to the show and the other half think he's a betrayal, and a lazy one at that, by the writers.

I am torn. The reason I love Luke and Noah is that, unlike many others, I like the soapy, ridiculous, fluffy aspect to them. It amuses me and entertains me and, coming for Europe, it's a novelty to me to watch something so unashamedadly dramatic. Luke and Noah are genuine opposites in many ways, which made for (some of the time) a realistic dynamic. It's also important when building tension: soap couples break up a lot, and Luke and Noah are treated no differently in this respect.

But I like Reid. Genuinely. He's like a PG-13 Brian Kinney (so without all the sex). He's snarky and funny and believeable. I think he's incredibly well-rounded considering the time he's been in the show, well-acted and his being gay is not his defining feature. Saying that, it's not ignored and he and Luke have had some of the hottest kisses on the show ever. You know, in my humble but scarily well informed opinion.

I, unlike people who have @ replied me on Twitter, do not think this is because Luke and Noah did not have chemistry on screen. I think it's because, predominately, Luke and Noah has been a love story first. While waiting for sex was a drag, I do respect that they were portrayed as a couple willing to wait for each other.

So, my loyalities lie with Noah but I do have a massive fan-crush on Reid Oliver. So I'm torn. a lot like Luke in many ways. And I can see the pros for Reid:

1. He challenges Luke on many levels Noah does not.
2. He's opening himself up to Luke in a very uncharasteristic way - shows deep emotion.
3. He's funny and witty and the kind of guy Oakdale needs.

But then Noah has upsides too:

1. He tolerates Luke's obsessive need to be needed with more grace than Reid does.
2. His love for Luke got him out a wheelchair and got him his own sight back. That's the kind of love you hang onto. Or bottle.
3. Luke and Noah fit together in a way which seems much more comfortable - Luke's fought enough battles.
4. They both want the same things out of life - excitement when they're young, a family when they're older.
5. Noah is not an emotionally unavailible workaholic. He's more committed to Luke than anything else.
6. After everything they've been through, and how groundbreaking they are, they deserve a happy ending.

So there you have it. It's Luke and Noah ftw. Let's just hope (and they haven't got long left) that they handle it well.

And yes, I am mainly using them as a distraction from the fact my fricking life gets decided in a few days. Humour me.

BEDA #16 - Unicorns, Dragons and Prince Charming

Today was the most exciting day ever, I just have to BEDA about it!

I woke up to Bob Dylan serenading me awake - he was passing by and, as he's been following my BEDA, he wanted to make sure I had something interesting to Tweet about.

Then I finished filming for my episode of 'Who Do You Think You Are?' and it turns out I'm related to the royal family and have a better claim to the throne than Charles. So, expect me to me the next monarch of this country.

Then my best friend, Harry Potter, dropped by and gave me some Felix Felicis for results day. Normally he'd be breaking lots of Ministry Decrees but once Kingsley Shacklebolt heard about my nerves the entire wizarding population begged him to act. I'm very popular over there.

Next it was dinner time and I managed to get into The Ivy. Because so many people wanted to join me for dinner, I had to do the rounds. It was very tiring but I did get to eat a bit of every meal on the menu for free.

The last person I sat with invited me to a house party that was being hosted by Stephen Fry. We got into a debate about the use of knowledge in the new technological age (I won, of course) and then we played chess (again, I won).

Finally I got a lift home in a Dharma van driven by Hurley; he's making a visit to the mainland and wanted to stop by for a visit. We played the Star Wars quote game all the way home, and my company was so dazzling he drove around the block several times.

At home, I had several e-mails mainly from popular YouTubers asking me to endorse their channels but I don't have the time because it's taken me several hours to reply to all my own comments. Bob came back and played me to sleep.

But then I woke up because I remembered BEDA and the thousands of you religiously waiting for me to post.

I won't let you down.